There are four drafts of gratitude/thanksgiving things sitting in the line up... but they never came out quite right. While I am sincerely thankful for so many things, the litany and musings seemed shallow and empty. So I'll leave the thanks for prayer.
Even now I am foggy and lacking direction for this blog... I could post about fitness and food... but there are so many other things weighing on my heart that those just seem like vanity and a distraction to me right now. Sorry.
I have been feeling lost, insufficient, hopeless, rebellious.
Update on the bloated pancita - 2 full inches above 'normal'
This has been the longest, weirdest, hormonal, crampy, bloating, gassy, constipated, moody month. I'm considering drugs... or just therapy.
Update on the Six Pack Experiment - demolished. will have to reset soon. I am thinking about hitting strict whole 30 again after new years. I think it will take several months if not a year of eating that way as a life style to get the abs. Mark Sisson in the Primal Blueprint says that a six pack is a 'natural side effect' to going primal in your diet... hmmmm... I'll read the book next month and we'll see about that mr. sisson.
Meanwhile, Food and friends have been great consolation. Honestly, if you compared my diet to other "paleo" followers I am finding that I comply far more than the average. I've gotten the most heckling, if you can call it that... maybe oggling is a better word... about my diet from fellow crossfitters... they are baffled at how strict I have been. I consider paleofied baked goods a little bit of a guilty pleasure and cheats. At their encouragement I've lightened up at little. I had a beer last week... Oh my it was the best beer ever! And I had minor cheats on Thanksgiving day, and major cheats at the Notre Dame/USC game Saturday - woohoo! Victory Notre Dame. It was great to eat a hot dog and churro and have hot chocolate in the cold and rain. I rounded out my rebellious spell with a green tea frappaccino this morning... It. was. great!
Honestly the frap was the first thing that hit my stomach in any immediately noticeable way - yay dairy. yay for poops!
I know I posted rave reviews about the whole 30 plan last month, but I have been a little confused and lost with it to be honest.
I don't notice dramatic changes... I still feel fat sometimes. I'm not a super hero. Nor have I noticed dramatic negative effects when I deviate from the program. It's all very subtle. Some times it is hard to choose to live dramatically different from the average American and see such miniscule advances for it. It's not really all that hard to live that way; I haven't lacked discipline, but I was just so SAD. really. I live and work virtually alone and my world was revolving around my food and cooking. All my fitness goals began to look like just new opportunities for failure, and as injuries and chiropractic/massage bills are piling up I began to question whether my goals are really even very healthy.
A little background: I returned to Southern California this summer - I was terrified that crossfit was really something more for the season of my life in new mexico. I was terrified to let it go and wouldn't even think of it. I got certified to train myself and others, hoping that would be my niche in the world... and then I bought the dream that maybe I could be a really good crossfit athlete, and thought maybe after this year I could move back with my family in alabama and open a crossfit there. Well, needless to say that dream was very short lived, like so many other bright ideas I've had...
Now, I have been here 6 months and I'm not doing all the things that made SoCal wonderful to me in the past - everything that made me think it could be my dream life to be back here again... sun and sand and waves...
first because the ocean was cold, and training became all consuming, added to the fact that I have few friends that are avid beach bums like me, and I was dating someone who didn't like to put his feet in the sand.
Well, the relationship ended. I eventually pulled back on training formally to 3 days a week. And for a month I've been kind of floundering emotionally.
I've been pretty depressed and wondering why I'm even here at all? and if not here where should I be? I continue in this thinking, and before I know it my whole world and purpose for existing is all crumbling and I am lost.
Well, to hell with it. Let it fall apart, so I can build something new, so I can come back renewed and blessed. My life has been a series of heartbreaks, disappointments, confusion, and searching... and I've had so many great adventures with the agonies. I'd rather not live a half life, so go ahead, shit, and hit the fan. God is great with mess.
In the meantime, I am back to diet loosely as prescribed. Crossfit as prescribed 3x per week. More time for friends and family coming up on the schedule - YAY! And piece by piece getting back to things I've loved before and new things I've been longing to try.
I guess all this babble is just to get me writing and posting again, and for what it's worth... down times are just part of life. There is no prescription for perfect happiness all the time, whoever says there is is usually selling something. (Although I think joy can be cultivated through gratitude and the realization of our belovedness... yeah I'll keep working on it.) Even if I were the best I could be, I'd find something wrong with it and that is a real shame. Step 1 ... isn't that acknowledgement?
"I am trying to understand how to walk this weary land, make straight the paths that crooked lie, Oh Lord, before these feet of mine.... When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands." JJ Heller
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