A dose of truth ...

-"same love" from macklemore, etc.

"I can't change, even if I tried. even if I wanted to...."  It struck me. Well, you know, that is true.

This is not an accusation or a judgement on any one, and it's not about being gay. or not. or "human rights." Really it's just about life.
So. I heard this song and it makes me think about life, truth, the meaning of it all...
I like to think about those things even though I don't come to some great cure all answer. ever.

Any way, It struck me. It's true "I CAN'T CHANGE."
Not really truly, deeply, not of my own power.
I can't save myself. But most of the time I do try to do just that.  I try to change how I feel, what I think, what my habits are... and sometimes it works for a little while, but of my own power, it never lasts.

I'm cool with all my messy sh*z though (sometimes anyway, when my pride scoots out of the way)
Because I know who can change me, who can save me from myself and all dangers that draw me. It's only that power, that Spirit in me that allows me to do any good, to experience deliverance and freedom, or to just be ok that I'm messy.  It's OKAY- it doesn't mean that my messy is really actually tidy and right or anything. It just means I'm not alone, and the mess isn't what matters.

Any way... that is tangent city. Returning to the point:

It's just interesting to me that it's the same story since nearly the beginning of humanity I think.  Human nature knows it was created for greatness if only seen as through a cloudy glass.  We know we were made for love. We search for it by many means. I think that's why there is a little truth in every fallacy... because if there wasn't not many would buy the lie it's packaged in, and then where would the devil's triumph be?

The Eye of a Hurricane

I'm here. Just here.

Life is happening  - all spinning and swirling around me, moving too fast to really make it all out.  And I stand in the middle - like standing in the eye of a hurricane.

Growing up on the Gulf Coast, we had a lot of hurricanes.
I know that as an adult, especially if you've only seen them on the news, hurricanes are associated with devastation and havoc, and even ruin and despair.  But that's not my experiential knowledge of hurricanes.
To me, as a kid, Hurricanes meant:

source

Maybe we'll tape our windows?
NO SCHOOL!
Maybe we'll go on a road trip?! aka evacuate...
Sometimes it flooded, and that meant we could go 'swimming' in the street.  That was fun.
If the lightening wasn't too close we could stay in the pool while it was pouring rain pretending we were out conquering the raging sea. That was fun too.
Sometimes it meant a party.
Sometimes we lost power and life got pretty stinking boring for a kid, just waiting around.

One of those times, I remember the storm passing and being told that it would come back.  We were in the eye.  I used the opportunity to escape the house and go to the park - It was deserted and wet, messy with leaves and small branches.
The air was refreshing and it was a nice escape, but the sky was gray.
It was peaceful and beautiful in a way, but knowing it was passing and leaving us with an unknown was...strange.
I don't know what it was I felt in that moment... but now feels the same.

I was probably 16 at that time, and maybe that's part of it... starting to see things and understand things differently than I had 'as a kid'.

Life now is peaceful... but it feels strange.  Maybe because I know there is A LOT going on.
Crossfit, Work, Chris. (It's official, I'm giving him a name ;)

I feel like life is spinning in motion around me, and I am very aware that is enormously bigger than me.
The picture is so much bigger than my life or how I feel about it.
God is moving, and that is GOOD!
But what on earth is He doing and how will the picture change?

Crossfit. I don't know what is happening there. I just don't know.
Pretty shortly after I began blogging I began my adventure in competing.
I overcame so many obstacles this year and achieved a goal that was beyond what I hoped possible.

There it is, friends.  The magic moment.
A girl and her judge... umm.
I mean a princess and her prince ;)

And in doing so I met my match - not looking for him, not expecting, actually not even really seeing him.
But that didn't matter.  He saw me, and laid out his strategic plan to win my heart. ;)

While he was plotting his conquest, I was dreaming crossfit dreams. Setting even higher and bolder goals.
I began training heavier and heavier and higher volumes.  I got to keep on training like I had been for regionals.  I actually really love training. It was fun and exciting, and admittedly exhausting.  But lately has been more duty, and stress, and fear of failure than fun and exciting.  Oh yes, and the exhausting part remains.
And I question, "Do I really want to do this?"

I have asked that question at least 20 times over the last two years, and I always come out with a yes... but right now... I honestly don't know.  I don't know what part this is meant to play in my life. That's a strange place to be.

Work is becoming increasingly demanding, as it does for 9 months out of every 2 to 3 yrs.  (I can not complain. at all!) I am going to be traveling much more.  In fact I have at least 5 trips I'll be making in the next 10 weeks.  Ok fine. only 2 of the 5 are work related and the rest are holidays. But still that's a lot of movement.  A lot of interrupted routine. A lot of sleeping and eating that are not in my own home.  It's not bad.  In fact, it's some very good things, and I want to be able to ENJOY it, but it does mean that I need to lighten up a bit. I need to loosen my grip on my way of being and having uninterrupted control over my life (ha!), and realize that my best right now is not the same as my best other times. It's just different. (Thanks Holly for your post on this topic leading into the holidays :)  And ultimately it means there are going to be stretches of time that are "out of my control" - meaning I won't be doing what I please. I will be doing what needs to be done and eating what is served.   I have an incredible opportunity to enjoy this.  But will I let myself?  It's strange.

"All I ever wanted" was to meet Mr. Right, become Mrs. Right, and make lots of little right babies. Isn't that so super cute??!  Well that did not happen on my timetable, so I went and got another dream in the meantime - I filled my heart with crossfit.
AND I LOVE IT.  I do. most of the time. I will always crossfit, but how do I meld my two dreams?  I don't know what it will look like. Or do I trade one dream for another? I don't know. But I know no one can tell me the answer. I know it means walking one step at a time and letting it take shape. I know I can't cookie cut it... and that's strange.

Life is changing, and that's a good thing. It's out of my control, and that's a good thing too. It just feels... strange ;)  I'm praying for the grace to continue to surf the waves around me and feel myself content and at peace with being on the edge of the unknown and not rushing to uncover it all.  Oh it's nice to write... but for now I'll end with a prayer and advice from Pierre Teilhard de Chardin ~

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.  We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay. We like to skip the intermediate stages . We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.  Yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability, and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you. Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.

Let them shape themselves with undue haste. Do not try to force them on.  As though you could be today what time - that is to say grace - and circumstances, acting on your own good will will make you tomorrow.  Only God can say what this new Spirit forming in you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing that His hand is leading you.  And accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete. "

One year later... & thoughts on slipping into smitten

Theme music for today's post.

Despite the fact that in this blog I clearly expose all my frantic, messy, train wreck, struggling and striving imperfections to the internet... somehow I still seem to imagine that I hold some sort of perfection and togetherness of appearance. yeah, I know. No clue.

In my adventures in dating, or lack there of, I think it is precisely this divide - between reality and what I want to believe (and have others believe) is the reality - that is the primary culprit in the better named "misadventures" ...

Exactly one year ago, I posed the question to you all of what the heck is my problem and do I even want to change it?  Now seems like a good time to follow up on that point - because I have a pretty good comparison to make, and progress reports are always in order. Are they not?


1) Yes, yes. I'm NOT perfect, but someone has recently entered my life that insists daily on seeing me with my strengths and weaknesses, my daily battles, as something of the most beautiful and amazing nature.   So while I freak out and fight to keep up all my defenses and anxieties that I'm the one holding "it all" together (even though I know this is not true) ... he challenges me to love myself, mess and all.

2)  So he's not Catholic. meh. no one's perfect ;) 
In fact, it might be better this way. We'll see.
Considering my point from last year that Catholics seem so often to disagree on the ways they believe and live their faith and what's optional and what's not... such that you often don't really know what you're going to get even with someone that calls themselves the same religion as you,  it seems so much  more about growing together. 
And here is someone that respects and admires my faith and convictions...
So what I have found, despite denominational differences, is that we're able to share a love of Christ and both daily invite Him into each step of the journey - and that really is the core of it all.
It's so freeing to know the whole thing is in God's hands and we're both leaving it there.

My relationship with God, absolutely, IS the only way I make sense of and come to peace with anything in life, and that relationship is inseparable from the Sacraments through the Church.  I could no sooner abandon my faith than I could stop breathing. And he doesn't ask that of me. He's even been coming to Mass! This openness and acceptance of something that is so important to me is a precious gift, even if he never shares every aspect of it. 

3) It's still true.  All I do is work and crossfit, but lucky me!  Crossfit brought this Captain Awesome Mr. Tough guy, honey snuggle muffin to me ;)  I didn't have to compromise my goals, and force myself to go out looking.  He was up close and personal in the midst of my competition mode and still picked me out as his crossfit crush.  That's so awesome. Even though I'd like to keep a pretty face on, knowing he's seen me in the raw. really raw. beast mode. and still thinks I'm attractive is encouraging.

4) This is the painstaking part.... I have been VERY comfortable in the perfect little order and delicate balance of my life and emotional health, that I've fought to create.  It IS a process of learning to extend my life to include some one and stretch beyond work and crossfit.  BUT this is just about as organic of a transition as I could hope for, with someone that supports me and my lifestyle in every way.  I am SO grateful to have such an incredibly patient, caring, and strong man in my life.

5) Again... have I met one of the most understanding and supportive men on the planet?
Date 3 (or 4 depending who you ask)
Him: "SO, what are your goals, dreams, ambitions?"
Me: "Honestly, I've never been a career driven person... all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mom..."
I don't think we ever got past that point in this particular conversation. 
No talk about how that has changed.
Nothing about how I have adapted my goals in light of a "dream" so long deferred. 
I think at the time I didn't think he was really listening to me. But he was. He just didn't need to hear more than that right then. I guess even though I don't have clear power career woman goals it's clear enough that I'm immensely loyal, committed, and driven in anything I set as valuable to me.   It's enough.  It's a beautiful thing.  He sees that, and that is rad.
About the rest ... well he's had plenty of time for abundant adventures of his own: snowboarding, and rafting, and skating, and traveling... a lot like me in different ways.... trusting that God has the plan and the timing.
His providence has never disappointed.

So... I say let the adventure continue.
one day at a time :)

So Blessed.

What happened while I was busy training?

It's been over three years since I first walked through the doors of my local crossfit gym in Rio Rancho NM, just after my 30th birthday.

I don't know if I could do a single pullup.  I certainly remember starting out with the big black band for assistance.
I had never really had any experience with a barbell, and wasn't eager for a closer acquaintance.
I would go to the gym in the middle of the day, when the fewest people were there, so it was less intimidating.

I certainly remember being intimidated.
I remember the first time someone stayed through the class to cheer and encourage us.
I remember how this attention and care strengthened me.

Crossfit. We sweat together. We suffer together. We dig for our best together.
A lot has been written about it. Why we love it, why it becomes part of our lives, but that is not what this post is about. This post is just a reflection back on the beginning and stepping outside myself to look at today. 

I had no idea in the beginning how much I would suffer, how HARD I would fight, how much I would risk. 
I also had no idea how much I would gain.

Today,
I'm that girl.
That girl that totally intimidated me.
That girl that awed and wowed me.
That girl with those muscles and definition I dismissed as genetics when I saw them on others.
That girl throwing up crazy amounts of weight for a 3x5.
That girl straining and grunting like the boys.
That girl I never thought about being,
but that girl I AM.

Somewhere along the way, I decided I LOVED this stuff. I loved pushing my limits every day. 
I didn't think or bother to care about WHAT I'd become if I threw myself in the crucible of digging for my best....
If everyday I disciplined my mind and body to pursue this training.
To push when I wanted to give up.
To show up when I wanted to stay home.
To add that extra 5 lbs on the bar, full range of motion on a squat, full height on wall balls, that extra rep, that extra pull.
one day after another.

It's amazing what happens when you take a chance on desire. over. and over. and over. again.
The WHO you can find is pretty amazing. I catch a glimpse every now and then of what is happening while I've had my head down the hole of sticking to the program of my training.

I've become
That girl who hopes.
That girl who believes.
That girl who doesn't fear failure.
That girl who doesn't settle for excuses.
That girl who doesn't settle for the easy way out.
That girl who doesn't quit.
That girl who lives.
That girl who risks.
That girl who shrugs her shoulders at the odds not in her favor.

I'm still me. I'm just more powerful, walking a little more fully in God's glory,  a lot more real... and over a 1000 steps closer to who I was created to be.  and wow. It's a cool view to take in.
Just for a moment.
Drawing encouragement.

Before returning to being that girl. just doing what is hers to do. today.

Tough and Dusty

Ok, so it is a "Tough Mudder" I'm reporting on.


I did my first Tough Mudder!!
It was tough. And a little muddy. But mostly dusty (seriously, breathing in all sorts of dust and at times not even being able to see 5ft in front of me for the stampede of people through the dirt), AND a Heck a lot of steepness to climb and descend.

one of the many motivational signs along the way...

The course was at Snow Valley near Big Bear, CA. 

It was 10.5 miles-ish. Ranging from 6000-8000ft.

with about 13 obstacles, while in between them

we traversed up and down ski runs, sans snow.

It could have been much worse. Can't it ALWAYS be worse?

But I think was more than satisfied with the toughness of the day.

Will I do another?  Umm... not sure about that yet.

BUT. It is so cool to have been done.

There are some things about this challenge (it's not a race, they say) that are different to me.
1) It lasted forever.
2) It was a team effort, which is part of why it lasted forever.
3) It may have been the biggest, longest challenge in one stretch that I have ever faced.


By forever, I mean 4 hours. 
If I had done this on my own I think it would have taken about 2.5ish.
The super spartan had nothing on this course.  It was a very different experience, though for appearances I would think it should be very similar.
Actually the guys that brought our team together had done a tough mudder in February, at the same location I had done the Super Spartan last year -Vale Lake near Temecula.  I asked them how this one compared to their last.  They responded that in terms of difficulty, "If this is a 10, then February's was a 5".  Well that makes us all pretty bad@ss don't you think?


Secondly, team effort.  I have never really run a race as a team, but again "it wasn't a race, but a challenge." 
Years ago, I was always behind the group in our 5K runs. We all just went at our own pace and regrouped at the end. In the last few years, I've generally been ahead of my comrades.  I've felt a little guilty about this. Like a Jerk really. Guilty about leaving them behind.  But then I never felt guilty or resented my friends when I was the one left behind.  So maybe I need to just lighten up on myself.  We all owe it to ourselves to be our best.  Not to hold back from what we can accomplish for fear of making others feel bad.

(And this is when I get all introspective)

But then where is Christian charity and compassion in that? 
I suppose there is a time and a place, and a competition is not the place?
But then, I feel like I am competing everyday, and in that,
I fear I am becoming self centered.
But I also feel I do owe it to myself, and to others who would be inspired, to TRY to be my best.  After all isn't the glory of God man fully alive?  Isn't holiness being the best version of ourselves - journeying with Him to discover what that is?

Somehow, there must be a marriage of these two callings.  Being free to drive and strive and shine, and being free to serve and humble oneself, sacrificing my own desires for others.
I just don't know how that is to be. yet.

So a team effort this was, at least in the sense that we left no man behind.  We regrouped at every obstacle and water station.  Since of course I felt I needed to prove I could hang with the toughest of the boys and to prove somehow to my coach that this was a worthy challenge, I stayed pretty near the front of the group, and just got more rest while we waited to regroup.  Other than this, the boys helped me over the walls, and we rallied and encouraged each other, and we finished together. 
This was different for me.  It was a little weird too, since I had just met 12 of my 13 teammates that morning. Still it's cool to be a part of a whole. And it must be good for me to lay aside my drive to just go go go on my own - 
To try to be a little more cooperative and play well with others :)

The truth is in all things I need to know I have a crew of support behind me, to lean on, to pray for me, to believe in me, and to catch me when I fall.  And I love being that for others.  But in our own ways, in our own battles, generally we're not side by side but the support is no less real. 
In all this long journey of life, I still don't really know how to be with people and be true to myself at the same time. What's the trick? 

I think I'm learning, and yet, I clearly still have some lies in my head that need to be knocked out.

Final observation: biggest longest challenge yet... hmm... well I've hiked mountains before, for longer distances, and greater heights.  I've also walked 500miles across a whole country before. But all of those seemed to be at a much more casual pace with more reflection along the way, more of a retreat than a challenge, so it's different I suppose.

With every adventure I'm growing more comfortable with being uncomfortable.  More resilient to muscle fatigue. And I have more experience of victory to combat my belief system from youth that says "I'm not an athlete, I don't win anything, I just blend into mediocrity."  I've said this many times and probably will have to repeat it many more, but it's about time I started believing in myself.

All in all, this was another step to challenge my will, and to do it in solidarity with thousands around me.
Pretty cool stuff.
OH, and I came down full blown strep throat within 3 days of this adventure... so Hey, either the germs were already building within as I conquered this challenge, or I picked them up along the way.  ewwww.

Oh so many more thoughts and insights to the experience but these are the biggest musings in the last few days. What adventures are you having these days?

Waiting & Wishing & Hoping & Dreaming... with Muscle ups

Hold the gasoline friends, because I am on FIRE!

Seriously. I've crossed three more goals off my list since posting last week, including the ever elusive muscle up!

It's not pretty, and I know it wouldn't count in competition, but so what! It's a huge step forward!

I'm not going to lie.  I turned into super sad sauce after this victory.  Which of course led to some introspection, because why should a long hoped for accomplishment make me sad???

I realized that there's a part of me that never thought it would happen.  There's a part of me that believes my hopes and dreams will never be accomplished.  And this victory brought that broken hearted part of me to the surface.  The part I hold quietly tucked in the corner, not wanting to give a voice.  The part that has been afraid to dream, to aspire, to love, to risk.  I think it was good for me to let that part of my heart break, or just to express it's brokenness, and to let it be consoled by a dream fulfilled, one goal accomplished that has been a repeated failure for 2 yrs.

Dramatic? meh. maybe, but that's my heart for you.

It was one way that God was telling me my heart matters to Him - in a way, through experience, he let my heart feel the reality of a truth my mind accepted on faith long ago:

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a future and a hope." Jer 29:11

He is with me.  The littlest things matter to Him. It's not about winning; it's about believing, and about becoming whole. Wholey who I was made to be - holy.

So.. carrying this theme out into other areas of my life- particularly my single state - there is someone for me.  I will find him.  God is not holding out on me, or punishing me for past sins.  He's preparing me for the best. 

When I heard this song, I kind of thought it will be the theme song when I finally find that some one.   "I have died every day, waiting for you."  Every day that I've chosen to be chaste, to be patient, to not settle, I died to a cheaper desire... hoping and trusting that I will receive the real thing one day.  I am waiting for an authentic love, and my best friend.  I love him, even though I don't even know him yet.  And some days it does feel like I've been waiting 1000 yrs.

In the meantime, I get to see the fruit of my effort and labor and sacrifice in the crossfit world each day... there's something tangible.  Here's my mantra against all the thoughts that tell me I'm going to blow it, that I'm not enough, that it's all going to fall apart....

Watch me :)



Ashes & Aspirations

Today is a big day!

It's Ash Wednesday. Coincidentally, it is also the beginning of the crossfit open.

The Open kicks off the Games Season, and the test of my training.
Ash Wednesday ushers us into Lent, and the 40 day journey to strip away the unnecessary and unhelpful.

It's pretty cool actually that they arrive at the same time.

~Ashes~
Lent means "spring time" literally.  It's a time for new growth, new life, but spring is always preceded by the starkness of winter. 

In the paraphrased words of my Facebook Friend, "Lent comes as an intense penitential time where Christians spiritually follow Christ into the desert and spend 40 days with Him there. We ramp up our prayers, penance and alms to mortify our senses and bring our flesh under subjection to the higher power of the soul, the will. We do these things for love of God and to be reminded that we do not live on meat and veggies alone* but our good God. Everything culminates on Holy week, the week preceding Easter... where Christ suffers His Passion... then Easter Vigil when we await Easter... then Easter!!! The greatest feast day of the church calendar!
I personally always come out of Lent, more disciplined, grateful and realizing how many superfluous things I add to my life."

*because since when have crossfitting Christians eaten bread?

~Aspirations~

Coming into the Crossfit Open, I have a high goal.  Top 60.

Only the top 60 each of men and women will go onto the regional competition. 
Top 60. 
Last year I was 89th. 
But it didn't matter last year, because I got to go as part of a team onto the next level.
But it didn't matter last year, because I had never competed EVER and had no idea where I would fall
...so as absolutely emotionally bananas as I was... I didn't have a reference point.  

This year there are twice as many people participating and at least half are likely to have been training as hard as I have this year.... or harder. That pretty much translates into I have to have improved more than 60% since last year to reach my goal.
Right?
I just crunch numbers. Not so good at knowing if they actually mean what I think they mean :)

~Ashes~
We wear ashes on our foreheads today to remember what happened to the human race with sin...
"Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return"
It's humbling.  This isn't what we were created for, but there's such a beauty and a simplicity in wearing it.
It says,  "I know you are bigger than me, God.  I know on my own I go off all kinds of crazy ways.
Everything in this world will end in ash and dust.
But I know if I trust in You and walk with You through this desert.
I will be with You.
In the end there will be life."

~Aspirations~
I discipline my body daily.  I train diligently.  I eat mindfully.
When I'm not in the gym, I seek chiropractic adjustments, pilates for strength and alignment, massage for release and recovery, mobility, contrast showers, ice, stretching, compression, and SLEEP.
please more sleep!
And still it too often feels like its not enough. I'm not making the progress I want at the pace I think I need.
Southern California is pretty undebatably the toughest region for women.
I don't even have hand stand pushups or muscle ups yet.
My propensity to freak out is great.

But... Seeing so many people compete in the open, so many just giving it a go,

Is beautiful. and simple. and humbling.

It brings back the big picture of why we all do this - because we love it.  because we want to push that much harder to find our new best each day. because we are a community, encouraging one another to grow.

~Ashes~

I love lent. I love the austerity.  I love the simplicity.  The focus.  I love that it lasts 40 days, because you know it takes me nearly that long to "get it".

I love that it lands right along side something that would tempt me to pride and vanity and self depricating insanity, with the fear of "not making it".

Because with these two things together I feel like life balances out...

The daily cross and the hope.

I'm ready!

The Confessions of Vainaholic

A vainaholic.  I googled it just to see if it could be a word, and a brilliant girl already had the same idea :)

However, I have a little different interpretation of the word.  Not limiting vanity to appearance, but to concern over others' opinions in general.  I feel like this blog often looks like the confessions of a vainaholic - confessions of how much undue emphasis I put on what others think of me and my journey to break free.

So here we go.

Fierce Right?

Fierce and Beautiful.

Some think so.  I know it because they said it! and others...

the others are less documented but I'm sure they are present.  They don't think "fierce and beautiful."  They don't think, "wow.  There is an amazing woman." 

Instead, they think,
"I'm a little scared right now."
"So much muscle isn't feminine."
"That's not pretty."

or heaven forbid, "She looks fat"

All debatable, but wounding nonetheless.  It's hurtful, because most women don't want to be scary.  They want to be nurturing and life giving; we want to be encouragement and hope.  We want to be feminine -BEAUTIFUL.

If I were already married, if I had already found some one that thinks I'm wonderful and beautiful and amazing, that I feel the same way about, maybe I would be less sensitive.  But probably not.  We all need to find our peace with ourselves without needing the opinions of anyone else to dictate it - because people are changing and fickle (frankly they are just not God) and therefore, they will always fall short or disappoint at some point.  They can't help it; they are human.

Some one once advised me, regarding the search for my soulmate, "Don't appeal to a man's baser nature. Appeal to his nobility."
I think I understand more what he meant.  But he followed it with the encouragement that I focus on "grace, beauty, elegance, and modesty."

While it was a good pep talk... I was frustrated and discouraged.  I felt he was telling me to change, to be a whitewashed version of the feminine genius. To be something I am not. I was discouraged because I spent years with my only ambition in life to be a wife and mother of a large family (6. 7. 8. the more the merrier.) Because I held that up as the standard of a beautiful, worthy, and virtuous woman. 

And that never happened. And so I began to think about me.  Who am I?  What was I created for? What are my gifts and contributions?  Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother of a large family?  Maybe I have other joys and delights in this world, and maybe that is good too?
In fact, I am grateful for my life!

I was discouraged because I've been shedding my stereotype of who I 'should be' and on so many levels I feel more alive, more truly myself than ever before - and yet In the pictures above - grace, beauty, elegance, and modesty are not the dominent messages. 

I see strength, sacrifice, victory, endurance, hope.

And well, if that is not enough to win the love and respect of a good and noble man, then I guess I will live a life alone.

With this, very sad, but clear conviction - I rejoice in the deliverance from vainaholic land - from man pleasing land.

The part of me that is strong to resist lies, discrimination, scrutiny, and the ever changing opinon of the world is growing.  I feel poweful - like the martyrs were powerful, lke the saints have been powerful, like we are all called to be powerful over our own domain.  Faithful stewards of the gifts we've been given.

So at the end, we stand, empty, naked, transparent - and unashamed, because we know we've been true.  We've been real. 

And real is beautiful.

Tragical Things



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 I find myself feeling a little like this - simply wretched.  A lesson must be learned but it's no use talking about it.  One must simply cry, bear the shame, and humbly walk forward with the consequences of impulsive acts born from emotions.
Oh Anne of Green Gables, Tomorrow is fresh with no new mistakes in it. YET. 
Things turn out okay for Anne.  I hope today that I can endure like her through the catastrophes - Head held high.

The practical relation as regards this blog today is I thrive with REAL food... treats and indulgences, sometimes, really aren't treats... I think they will make me feel special and beautiful with raven black hair, instead I end up feeling just awful, hurt, and worse off than before aka Green Hair.

The top 20 myths of my 20's

Musing about the ridiculous things I thought about life at age 20, I wanted to make a top 20.  You know. As the title suggests. But I only came up with 5!  I could stretch it out, but I'd rather hear yours!!  What are some of your ideas at 20 that are riduculous to your current self. Can we come up with 20 things?? 

1. As I age, my gray hair and wrinkles will be the signs of my wisdom, why would I seek to change them?

2. I will meet and ride off with Prince Charming by age 24, and we will live a fairytale happily ever after, proceeding to have numerous chidren.. 7, 8, 10, 12 enough to field some sports teams.


3. I will be a master of all things domestic. Like really Martha Stewart  super star and super mom in one.  The untiring Prvbs 31 woman.


4. Older people that contradict me are just bitter about life.  I know a better way.

5.  I can totally rock some pigtails with bows in my hair. It's not juvenile. It's cute on me.

AND....?

Ever have days like this?

warning: explicit language. Do not play in the presence of children or holy people.

I find myself singing the chorus of this song in my head more often than is healthy I'm sure.  Pretty much always when I'm sitting at my desk, not getting work done, and wondering what am I doing with my life. Then I think but there's nothing I want to do with my life any more. I inevitably fail at everything.

Dramatic much?

This is when instead of rolling over and dying (because that never fixes anything).  I want to fight.  I want just let all my anger and frustration and disappointment out.  There have been a lot of days I've taken that to the gym. I shut out the world and hammered through the WOD with all the passion of my pent up emotions... it helps sometimes, but it's not enough.

So I still sing with Adam some days, and then if I really start thinking about Death. Judgement. Heaven. Hell.

It makes those moments of desperation seem pretty pale.  Death is no escape from reality. 

All the brokenness that I can't face will be faced.

There are times in life that are just not fun. The 'real' not fun times, like losing a loved one, or a relationship, or a job.  Those tangible things that no one can deny, but there are also those not fun times that are just having to live in my own skin...  and honestly for me those times come quite frequently the less I pray.

It's amazing.  It's like I forgot I have peace and freedom and joy always before me - I just have to take  a moment to turn my presence to it. It's amazing, that I can be freaking out with this song in my head, sick at life, then just take a walk with my rosary, and it all melts away.
My faith has been such a familiar face for a long time.  I forget how good a friend it is.

I kind of wonder if it's like being married. Years and years ago, it was all consuming.  It was fresh and new; I immersed myself in it.  Every healing Mass I could go to, everyone that would pray over me, every opportunity for retreat, service, growth... I took it.  I even committed Friday and Saturday nights to a holy hour in adoration for a whole semester.  Over the years, I've never questioned my faith and my commitment to Christ,  but I'm sure I have taken it for granted.
The journey has become familiar, and I've probably hardened my heart from some disappointments.  I haven't left Him, but I don't rely on Him to surprise me, to save me every single day, the way I used to.  I don't work on the relationship as if my life depends on it, I too rarely let Him romance me.... and I'm the one that's suffering for that. God doesn't need my prayers, I do. desperately.

Of all the relationships I have ever and will ever have this one is what matters most.  If I lose friends, dates, buddies, or the esteem of others,  if it means I'm on the outside of conversations, or am uninvited, or don't fit in, that's sad to me, but I can't pretend that my life makes any sense without God.  To do so is to lose my very self, and then I'll be singing with Adam Sandler, "Somebody kill me please"... because my life has lost its meaning.

What is all of this? Just the babble from my desk and my heart.
I'll end with motorcycles.
One time, I saw a train of more motorcycles than I have ever seen.  It was crazy!  There were at least 100 of them in procession.  Then I realized it was a funeral procession.
Whoever's funeral it was I imagined must have died in a motorcycle related accident, and these were all his motorcycle friends.  I was remembering this sight recently, and it struck me that if someone I loved was killed by something, there would be a part of me that would want to hate that thing forever.  I imagined if he were my loved one and I was part of his possy, my fear and pain at his loss might drive me away from ever touching a motorcycle again.  But then there is a part of the heart that feels the call to rise above fear and pain and stand strong, defiant!  I think that's the part that had all those people on their bikes, and I think that's the part in me clings to knowing there is more for me in this life than I see most days.  Yes, I've been disappointed and I've been hurt, but I can't just quit...
I don't have the answers, but I know where to find them.
how does all this connect?  I'm not sure really.

Who's your fictional character?

Now that I've given you the LOTR reference, and an insight to my inner jerk, maybe you will see more clearly that my character in that movie is...

Yes! This guy. It's true. We are the same.  Gollum! Not that I killed my cousin for the precious, but you never know, I might and then I'd let myself be driven crazy with the desire for it.
Can you really be surprised why I am so concerned with being balanced?? He's not even really one person is he? But I have that gollum like dialogue going on with myself sometimes. 

Let's consider the words of Gandalf, Gollum "hates and loves the ring, as he hates and loves himself." That pretty much sums up my character comparison.  I am in one shot the most vain and selfish person (case in point Spartan Race: Get out of my way people!  I have to do what I have to do!!) but also the most severe critic and enemy of myself - Dragging myself away from freedom and life, stealing the joy from my victories, keeping myself feeling worthless and captive.

I don't think I'm alone in this really.  After all if pop culture is any indication of the broken human person... it's all over the place.
Observe:
Gaga "Baby I was born this way"
Natasha Beddingfield "So strip me, strip it all away... I'm only one voice in a million, but you ain't taking that from me."
Cristina Aguilera "I am beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can't bring me down..."
and my latest favorite Pink, "Don't you ever ever feel like you are less than perfect."
Do you have some more to add for us?

I love that stuff. I jam out in my car.  But LBH (uh hello, let's be honest), friends,  it seems a little like we are over compensating for our shame with the defense of our goodness.  You are Perfect? really?

I'm tired of destroying myself.  Really I am, but I'm also tired of being her...

Long before I realized I am Gollum... I recognized myself in Scarlett O Hara... and immediately started praying for mercy.  Dear God save me from myself.
She leaves a trail of admirers in her wake.  She never loves and appreciates what she has. She stays fixated on what she wants.  Her life is a journey in tragedy, mostly of her own making, and probably because she thought she was 'perfect'.

Gollum and Scarlett,  they are such tragic characters.
I suppose the beauty in this connection I am making with them is recognizing the truth and letting it be what it is...  This solution, this beauty, this grace, is not nearly so dramatic or epic - and I definitely connect to life in epic terms - but I do believe it's part of the path to freedom.
I'm talking about humility.  Humility is who we are before God - nothing more and nothing less.

Instead I build myself up as more or tear myself down as less.  Why is it so hard to be stripped?

To just be what we are, no excuses, no hiding the greatness in us, no belittling our gifts, but no pumping them up either.
No sugar coating our sins and weaknesses so we don't feel as bad about them, but staring them straight on.  Man (or Woman) enough to say yes, I did that. I'm sorry. Repent and move on without beating ourselves up or  thinking our actions control our worth.
And on the flip side, facing our sins and weaknesses for what they are... admitting it rather than covering it over and pretending it's really okay, "I am perfect just the way I am, mistakes I made them, and that's all okay, I'll keep doing what I want to do" so let me persist in my pride to my tragic end and never admit that I did it to myself...

Is it so hard just being who we are, good and bad, and recognizing we are loved immensely... and letting that love transform our lives?
Hard or not I think it's worth the challenge.  And the cool part is everyday is a choice.  Everyday we can change what we think.  As much as I can see in myself the tragedy of Gollum and Scarlett, I can also see the courage, strength and determination of Eowyn - a warrior princess.

She didn't conform to the role she was given; she was faithful to the desires of her heart.
Maybe she didn't get what she thought she wanted in the end, but she did find love, and she was the only one who could have done what she did.  None of those men could have killed the Nazgul.

That's who I'd like to be - chopping the heads off evil monsters, yeah!! :)
What about you?