Life is happening - all spinning and swirling around me, moving too fast to really make it all out. And I stand in the middle - like standing in the eye of a hurricane.
Growing up on the Gulf Coast, we had a lot of hurricanes.
I know that as an adult, especially if you've only seen them on the news, hurricanes are associated with devastation and havoc, and even ruin and despair. But that's not my experiential knowledge of hurricanes.
To me, as a kid, Hurricanes meant:
Maybe we'll go on a road trip?! aka evacuate...
Sometimes it flooded, and that meant we could go 'swimming' in the street. That was fun.
If the lightening wasn't too close we could stay in the pool while it was pouring rain pretending we were out conquering the raging sea. That was fun too.
Sometimes it meant a party.
Sometimes we lost power and life got pretty stinking boring for a kid, just waiting around.
One of those times, I remember the storm passing and being told that it would come back. We were in the eye. I used the opportunity to escape the house and go to the park - It was deserted and wet, messy with leaves and small branches.
The air was refreshing and it was a nice escape, but the sky was gray.
It was peaceful and beautiful in a way, but knowing it was passing and leaving us with an unknown was...strange.
I don't know what it was I felt in that moment... but now feels the same.
I was probably 16 at that time, and maybe that's part of it... starting to see things and understand things differently than I had 'as a kid'.
Life now is peaceful... but it feels strange. Maybe because I know there is A LOT going on.
Crossfit, Work, Chris. (It's official, I'm giving him a name ;)
I feel like life is spinning in motion around me, and I am very aware that is enormously bigger than me.
The picture is so much bigger than my life or how I feel about it.
God is moving, and that is GOOD!
But what on earth is He doing and how will the picture change?
Crossfit. I don't know what is happening there. I just don't know.
Pretty shortly after I began blogging I began my adventure in competing.
I overcame so many obstacles this year and achieved a goal that was beyond what I hoped possible.
|There it is, friends. The magic moment.|
A girl and her judge... umm.
I mean a princess and her prince ;)
But that didn't matter. He saw me, and laid out his strategic plan to win my heart. ;)
While he was plotting his conquest, I was dreaming crossfit dreams. Setting even higher and bolder goals.
I began training heavier and heavier and higher volumes. I got to keep on training like I had been for regionals. I actually really love training. It was fun and exciting, and admittedly exhausting. But lately has been more duty, and stress, and fear of failure than fun and exciting. Oh yes, and the exhausting part remains.
And I question, "Do I really want to do this?"
I have asked that question at least 20 times over the last two years, and I always come out with a yes... but right now... I honestly don't know. I don't know what part this is meant to play in my life. That's a strange place to be.
Work is becoming increasingly demanding, as it does for 9 months out of every 2 to 3 yrs. (I can not complain. at all!) I am going to be traveling much more. In fact I have at least 5 trips I'll be making in the next 10 weeks. Ok fine. only 2 of the 5 are work related and the rest are holidays. But still that's a lot of movement. A lot of interrupted routine. A lot of sleeping and eating that are not in my own home. It's not bad. In fact, it's some very good things, and I want to be able to ENJOY it, but it does mean that I need to lighten up a bit. I need to loosen my grip on my way of being and having uninterrupted control over my life (ha!), and realize that my best right now is not the same as my best other times. It's just different. (Thanks Holly for your post on this topic leading into the holidays :) And ultimately it means there are going to be stretches of time that are "out of my control" - meaning I won't be doing what I please. I will be doing what needs to be done and eating what is served. I have an incredible opportunity to enjoy this. But will I let myself? It's strange.
"All I ever wanted" was to meet Mr. Right, become Mrs. Right, and make lots of little right babies. Isn't that so super cute??! Well that did not happen on my timetable, so I went and got another dream in the meantime - I filled my heart with crossfit.
AND I LOVE IT. I do. most of the time. I will always crossfit, but how do I meld my two dreams? I don't know what it will look like. Or do I trade one dream for another? I don't know. But I know no one can tell me the answer. I know it means walking one step at a time and letting it take shape. I know I can't cookie cut it... and that's strange.
Life is changing, and that's a good thing. It's out of my control, and that's a good thing too. It just feels... strange ;) I'm praying for the grace to continue to surf the waves around me and feel myself content and at peace with being on the edge of the unknown and not rushing to uncover it all. Oh it's nice to write... but for now I'll end with a prayer and advice from Pierre Teilhard de Chardin ~
"Above all, trust in the slow work of God. We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay. We like to skip the intermediate stages . We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new. Yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability, and that may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you. Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves with undue haste. Do not try to force them on. As though you could be today what time - that is to say grace - and circumstances, acting on your own good will will make you tomorrow. Only God can say what this new Spirit forming in you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing that His hand is leading you. And accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete. "