Her Name is Emmanuelle

I feel as though I aged several years in less than one.

About this time last year we had our 2nd positive pregnancy test.  Magnus would be a big brother! We were ecstatic!

After Thanksgiving I started to feel very uneasy and worried that everything was okay with our little one - and in a few more weeks time we discovered everything was not ok.

She would have been born this past summer, instead we buried her on Christmas Day.

I've tried to write this post before, but it never gets finished.  I don't know what to say, but I know I don't want to say nothing.  As though she never lived. Because she did.  And she is now our family's own little saint in heaven, watching over us and interceding for us I have no doubt.

In a moment of peace and clarity, the day before we laid her to rest I wrote to my prayer group:

I would like to put Emma's birthday on the miracle calendar. 12/23/15.  

It is not a miracle that she died, of course, but it is a miracle that she lived,

and God's merciful love and transformation of my heart is miraculously wonderful. 

At first I was so bitter and cold.  I was unable to really enter into Advent (she had passed even though we didn't know it yet)  I tried to think of what an incredibly special thing it is to be carrying life at Advent and Christmas but I could not.  In my heart I did not feel that.  I felt very fearfully that I was not pregnant anymore.  As I waited for the news in the ER with Robyn last week, I told her,  "I just have to know if baby is alive and well or if I am just a tomb."  

Mary bore eternal life in her womb and mine was dead.  I was a tomb. My mind and heart were bitter and dark up to that moment.

But very soon God's mercy covered me and touched me deeply. 

I was still carrying a baby.  Not a live baby but I would see her through birth and bury her. What a gift to be able to be able to do that work of mercy of burying the dead.  My own dear one. 

How bitter that she was lost, but the suffering and death in our world because of sin IS bitter. This is not heaven, and it was good to feel the contrast, and that we do not live for this life. 

But God is with us. He meets us in the midst of the brokenness and offers us life. 

We named our baby Emmanuelle, "God with us"  

He truly has been with us in a deep and unique way.  He has taken my mourning and turned it to rejoicing that I am able to share in the mystery of this death and resurrection.

that our little one is celebrating Christmas in the arms of Jesus and Mary.  

That she is able to intercede for us so powerfully.  

If you didn't see it, Our pregnancy announcement had Magnus in a batman cape, with the caption "Every hero needs a sidekick"  -  it was so bitter knowing she had died and saying to myself "no sidekick for Magnus".

But God has transformed that for me as well.  She IS his sidekick, and can kick ass for him in Heaven in a way she couldn't have on earth.  I worry for him so much, as all moms do, that he will grow up to accept the faith and grow in holiness.  Now in addition to his guardian angel, he has Emma. 

God has expanded my heart through this in a way that nothing else could do.

That peace and surrender hasn't always remained so strong or tangible, but God does see me through.
How do you "bounce back" from losing a child, no matter how small that child may have been?

I guess you never really do.  You grieve. You mourn.  You continue to be and hope and trust, but you can never be the same.  Nor should you.  You have loved and lost in tremendous way.
Your mom heart has enlarged to a new size of empathy and compassion you never knew possible before...

Dear sweet little St. Emmanuelle,  continue to pray for us that we may one day get to hold you and rejoice alongside you before the face of our Lord.

Magnus Man: the light of my life

On October 10th, after 75 hours of induction, Magnus was brought into the outside world.  Born just over 2 weeks early he weighed in at 7lbs 1oz and measured 21 3/4 inches. Not bad, little man. 

In so many ways I loved being pregnant.  Sure it had it's fair share of aches and pains and feeling enormous. And Dear Lord, SO HOT.  But I loved him before I even knew he was a him. Before I even knew for sure that he was there, and every little movement delighted me to feel this little person growing.  I knew him. I treasured him. He was gentle and shy, stopping his movement every time I drew attention to it. 

All through the labor his heart beat stayed strong. I felt like he was such a patient, peaceful, sweet little guy.  And he totally is all of that.  He has been a mellow, pretty easy baby. I think so anyway - he's my only baby so I have no comparison apart from the stories.  

The last three months have flown by, as I treasured the precious moments with him, nursing and cuddling.  Now he is getting such a little personality. Smiling and cooing and playing and learning.  He still is so thoughtful. Observant. And still a little shy - often stopping his play and babble when he realizes he's being watched. He eyes the camera with great suspicion.  

He tends to "mad dog" everyone, but a little less than in the earlier months. Turning on a warm smile as people show him their love and affection.

I mostly kept him away from the CrossFit for his first two months, protective and wary of germs.  We're there almost daily now as I'm returning to working out and coaching again.  He loves to watch me lift and flirt with all the ladies.  The dropping of the barbells and the music don't seem to bother him at all.  I guess their all familiar sounds from his days in the womb. 

It melts my heart to watch him and his daddy together.  Chris had never held a baby until I was 7 or 8 months pregnant.  He was scared of them and wasn't even sure he liked kids. It was like a switch was flipped in him from the moment he heard Magnus' first cries.  He was the first of us to get to bond with Magnus; holding him skin to skin for nearly the first hour as I was stitched up. 

The labor and birth were nothing I had planned, imagined, or prepared for.  At about 34 or 35 weeks along I was diagnosed with cholestasis.  I had a few friends who had had the same.  The standard procedure is induction at 37 weeks due to the risk it poses to the baby.  But somehow it didn't process to me that that would be our fate.  I fully expected to go to full term and I never considered what induction could mean or what it would be like.  One friend had an excruciating experience and another seemed to have had a smooth and uncomplicated one.  Perhaps it's normal or at least my nature to think things would be different for me.  

I had a rude awakening at my 37 week check up when the OB suggested I go in for induction... like asap.  I didn't get it - my bile salt levels hadn't been in the dangerous range to my understanding, the non stress test showed no alarm.  My little guy (I didn't know he was a guy yet) seemed totally fine and content, and he remained that way through the whole induction process. 

I wasn't ready. My body wasn't ready. And no matter what they tried, my cervix just wouldn't dilate. Finally, we resigned to the c-section knowing that we were induced for a reason.  Every day he stayed inside increased the chance that things would go very bad for him. I wanted a natural birth SO badly, and I wasn't able to have anything natural about it. But I wanted a live and healthy baby more. 

I grieved that for a while. If I'm honest, I still do. Bitter that it went the way it did, and angry with the OB that delivered him.  She treated us as some thing to be handled, a job to be done rather than working with my body and considering my desires, misleading us at a point when we were very vulnerable which in some ways I feel led to the section. 

Recovery was rough.  I was readmitted to the hospital a few weeks postpartum as an infection developed and my recovery declined.  This was after great worry over Magnus and his readmission to the hospital for jaundice. It was a rough start that way and so wrenching on this new mama's heart. 

My sincerest consolation in all of it was how well he nursed.  I guarded that bond fiercely, fearful those complications threaten it.  

Needless to say those first few months had their fair share of trials.  I'm so grateful both Chris and my parents were able to be with us to help.  Running our own CrossFit, Chris didn't  have the luxury of taking any time off.  As I was sleep deprived and consumed with learning to care for our son, he was working 16 hr days at the box. We both have been exhausted for months, but having Magnus makes all the rest bearable - we're adjusting to our new normal as a family. It really feels real now. We're a family.  

I have admired so many moms I know. In awe of their super powers.  I'm still waiting for mine to show up and it occurs to me that maybe those super powers don't come infused with the job. Rather they are grown and born of love.  They come with the hours of work that are poured out. 

This life has been a huge transition.  The past year and a half has been a huge transition. My fitness is nothing that it used to be. I often miss that discipline, and I'm working to bring it back. I miss feeling strong and free. But again, sometimes you have to lay aside one good thing for another for a season. 

To be a wife and a mom is truly all I ever wanted. It's what I've longed and waited for the past 15 yrs at least. I wanted to find my joy and purpose in pouring out my life in love for my husband and children.  While that hope was unfulfilled for so long I turned to loving my single life and the freedom and possibility it afforded.  I haven't found that same feeling in marriage, but I've found my vocation. I'm learning to put myself aside. But trying to find the balance every day in still caring for myself.  Not losing myself in giving myself.  There's quite a difference after all. 

It's not easy, but it's so worth it. 

I have never loved so much, and though it's not always easy, I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Thank you, Magnus man, for making me a mom.  Thank you for the joy you bring. You are our life, and it's never been more precious. 

Introducing CrossFit Purged

“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.”
– William Faulkner

It’s hard to believe it’s been over 5 years since I found CrossFit and it quickly won my commitment, passion, and love.  Four years ago I started dreaming of living CrossFit full time - opening a box, helping others accomplish new and incredible feats, and nurturing a community of people dedicated to becoming the best they can be.

Some one else shared that dream… though I hadn’t met him yet.  It’s been exactly 2 years since I met Christopher Sheets at the SoCal CrossFit Regionals and in those two short years our lives have been turned upside down in the most amazing ways.

In two years, we met, romanced, exchanged vows, changed jobs, traveled, had two car accidents, endured injury, started brewing a baby, and opened a business together. 

Here we are: Team Sheets is at the helm of CrossFit Purged!

(I know there’s no excuse for a neglected blog, but those are my excuses!)

In the 8 short weeks that our doors have been open, we have poured our hearts, energy, and time into building not just a fitness program, but a community and a place where people can feel at home.  A place they can face their fears and limitations and persevere to overcome them.  A place where they can blow off steam, where they can find camaraderie as they work together, sweat together, and yes, sometimes even bleed together setting new personal records.  

We have been honored and grateful for the amazing people that have come our way, that have supported us and been on the ground floor of creating this new and empowering community.  We love you all and are so excited to see the positive changes in your lives as you make the time, put in the effort, and choose not to settle for just skating by, but to show up each day and give your best… whatever that happens to be at that point in time.  You are destined for greatness and we are thrilled to be a part of the journey.

The changes of the last two years moved me away from the competition floor. Maybe I will return there one day … If I’ve learned anything from CrossFit it’s that you’re never too old and it’s never too late to follow your passions.   In this time, here and now, I have a different dream.  I am so honored to have the gift of growing a new life, to pursue being a fit mama, living well, and living (I hope) as an inspiration and example in different ways.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to coach, to have been mentored and now share with others knowledge gained over the last five years.  Thank you CrossFit Purged for giving me that opportunity. 

Taking the step to open our own CrossFit affiliate did not come without lots of questions, fears, delays, and unknowns.    About that, well Kirkegaard says it best,

“To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.”

And so, Dear Husband and I are finding ourselves, our new life, and our future in this endeavor.  Life is nothing if not an adventure! If it were something other than an adventure, though the security might be comforting, it would come at the cost of apathy and a dull spirit.  Thank you again to all the adventurers out there, to those seizing the opportunities every day brings for you.  You are our inspiration.

The doors of CrossFit Purged are always open to you!  Stop on by!

Becoming Mommy....

About 6 weeks ago, we had the most wonderful news!
Positive pregnancy test, signaling that indeed life was present and growing in my belly.
As always, so many feelings... awe, wonder, immense gratitude, disbelief, a little fear, and a little disappointment at the timing for entirely material and physical reasons, but also so much the deep fulfillment of hope.

We weren't "trying" but we were always open.  We knew OUR ideal plans, but also knew that when God wants a baby God will have a baby, and we rest in the peace of knowing who is really in charge of our lives.

We're growing a family!  On two levels really.  We have just opened a CrossFit gym, which is really a topic for another post, but it's been a labor of love pouring all our resources: time, talent, and treasure, into building something new.  It's beautiful and we are so grateful!

And behind the scenes of all that, I've been growing a tiny human.  Which is also a labor of love in a quiet way (quiet ONLY in the sense that social media has not been informed, but husband hears about daily)... with nausea and outright exhaustion and so much of the rest that goes along with the bliss of the first trimester.

But there's something else. There's something else apart from all those physical things that I've noticed. From the moment I sensed there was a life there, before it was possible to know for sure.  There was something.
Maybe you know this thing???
The down right gripping fear, which fights within me to be given credence, that something may be wrong. That something will go wrong. And it is utterly and completely out of my control.

I knew from the first moments that I have a baby. I rebelled within myself against the idea that I should wait to share this until I was "past the risky 1st trimester" - as if it's not real unless baby makes it that far.  And so we shared with friends and family.  And I talked to baby and welcomed baby and did my best to bond with baby even though I have no guarantee we'll make it through to delivery.

Geez, Kath. Why so serious? Why so negative?  I don't know. I don't mean to be. But I really did fear that we would have trouble conceiving.  Only in the corner of my heart, but I expected it. Because so many I know suffer this waiting and hoping and not realizing. And my hormones ARE sort of weird.
So then there was a hope, and knowledge, a thought that there really was a baby there... not yet even implanted. And I prayed she would stay.  I invited her to stay.  And almost every day I do the same.

And something else. It's an entirely new sort of waiting and hoping and trusting beyond my fears and worrying.  A new sort of daily sacrifice of surrender... that is heart wrenching.  I think it's the stuff of mom making.

I think it's the beginning of my heart being stretched and grown to love in an entirely new capacity.  It's the growing of a new vocation... the one I always dreamed of... wife and mom. pouring out my heart and life in love for my family. and in that, finding my path to holiness.

And so no matter whether this baby grows to live with us, or goes to live with God.  She is real, she is loved.  All will be well.


PS. I do not know that it's a girl. It's probably a boy.  I just hate the He/She, Him/Her qualifiers :)

Our Wedding

It's been 3 months since our wedding and I promised you the story...  here it is! Wow. I am so proud of myself to be this on the ball ;)

          ~It. was. Enchanting.~

Background: We chose something a little unusual for modern times. We chose to get married on a Sunday during an ordinary weekly Mass at our Parish -- the 11am Mass to be exact, where I lector every month, with the people we see and who see us week after week.  I don't know their names,
(well I didn't, but I know A LOT more of them now that I'm the parish celebrity bride)
but I felt they are my people, even without names. They are part of our family - our big, beautiful, messy, faith family, and I am so grateful we were able to have them witness our marriage.

Our pastor offered us to have the wedding on a Sunday. It's free after all when you don't have to rent the building or the servers etc, and sacraments should be free, right? right??
Chris loved the suggestion immediately.

Surprise!

I loved the idea of such simplicity.  I knew getting married was about us and our commitment,  but it felt to me that it was just as much about the Church as a whole. We were all joined at the table of the Lord. Everyone was welcome. All those parishioners, "my people", had no idea when they showed up for Mass that week that they were going to witness a wedding.   SURPRISE!  you're invited!

 Don't mind me, the girl in white, I'll just be taking up most of the aisle, thank you! Welcome!

So, as I was saying,  I loved the idea of simplicity, but there was a part of me that felt simplicity came at the sacrifice of making things "my way" and while I welcomed it on a logical level... the smaller control freak part of me died a little.  Our choice meant we gave up our say in the details of the wedding itself:  the readings, the music, the decoration, the position and participation of the wedding party. I prepared myself for that, and welcomed it, believing that our choices for this day really would lay the ground work for where we will place our values in our life together.

Our Family!!
(less a few for whom it was not possible on such short notice)

I prepared myself that our wedding would be a Mass like every other Sunday, and the only thing different would be that we were in wedding clothes, that we processed in, that our vows would be exchanged there, and that we would walk out as husband and wife...  easy peasy. simple and humble.

You guys... it was NOT a Sunday Mass like any other Sunday Mass.
It was the most beautiful wedding I have ever witnessed.
(Ok I'm partial, but really. partiality aside, my mind is blown.)

We handed over all those little extra details, and Thank God we did because it was perfect!

It overwhelms my heart how much we were blessed.
How Father Wallace prepared the congregation and welcomed them into the celebration, how the bridal coordinator (or someone, i really need to find out who!) laid flowers along the altar,
How joyful both strangers and friends were to witness our marriage,
Not to mention How much our families and friends did for us.  How many came.
We were gifted with generosity and beauty from every side.
Words fail me. They really do.
It's just a surge of emotion: incredible gratitude... and that feeling you get... do you know the feeling?
When you were just given more than you could have ever expected, more than you ever imagined. and you feel sort of overwhelmed. even unworthy of such gratuitous love. and there is nothing to be done, but accept it. maybe shed some tears. and gaze back at the Lord. at the universe. at everyone in your life, with love and gratitude?  that feeling.

hideous?  I have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth. grumpy bride.
 Look how beautiful!

When we decided to move the wedding date forward 4 months,getting the thumbs up from the church was as easy as walking up to our Pastor, making our request, and him checking the calendar on his iphone.  Done!
The change of date made our preferred reception venue unavailable, however.
Quick Plan B - Bring on the parish hall! linoleum floors, tacky chairs, and all.  I'll take it!!

Ironically, Chris had suggested the hall in the beginning of our planning, and I shot him down, declaring it hideous.

~SIL Mallory made our glasses~

My dear husband took this turn of events as an opportunity to gallantly show his love for me.  He worked so hard to make that space beautiful for me.

He blessed me with beauty, understanding how much I longed for our day to be beautiful. Our friends blessed us, uniting to transform ordinary things into wedding day elegance.

The church blessed us - Making the whole thing much more affordable than we could have found, and giving us free reign of the hall for the whole weekend.

My MIL did this!
amazing talent!

Chris's mom blessed us, pouring hours into making favors (with the help my mom and aunts too) AND she made our wedding cake, which was stunning! see? -->

SIL Stephanie made my bouquet
She was the most accommodating
loving artist!

My parents blessed us! Their generosity was incredible - instead of going into debt we were able to pay some off!!
Our families and friends blessed us - everyone came together to help in any and every way - decorating, Arranging flowers, running out to buy more supplies (or non alcoholic drinks after the virgin Margaritas were found to be not virgin after all. Thanks Hammes'!)
And all our guests blessed us - it was truly heart warming to see people come from so far to celebrate with us. My only regret at the end of the day was that I did not have more time to enjoy the day with our guests, to catch up, to express how very much it meant to us that they were there.

St. Margaret's Parish ~ Oceanside, CA

To say we are grateful just doesn't do it justice. From that day forward our lives are forever changed. Thank you for sharing it with us and making it what you did.

(all photos by the talented Jon Robershaw :)

Our Wedding... 15 days away.

As I turned my attention (which is very hard to nail down these days) to write this post... for some reason one of my old posts came up in my browser.
This one.

I would never have thought of it in the context of what I intended to write today.
Nonetheless... it is more fuel behind the beauty of this journey.
I didn't know then, I HOPED, but I didn't know, that by learning to be more me and sloughing off all the pressure of the world to be something else, that I really was walking step by step toward this man.

He found me!  This guy cherishes my fierce beauty. He LOVES my muscles and strength and all that I worked to be ...  authentic. (learning to just BE me.) Shined brightly and perfectly to match him. Chris.

I love him. shhh....

Here we are now, wrapped up in wedding plans, here, there and everywhere.

Does every little girl at some point dream of her wedding?  pick out flowers and dresses and visions from magazines? I did. just a little. when I was very young.  I gave that up about 25 yrs ago, but there is still a little princess somewhere deep in my heart with fantasies about the most perfect day.

And it will be perfect - because we will become one.
We will be surrounded by family and friends and our parish community.
We will receive their support, their prayers, their blessings.
We will celebrate and rejoice.
And then... we will begin a new life.

I think this reality is set deep in my core. what it is all really about.
 And I think that's why I'm floating in peace through all the stress and plans and supposed craziness of this time... I am aware. I am susceptible.  For heaven's sake I am enjoying alcohol and novels, and video games and all sorts of escapes - which, I tell you is PROOF that this peace is not mine, not by my merit.
I am a grasping, overanalyzing, crazy woman.
but you know. That doesn't seem to matter.
nope.
All really is well. 

Am I in a trance? don't think so but it does seem very trancelike when I think about it all flowery as I am prone to do. Floating along toward the altar in a lovesick daze,  not really affected by all the distractions and bumps along the way.  not REALLY. (despite all my humbling moments.)

So what about our wedding plans???
I'll tell you about it I hope. soon. :) Because it's pretty freaking cool.

But for now, I only have time for the overarching theme:

In the end the fantasies and hollywood and fairytales melt away and only we remain.

Just us.

real.

ordinary.

imperfect.

just.

us. 

and Oh! is it beautiful!

 Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

What happened to 13.3, 4,& 5??

I'm late on this one, by a few weeks, and I figured I should get it out sometime before regionals ;)

Perhaps, it's helpful to look back. I just reread this post I wrote a few months ago.  It was good to be reminded of this. I was right for almost all my predictions.

Except, It was the THIRD not the second week of the open before I got my mojo back after all the disruption of mid December to mid February.
Unfortunately, or maybe providentially, I didn't remember the calm, prophetic view I had just 6 weeks prior. My meltdown in 13.2 changed it all for me.

A few thoughts in summary:

1) It's all mental.

2) Knowing you need to change your life doesn't make it easy.

3) In the end we are always better than we were before. And if we're not better, then it's not the end. But "better" isn't defined by a score board.

4) Sometimes we have more good in our lives than we can hold at a time, and in order to embrace new gifts we have to put something down, but that doesn't mean it's gone forever.

A dose of truth ...

-"same love" from macklemore, etc.

"I can't change, even if I tried. even if I wanted to...."  It struck me. Well, you know, that is true.

This is not an accusation or a judgement on any one, and it's not about being gay. or not. or "human rights." Really it's just about life.
So. I heard this song and it makes me think about life, truth, the meaning of it all...
I like to think about those things even though I don't come to some great cure all answer. ever.

Any way, It struck me. It's true "I CAN'T CHANGE."
Not really truly, deeply, not of my own power.
I can't save myself. But most of the time I do try to do just that.  I try to change how I feel, what I think, what my habits are... and sometimes it works for a little while, but of my own power, it never lasts.

I'm cool with all my messy sh*z though (sometimes anyway, when my pride scoots out of the way)
Because I know who can change me, who can save me from myself and all dangers that draw me. It's only that power, that Spirit in me that allows me to do any good, to experience deliverance and freedom, or to just be ok that I'm messy.  It's OKAY- it doesn't mean that my messy is really actually tidy and right or anything. It just means I'm not alone, and the mess isn't what matters.

Any way... that is tangent city. Returning to the point:

It's just interesting to me that it's the same story since nearly the beginning of humanity I think.  Human nature knows it was created for greatness if only seen as through a cloudy glass.  We know we were made for love. We search for it by many means. I think that's why there is a little truth in every fallacy... because if there wasn't not many would buy the lie it's packaged in, and then where would the devil's triumph be?

Crossfit Open 13.2 - the turning point

The Greatness of man's power is the measure of his surrender. -William Booth

Oh what an adventure this season is turning out to be.
Be warned - 
this post is ~3% about crossfit and 97% about love and life!  
Just wanted to let you know, so you can stop here if you've been misled :)

This is Mary & I. Those are flowers
she brought me when she came to support me
during 13.2.
She's amazing.
Love frees us to do what we are being called to do.
I am so grateful. 

13.2 arrived last Wednesday:
10min of 5 Shoulder to Overhead, 10 Deadlifts, and 15 Box Jumps, oh my!
Hello posterior chain explosion.

It also marked the arrival of the (for real) realization that it's not important to me to go to regionals this year. I won't go through the details of the 2.5 attempts I took at it ... Yes even after I said I wanted to be "one and done" ...  cut me some slack I was working through some stuff.
AND guess what?! I found my answers.

Ready for it?
Competing this year is not my priority...
No, taking a 1000 pilgrims to World Youth Day in Brazil is my priority. oh. and. Getting MARRIED is my priority too. Actually that's the first order of business.

I have had and have crossfit dreams... but the time is NOW for my original dream and heart's desire.
It was not something I could go out and achieve. It's a gift God had to deliver to me in His time, and hello Calves with your head in the clouds, that time is now, Darlin'!  yes i just spoke to myself, and yes I'm really southern. My dream and desire is being given to me now.  And I've been missing it.
Oh Hello, Mr. Sheets, there you are!

So I decided ... somewhere between Wednesday and Sunday, that there is no reason to delay when God is calling.  Chris has been ready for this... and now I am.

As soon as I declared and accepted that I do not have the time and dedication necessary to pursue being competitive at crossfit this year, that it is not my priority to put in the time and energy for the gauntlet, THEN clarity came. What are we waiting for?

The pieces of life are never going to fall perfectly into place. It's never going to be all figured out financially and where you'll live or how long you'll be doing the things you do now.  It's enough to know that we want to be on this journey together, that we want to be one.
It's enough.
We choose that. We move on that.

And Look what I finally learned to do.
With my dear husband to be.
New tricks - new hope for the future ;)

We know that God will place each piece into place along the way as we go.

I love it when I get to see what God is up to.  It's pretty neat.
I love it when I finally let go and see how he wants to place the pieces... and I see. "hmm.. that's not what I thought, but hey! That's gooooood!" 

So between 13.2 and 13.3... my wedding date has moved forward 4 months. YAY!!
the countdown is on 69 Days!!!

Now I get to be a princess. Now I get to be a girly girl and plan and dream and think about my wedding day - That thing that I didn't allow myself to even consider all those years that my dream was deferred. Now I get to live it.  Sometimes, I guess you just have to make a seemingly difficult decision... and then you find it only seems so hard and confusing and scary until you do it.

So YAY! and YIKES!!
I'll take all the help and tips and support and advice you guys can throw at me.
I am abundantly blessed!

13.1 Crossfit Open

Just for the record... here's what I have so far about the crossfit open 2013.
It's a very different experience this year:

1) Balance. Breathe. One thing at a time.
I began my approach to this Open with less desperation than last year.

• That's good - it's more balanced. 
• That's bad - it's lacking the firey motivation to do EVERY THING necessary to achieve my potential. 

2) 13.1 was a serious mental and conditioning challenge.
I thought the snatches would have taken more focus and that the burpees were a filler. But I found the burpees needed some due respect to force myself to go faster than I wanted... and the snatches I should have gone faster than I wanted also... I was not going to fail on the 75# and there was very small chance of failing on the 100#... but I didn't know that, until I felt it.

3) What I did well - I made a really awesome, thoughtful plan.  I didn't get upset when I changed the plan mid workout.  I smiled and stayed calm through about 95% of it.  Cue: www.menalitywod.com. Seriously if you don't follow her on twitter or facebook get on it! Great advice for competing and life.

4) What I could improve - dig deeper!! trust myself that even if it feels like I will not finish if I push harder, I will finish.  I will not die.  I can do more than I think.  Also, I didn't want to. I just didn't want to go faster, dig deeper, push harder ... I wanted to pace it. and I paced myself down to a score I know wasn't representative of what I CAN do.

5)  Lessons

• You can't get it back. Make it count. 
• Don't sell yourself short at any point, aiming for something less than you know you are capable of doing. I aimed big but then when it hurt I set my sights lower than I should have.
• Restructure training to allow myself to be fresh, recovered, and ready for the open wod's with enough time to repeat if needed. 

6) New approach, Do what's necessary.  There are a lot of other important demands on my attention right now. and at least two other things that I need to give my best to - work and Chris.

I didn't want to do this one twice.  I didn't want to even consider it. I wanted to take this season as a test of my training more than my heart for the sport, because my heart is in other places.

But I NEED my heart. I need my passion.

No, this sport isn't my entire life, and I would much rather enjoy my weekend with my dear husband to be, investing in one another, than having the anticipation of the competition still looming over my head.

BUT this is only a SEASON.  It's a season I've worked all year toward.
And I wish I would have taken the effort to make 13.1 a stronger start.

I owe it to myself to make it a bigger priority, so I come out of it without any regret.
Even though I don't necessarily FEEL like it.

This is where Chris's support is invaluable.
Even though I would rather save more energy for him and for us than pour it all out on the Open,
it's something he is happy to sacrifice for this time to help me reach a goal I set.
My goals are important to him.
This is a new concept to me.

I've always treated life as though I had to be a loner to get what I need - I could tell other people, and ask for prayer, but in the midst of it, in action, I had to withdraw and do it on my own.
Now I am learning to trust that someone else is on my side and will stay by my side even if it means I have very little to give back for a while.

This is revolutionary. See why I can't help but love him so much :)

Shifting Gears

Today's musical inspiration

Contrary to the fact that she is singing about a relationship fallout... and I am walking in the most exciting relationship of my life on the threshold of forever...  you know. besides that. this is the song resonating with me.

"White knuckles and sweaty palms, from hanging on too tight.  

Clenched jaw, I've got another headache again tonight."

As per my last post. Life is changing. It's awesome. But welcoming the new means letting go of some of the old. Shifting. surrendering. Reassessing. ummm. I think that's called Growing. 

And this is hard. Why?  It means trusting that everything will still be okay if I adjust my course.  The truth generally is that it turns out BETTER than okay. Better than it was. 

But it's different, and for some reason (scar tissue maybe?) different is stressful and scary and takes a little extra TLC to walk through. 

True Story Tangent:  when I moved from New Mexico to California two and a half years ago, 

EVEN though I was coming back to something familiar, that I had loved, 

I was so anxious that I started jiu jitsu on top of crossfit, 

AND sold my (4 yr old, paid in full) car and bought a new financed one.  

Why? why do things that add stress to escape stress? 

It's the distraction factor no doubt.  

I cover my fear about the unknown future with lots of activity

 for the present that doesn't let me think about it. 

So Here today. I am possibly ever such a little bit stressed out. Don't worry. I'm coping. but my default mode is "It all depends on me" - and I relapse sometimes.

Fortunately I am marrying the most loving, supportive, helpful man on the planet.
and that makes it better.

I have been pushing SO hard, for so long in my training, that it's now hard for me to shift.
Now is the time to take a different perspective.
Train less volume but higher intensity. Take more time to recover, mobilize, dial in my nutrition, and get my head straight... .
It is the time for that - we are leading in to competition season.
relaxed mental focus is the most powerful driving force. 

Fortunately this is all coming together at the same time.
Lent is just around the corner and that is my ultimate reset button.
Just common sense wise my training needs to chill for this season.
Which is convenient because I don't have the time or flexibility with work to train twice a day any more.
AND I have a wedding to give just ever so little attention to... one piece at a time.
and that's fun :)

Meanwhile I'll give you the highlights of my last month which have forced me to come to this enlightened (ha) place:
Holiday travel.... OC Beatdown umm.er. I mean throwdown (more to follow on that)...
immediately leading into a week long sickness.
with a few days to spare before I flew to Brazil for a week... yay!
only to contract a latin american micro-beast in my innards. leading to another week of sickness.
Now I am 9 pounds lighter and heading to my future in laws in oregon for a long weekend.

I predict that
1) workouts in the next several days will be a victory despite the empirical outcome, simply because I'm DOING it. 

2) I will enjoy my mini vacation. 

3) I will be back to normal weight and routine by February 15th, 

AND
4) By the second week of the open my performance and strength will be back on track! and I will feel as great as ever. 

Yes. There it is:  new and simple and beautiful goals.

I will leave you with a visual snack of my time in Rio de Janeiro last week :)

Reorganizing Priorities

2012 was a life changing year.... and I've failed to document half of it.

Sorry gang. And really that's not much happening in this post either.
This space seems to be more about reflections, and I have some that are close to my heart right now.

Two things: Crossfit & Chris.

Crossfit has nearly consumed my blogging efforts from the beginning... then came Chris.
Who, apart from one or three references, has been absent from text as I let our journey unfold quietly.

But it's private no more :) we're engaged!
Whirlwind of a year, right?!
There I was plugging away at all my crossfit ambitions and God dropped this person right into the middle of it. Literally - We met at regionals after he judged me on event 4.  We had our first "date" at the crossfit games. And the last 6 months have been learning to let this love grow in the midst of all "my plans".

Funny. In search of a little reminder and motivation for the crossfit side of life I dug this up From the archives.
I needed to remember why I do this. I needed to reset my head in how I'm defining victory and success.
But I didn't find what I was looking for - I found why I was meant to do this last year.
Is it possible all of that was to bring me to the place where I was ready to meet the man I'm going to marry?
If I hadn't been competing that weekend, divine intervention aside, we would not have met.

There's some pretty mind blowing - stars aligning - details to our story. The way all the pieces were set, at the time they were set, that make it work just right that we would work.  If it had been at another time or place in either of our lives we would not have been a match. I'm pretty sure of that. Because you know, life affects us. Changes and molds us.  All those experiences made us who we are today - what we needed to be ready to embark on a life together from here on out, til death do us part.

Here's the thing. And this is where the "SHOULDS" have got me in frequent distress.
But in this time that should be SO EXCITING I find myself most often overwhelmed. and then it overwhelms me that I'm overwhelmed. because really I have pretty much nothing but goodness in my life.
You'd think I have no faith at all.

In all the stressors the biggest culprit is crossfit. Not crossfit for fitness sake. Crossfit in what I have made it - Crossfit in what it has become in my life. I have put so much empahasis on my goals there.
So much time, energy, blood, sweat, tears, so much of my purpose. It's become my purpose.
And that's just so wrong.  Is it time to set about smashing idols in my life?


I've questioned so many times in the past if I was putting too much value on it. And I never discerned that I was. There just was no other answer.
Now there is another answer.
It has to come second (actually 3rd....I've been leaving my job stress out of this equation... but paying the bills is important, and my work is very important).  And I just don't think having it as 3rd place in my life is going to be enough to earn me top 10 in So Cal this year.

If I could have lunch with any crossfit competitor and pick their brains it would be Val Vobril or Lindsey Smith - both working mamas and seriously amazing athletes. I want to know how they do it?
I want to know where their heart is as regards winning and losing and how they define it?  I want to know what competing means to them.  Somehow I think that almost every person at the Games has a story about how they balance life.

This whole concept of competing is relatively new to me. Until this endeavor I've never set my sight 'to win'.  Am I operating under some false notion of what it takes?  Is it time to redefine my goals?
I think so.   Of one thing I'm certain, the way I'm approaching my life right now, is not the person I want to be.  Changes are coming.
You'll see.

The Eye of a Hurricane

I'm here. Just here.

Life is happening  - all spinning and swirling around me, moving too fast to really make it all out.  And I stand in the middle - like standing in the eye of a hurricane.

Growing up on the Gulf Coast, we had a lot of hurricanes.
I know that as an adult, especially if you've only seen them on the news, hurricanes are associated with devastation and havoc, and even ruin and despair.  But that's not my experiential knowledge of hurricanes.
To me, as a kid, Hurricanes meant:

source

Maybe we'll tape our windows?
NO SCHOOL!
Maybe we'll go on a road trip?! aka evacuate...
Sometimes it flooded, and that meant we could go 'swimming' in the street.  That was fun.
If the lightening wasn't too close we could stay in the pool while it was pouring rain pretending we were out conquering the raging sea. That was fun too.
Sometimes it meant a party.
Sometimes we lost power and life got pretty stinking boring for a kid, just waiting around.

One of those times, I remember the storm passing and being told that it would come back.  We were in the eye.  I used the opportunity to escape the house and go to the park - It was deserted and wet, messy with leaves and small branches.
The air was refreshing and it was a nice escape, but the sky was gray.
It was peaceful and beautiful in a way, but knowing it was passing and leaving us with an unknown was...strange.
I don't know what it was I felt in that moment... but now feels the same.

I was probably 16 at that time, and maybe that's part of it... starting to see things and understand things differently than I had 'as a kid'.

Life now is peaceful... but it feels strange.  Maybe because I know there is A LOT going on.
Crossfit, Work, Chris. (It's official, I'm giving him a name ;)

I feel like life is spinning in motion around me, and I am very aware that is enormously bigger than me.
The picture is so much bigger than my life or how I feel about it.
God is moving, and that is GOOD!
But what on earth is He doing and how will the picture change?

Crossfit. I don't know what is happening there. I just don't know.
Pretty shortly after I began blogging I began my adventure in competing.
I overcame so many obstacles this year and achieved a goal that was beyond what I hoped possible.

There it is, friends.  The magic moment.
A girl and her judge... umm.
I mean a princess and her prince ;)

And in doing so I met my match - not looking for him, not expecting, actually not even really seeing him.
But that didn't matter.  He saw me, and laid out his strategic plan to win my heart. ;)

While he was plotting his conquest, I was dreaming crossfit dreams. Setting even higher and bolder goals.
I began training heavier and heavier and higher volumes.  I got to keep on training like I had been for regionals.  I actually really love training. It was fun and exciting, and admittedly exhausting.  But lately has been more duty, and stress, and fear of failure than fun and exciting.  Oh yes, and the exhausting part remains.
And I question, "Do I really want to do this?"

I have asked that question at least 20 times over the last two years, and I always come out with a yes... but right now... I honestly don't know.  I don't know what part this is meant to play in my life. That's a strange place to be.

Work is becoming increasingly demanding, as it does for 9 months out of every 2 to 3 yrs.  (I can not complain. at all!) I am going to be traveling much more.  In fact I have at least 5 trips I'll be making in the next 10 weeks.  Ok fine. only 2 of the 5 are work related and the rest are holidays. But still that's a lot of movement.  A lot of interrupted routine. A lot of sleeping and eating that are not in my own home.  It's not bad.  In fact, it's some very good things, and I want to be able to ENJOY it, but it does mean that I need to lighten up a bit. I need to loosen my grip on my way of being and having uninterrupted control over my life (ha!), and realize that my best right now is not the same as my best other times. It's just different. (Thanks Holly for your post on this topic leading into the holidays :)  And ultimately it means there are going to be stretches of time that are "out of my control" - meaning I won't be doing what I please. I will be doing what needs to be done and eating what is served.   I have an incredible opportunity to enjoy this.  But will I let myself?  It's strange.

"All I ever wanted" was to meet Mr. Right, become Mrs. Right, and make lots of little right babies. Isn't that so super cute??!  Well that did not happen on my timetable, so I went and got another dream in the meantime - I filled my heart with crossfit.
AND I LOVE IT.  I do. most of the time. I will always crossfit, but how do I meld my two dreams?  I don't know what it will look like. Or do I trade one dream for another? I don't know. But I know no one can tell me the answer. I know it means walking one step at a time and letting it take shape. I know I can't cookie cut it... and that's strange.

Life is changing, and that's a good thing. It's out of my control, and that's a good thing too. It just feels... strange ;)  I'm praying for the grace to continue to surf the waves around me and feel myself content and at peace with being on the edge of the unknown and not rushing to uncover it all.  Oh it's nice to write... but for now I'll end with a prayer and advice from Pierre Teilhard de Chardin ~

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.  We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay. We like to skip the intermediate stages . We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.  Yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability, and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you. Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.

Let them shape themselves with undue haste. Do not try to force them on.  As though you could be today what time - that is to say grace - and circumstances, acting on your own good will will make you tomorrow.  Only God can say what this new Spirit forming in you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing that His hand is leading you.  And accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete. "

Let it Count.

" When is the last time you wrote down all the things that you are proud of, that you've overcome, that you once couldn't do but now you can? "

Dawn Fletcher, inspirational coach extraordinaire, posed this question maybe a week or two ago, and I had to admit to myself it's been MONTHS at least.

I don't take enough time to count my blessings and let myself be proud of what I've done...
This is a tough exercise for me. I so often dismiss the victories almost as soon as they come, but I'm going to own it! 

1) I have been busting my butt in training. And almost everyday I think of how much more I need to do and how much deeper I need to dig if I'm going to do this.  And I've spent more time being discouraged that my max efforts are not where I want them, over being grateful that I get to workout every day. But you know, I AM proud that I am pouring my heart into my dreams and doing the work. I am giving my all, no matter how "my all" varies from day to day.

2) I have made gains in all my lifts pretty much weekly. I've never back squatted 220 for 3x3 or deadlifted 225 for 3x5 or deadlifted 260 for 2 reps. I'm pushing new limits. I'm proud of that.

3) I'm making room for a relationship in my life. Opening my heart to let myself be loved.  Working to be honest and open. This is a big "overcome" for me.  Another great step towards a goal I sort of stopped pursuing or believing was attainable.  I'm proud of that. and grateful.

4) Last month I visited my family.  A place where boundaries barely exist and structure has long been out of reach.  But this trip I made it a point to make a schedule.  To set limits. To take care of myself.  And this freed me to really enjoy my time there with out regret. 

5) I'm also going to add a little recap of the last 6 months accomplishments that I couldn't do but now can!

Handstand walks. Balanced headstands.  Muscle ups. Handstand pushups. 

6) I have done a lot of interior work in the last year.  Choosing to fight belief systems that are holding me back from grace.  This takes a lot of courage and humility.  I'm proud of that.

7) Also last month, I entered a competition and I took first place. I dismiss it for being a small competition, but who cares?  It IS something to be proud of.  Another day it may not happen, but why should that rob me of that moment in time that I gained a victory.

So, when's the last time you listed all the things you have accomplished, have overcome, are proud of?  I hope we both take time to remember and celebrate it!