Friday, September 28, 2012

Let it Count.

" When is the last time you wrote down all the things that you are proud of, that you've overcome, that you once couldn't do but now you can? "

Dawn Fletcher, inspirational coach extraordinaire, posed this question maybe a week or two ago, and I had to admit to myself it's been MONTHS at least.

I don't take enough time to count my blessings and let myself be proud of what I've done...
This is a tough exercise for me. I so often dismiss the victories almost as soon as they come, but I'm going to own it! 

1) I have been busting my butt in training. And almost everyday I think of how much more I need to do and how much deeper I need to dig if I'm going to do this.  And I've spent more time being discouraged that my max efforts are not where I want them, over being grateful that I get to workout every day. But you know, I AM proud that I am pouring my heart into my dreams and doing the work. I am giving my all, no matter how "my all" varies from day to day.

2) I have made gains in all my lifts pretty much weekly. I've never back squatted 220 for 3x3 or deadlifted 225 for 3x5 or deadlifted 260 for 2 reps. I'm pushing new limits. I'm proud of that.

3) I'm making room for a relationship in my life. Opening my heart to let myself be loved.  Working to be honest and open. This is a big "overcome" for me.  Another great step towards a goal I sort of stopped pursuing or believing was attainable.  I'm proud of that. and grateful.

4) Last month I visited my family.  A place where boundaries barely exist and structure has long been out of reach.  But this trip I made it a point to make a schedule.  To set limits. To take care of myself.  And this freed me to really enjoy my time there with out regret. 

5) I'm also going to add a little recap of the last 6 months accomplishments that I couldn't do but now can!
Handstand walks. Balanced headstands.  Muscle ups. Handstand pushups

6) I have done a lot of interior work in the last year.  Choosing to fight belief systems that are holding me back from grace.  This takes a lot of courage and humility.  I'm proud of that.

7) Also last month, I entered a competition and I took first place. I dismiss it for being a small competition, but who cares?  It IS something to be proud of.  Another day it may not happen, but why should that rob me of that moment in time that I gained a victory.

So, when's the last time you listed all the things you have accomplished, have overcome, are proud of?  I hope we both take time to remember and celebrate it!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

One year later... & thoughts on slipping into smitten

Theme music for today's post.

Despite the fact that in this blog I clearly expose all my frantic, messy, train wreck, struggling and striving imperfections to the internet... somehow I still seem to imagine that I hold some sort of perfection and togetherness of appearance. yeah, I know. No clue.

In my adventures in dating, or lack there of, I think it is precisely this divide - between reality and what I want to believe (and have others believe) is the reality - that is the primary culprit in the better named "misadventures" ...

Exactly one year ago, I posed the question to you all of what the heck is my problem and do I even want to change it?  Now seems like a good time to follow up on that point - because I have a pretty good comparison to make, and progress reports are always in order. Are they not?

1) Yes, yes. I'm NOT perfect, but someone has recently entered my life that insists daily on seeing me with my strengths and weaknesses, my daily battles, as something of the most beautiful and amazing nature.   So while I freak out and fight to keep up all my defenses and anxieties that I'm the one holding "it all" together (even though I know this is not true) ... he challenges me to love myself, mess and all.

2)  So he's not Catholic. meh. no one's perfect ;) 
In fact, it might be better this way. We'll see.
Considering my point from last year that Catholics seem so often to disagree on the ways they believe and live their faith and what's optional and what's not... such that you often don't really know what you're going to get even with someone that calls themselves the same religion as you,  it seems so much  more about growing together. 
And here is someone that respects and admires my faith and convictions...
So what I have found, despite denominational differences, is that we're able to share a love of Christ and both daily invite Him into each step of the journey - and that really is the core of it all.
It's so freeing to know the whole thing is in God's hands and we're both leaving it there.

My relationship with God, absolutely, IS the only way I make sense of and come to peace with anything in life, and that relationship is inseparable from the Sacraments through the Church.  I could no sooner abandon my faith than I could stop breathing. And he doesn't ask that of me. He's even been coming to Mass! This openness and acceptance of something that is so important to me is a precious gift, even if he never shares every aspect of it. 

3) It's still true.  All I do is work and crossfit, but lucky me!  Crossfit brought this Captain Awesome Mr. Tough guy, honey snuggle muffin to me ;)  I didn't have to compromise my goals, and force myself to go out looking.  He was up close and personal in the midst of my competition mode and still picked me out as his crossfit crush.  That's so awesome. Even though I'd like to keep a pretty face on, knowing he's seen me in the raw. really raw. beast mode. and still thinks I'm attractive is encouraging.

4) This is the painstaking part.... I have been VERY comfortable in the perfect little order and delicate balance of my life and emotional health, that I've fought to create.  It IS a process of learning to extend my life to include some one and stretch beyond work and crossfit.  BUT this is just about as organic of a transition as I could hope for, with someone that supports me and my lifestyle in every way.  I am SO grateful to have such an incredibly patient, caring, and strong man in my life.

5) Again... have I met one of the most understanding and supportive men on the planet?
Date 3 (or 4 depending who you ask)
Him: "SO, what are your goals, dreams, ambitions?"
Me: "Honestly, I've never been a career driven person... all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mom..."
I don't think we ever got past that point in this particular conversation. 
No talk about how that has changed.
Nothing about how I have adapted my goals in light of a "dream" so long deferred. 
I think at the time I didn't think he was really listening to me. But he was. He just didn't need to hear more than that right then. I guess even though I don't have clear power career woman goals it's clear enough that I'm immensely loyal, committed, and driven in anything I set as valuable to me.   It's enough.  It's a beautiful thing.  He sees that, and that is rad.
About the rest ... well he's had plenty of time for abundant adventures of his own: snowboarding, and rafting, and skating, and traveling... a lot like me in different ways.... trusting that God has the plan and the timing.
His providence has never disappointed.

So... I say let the adventure continue.
one day at a time :)

So Blessed.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

What if it's hard?

Sometimes I don't think I give credit to the "hardness" of "what I do"...
all this training nonsense ya know?  It doesn't seem like such a big deal.
I just do it. There is no other way.  I have a fire burning that drives me.


Not so much with the fire and 2nd nature business today.

I 'hurt' my neck last week. Of course, I have been kicking so much crossfit booty lately my brain had no problem accepting that I must be invincible and destined to climb and climb to the heights of my lofty goals... Long story short I pushed it until it was in-ignorable, leading to 5 full rest days... 5 FULL REST DAYS.
Chump change right?  When many people may not even remember the last time they 'worked out'.

For me, for the goals I have, the progress I've made, the volume I've been training... 5 days is kind of a big deal.  I get ONE, one day a week that I do nothing related to training, MAYBE two if I'm totally smoked.
That is what my program allows.  Breaking from the program to rest and recover I felt broken and defeated. I felt sad. I feared the loss of the momentum I had gained.
But I rested and then became reluctant to return, timid about my limits and recovery,
And down right FATIGUED as I tried to get back to the routine.

As I got moving again, my brain immediately processed the following message:
"This sucks. It hurts. I'm tired. It's uncomfortable."
This is why I didn't want a break. I was afraid it would come to this. 

And I realized, "gosh, this is why people DON'T work out."  (it may be one reason anyway.)
They show up and it's hard, it's all of those things I said and more.
And the will just screams, I DON'T WANT TO! 
Doesn't it?

Mine does. I really don't want to, I don't "feel" like it.  I'm embarassed and sad that I'm only doing half of what I "should" be doing (PS. BRILLIANT POST BY FOLLOWHOLLY ON THIS POINT & more).... but there are things I want more than I don't want to expose myself to this yucky feeling.  Things I want more than listening to the voice that whispers, "there's really no need for this, now is there?"
Don't you have those things too?

More than you hate the current discomfort,
          and how much you want to convince yourself that it's not really that important,
                   or isn't going to make that much of a difference,
                               or you are just not made for exercise, 
                                          or you have to much to do,
                                                          or you'll do it tomorrow,
                                                                   or you are destined to fail any way,
or what ever the excuse (and they really are all excuses).

More than all those things... there's a reason you DO want to follow through.
Don't your kids (or future kids) deserve to have a healthy mom/dad?  Who will be there with them for the long run?   What about your spouse or significant other? What would you like to be for them?
Don't YOU deserve to feel better, more energetic, more confident, happier with your accomplishments, that You didn't give up?? 

well. and there you have it from the poet himself.
I don't know where this came from, but I don't make any $ here. so...
It's fine right?

As I sat on the rower, counting down the meters,
I was thinking about all these things, remembering how hard it was in the beginning, how hard it is RIGHT NOW, and negotiating with myself to find the will.

Having goals and fighting for them is worth it.  
It DOES matter.
AND it matters so much more when it takes a sacrifice.

One day at a time, I'll show up. I'll work my way back.
I'll choose to be patient with myself, while calling myself out and fighting not to make excuses for what I could do because I am afraid it will suck (not injure me, just suck).  I'll choose not to compare myself with others and where they are.  Not to compare myself with myself and where I have been, or where I feel I should be. (Thanks again Holly. Seriously read her post if you want some jedi mind tricks).

We all face these kind of days.  These kinds of hurdles.
You all motivate me not to give up.
This isn't just about picking up from little set backs.
It's about also being courageous to make a change if you need one.
Because It will be hard... some times more than others.
But without a doubt,
You are worth it!