What happened to 13.3, 4,& 5??

I'm late on this one, by a few weeks, and I figured I should get it out sometime before regionals ;)

Perhaps, it's helpful to look back. I just reread this post I wrote a few months ago.  It was good to be reminded of this. I was right for almost all my predictions.

Except, It was the THIRD not the second week of the open before I got my mojo back after all the disruption of mid December to mid February.
Unfortunately, or maybe providentially, I didn't remember the calm, prophetic view I had just 6 weeks prior. My meltdown in 13.2 changed it all for me.

A few thoughts in summary:

1) It's all mental.

2) Knowing you need to change your life doesn't make it easy.

3) In the end we are always better than we were before. And if we're not better, then it's not the end. But "better" isn't defined by a score board.

4) Sometimes we have more good in our lives than we can hold at a time, and in order to embrace new gifts we have to put something down, but that doesn't mean it's gone forever.

Dark Night of the Crossfit Soul

Let's be honest.

... I feel like I have to say it out loud. I have to declare it to claim it, so I'm writing it. 

I have been so twisted up in my head and my heart over crossfit for the last six months. I've been so confused and probably over trained. 

That won't do - I need a clear goal. To continue through the open I need to know what my purpose is. I need to name what victory is to me. 

I thought it was finishing in the top 48...actually I'm not even sure that was honest, because I wanted to place top 15 at regionals so even if I make top 48 I'm sure I'd find a problem with it. But that's not my purpose anymore. 

So what is it?  

What is victory to me right now?

Finishing.  Just finishing. 

It's a reassessment of my goals.

I'm not copping out, or giving up. But I am gaining clarity and focus. 

I just need to get through this season as far as it takes me. 

I just need to show up at the box day in day out, disciplined as I have been. 

I need to do the open workouts like any other workout. 

Hitting it hard as I always do.  I need to give it my best effort and then just keep going. 

Just keep going. 

Winning right now is showing up, giving my best, and letting the chips fall where they will. 

No agonizing over what score I need. No leader boarding. 

No anxiety and scrutinizing myself. 

No doing it over and over. 

My goal is to finish what I started. 

That I keep showing up is all that matters right now. 

Sometimes victory is just doing what you need to do, even when you don't feel like it. When your heart isn't in it. 

Being competitive at crossfit was my dream.  Last year was great. 

I have a new dream right now. 

And I want to soak that up and walk in the light of its beauty. 

I just need my love story right now. 

Another time, another season I may change my mind. 

but now. 

It is what it is. 

13.1 Crossfit Open

Just for the record... here's what I have so far about the crossfit open 2013.
It's a very different experience this year:

1) Balance. Breathe. One thing at a time.
I began my approach to this Open with less desperation than last year.

• That's good - it's more balanced. 
• That's bad - it's lacking the firey motivation to do EVERY THING necessary to achieve my potential. 

2) 13.1 was a serious mental and conditioning challenge.
I thought the snatches would have taken more focus and that the burpees were a filler. But I found the burpees needed some due respect to force myself to go faster than I wanted... and the snatches I should have gone faster than I wanted also... I was not going to fail on the 75# and there was very small chance of failing on the 100#... but I didn't know that, until I felt it.

3) What I did well - I made a really awesome, thoughtful plan.  I didn't get upset when I changed the plan mid workout.  I smiled and stayed calm through about 95% of it.  Cue: www.menalitywod.com. Seriously if you don't follow her on twitter or facebook get on it! Great advice for competing and life.

4) What I could improve - dig deeper!! trust myself that even if it feels like I will not finish if I push harder, I will finish.  I will not die.  I can do more than I think.  Also, I didn't want to. I just didn't want to go faster, dig deeper, push harder ... I wanted to pace it. and I paced myself down to a score I know wasn't representative of what I CAN do.

5)  Lessons

• You can't get it back. Make it count. 
• Don't sell yourself short at any point, aiming for something less than you know you are capable of doing. I aimed big but then when it hurt I set my sights lower than I should have.
• Restructure training to allow myself to be fresh, recovered, and ready for the open wod's with enough time to repeat if needed. 

6) New approach, Do what's necessary.  There are a lot of other important demands on my attention right now. and at least two other things that I need to give my best to - work and Chris.

I didn't want to do this one twice.  I didn't want to even consider it. I wanted to take this season as a test of my training more than my heart for the sport, because my heart is in other places.

But I NEED my heart. I need my passion.

No, this sport isn't my entire life, and I would much rather enjoy my weekend with my dear husband to be, investing in one another, than having the anticipation of the competition still looming over my head.

BUT this is only a SEASON.  It's a season I've worked all year toward.
And I wish I would have taken the effort to make 13.1 a stronger start.

I owe it to myself to make it a bigger priority, so I come out of it without any regret.
Even though I don't necessarily FEEL like it.

This is where Chris's support is invaluable.
Even though I would rather save more energy for him and for us than pour it all out on the Open,
it's something he is happy to sacrifice for this time to help me reach a goal I set.
My goals are important to him.
This is a new concept to me.

I've always treated life as though I had to be a loner to get what I need - I could tell other people, and ask for prayer, but in the midst of it, in action, I had to withdraw and do it on my own.
Now I am learning to trust that someone else is on my side and will stay by my side even if it means I have very little to give back for a while.

This is revolutionary. See why I can't help but love him so much :)

OC Throwdown 2013: Playing with the Big Kids

The crossfit games season begins in a week, but I competed in another little competition last month, and the lessons I learned there are really big for me coming into this competition season.... so I wanted to tell you about it.

The OC Throwdown was held in ummm... the OC... in case you didn't guess.
It seems to have begun as just a local event, reaching out to the surrounding Southern California region, but within a few years it has grown and drawn competitors from across the country including many Games competitors.   This is pretty cool.

It was only $10 to sign up for the online qualifier in the fall, and my coach encouraged all of us to participate. I'm a good athlete, in the respect that I generally do what I'm told - so I didn't think much of it and just signed up.

It probably is worth mentioning though that I didn't want to do it. Seriously, I thought it was dumb.
Some of my teammates had competed last year, and the feedback was so miserable I had an incredibly negative view toward it.  It was a subtle negative energy that didn't fully shake until long after the event was over I'm sad to say. Now looking back, you guys, I'm so grateful I did it.

I learned a lot...

1) Post Competition I made a table listing all the things I felt I did well and what I could improve on every work out.
Super organized right?!  I wish I could say I do this daily. 
The trend I found was that I didn't visualize myself completing the workouts.  Yeah, yeah, I wanted to do my best. I wanted to win. But I visualized "getting through" and "surviving" the "very heavy, very challenging workouts" (see. check them out)
Apart from the 1st event (which was my best by the way)... I didn't expect/plan to crush the prescribed amount of work within the time limit.

Lesson: you will rarely achieve something challenging if you do not plan to achieve it.  Aim HIGH. Visualize Strong. If you get out there and all your visualization falls short, learn a new lesson, but for goodness sake at least make a point to believe you can do whatever you set out to do!

I have made this mistake several times. Now I see it, and will actively be working this area of mental preparation going into this games season.

2) I'm a pro. HEH. THAT'S FUNNY :) 
 It was published that the top 60 from the series of qualifying workouts would be invited to compete.  The top 30 would be in the pro division and the next 30 would be in the amateur division.  I qualified into the amateur division, and I was very cool with that.

When I got there, there was only one female division. Professional.
We were all competing in the Pro division.
There were at least 7 individual games competitors.
There were several more that proposedly (did I make that word up?) should have, would have, could have qualified in another region than their own, or  who have qualified in years past.  AND there were even several more that competed at the Games as part of a team.
It was truly a pro division.

Lesson: Don't be intimidated to play with the big girls.  Be adaptable. In competition, focus on yourself and what you can control. Know that if you are there, you deserve to be there. 

3) I got served, demolished, crushed by my competition.
at least that's how it felt at the time.
I was so heart broken at the end of the 1st day, after 3 workouts.
I had done everything I could and I ended in failure... literally. muscle failure in 2 out of the 3.
There were minutes left on the clock and could not do one more muscle up in the 2nd workout.
There were minutes left on the clock and could not get to the top of the rope one more time in the 3rd workout.
I watched people blow past me because I just had nothing left.
But you know what?  I did 3 consecutive muscle ups for the only time in my life to date.
 I did a 20 ft. rope climb for the 1st time in my life. That's awesome.
You know what else? It's okay to "fail" - at the time it really felt like I was failing but I wasn't. I was holding my ground. I was fighting. I was competing.  That is a victory.

Lesson: In every failure there is a victory. 

Yeah yeah. trite little lessons. Calves. I'd roll my own eyes,
but I'm serious.

I had such a bad attitude going to this event, from the very first qualifier.  All my efforts at mental prep and focus and fun were real efforts. REALLY. I did try. But they were feeble compared to what was beneath.
The fear and the negativity were way bigger than I realized.... like the depths of an ice berg.

 (side note: Check out Mentality WOD! I need to spend more time with Dawn's freakin awesome material.)

Having this experience has been really incredible, because despite all the negativity. the difficulty. I did it.
I went, I worked, I laughed, I cried, it's over.
and now I can look back and say...


4) Yes, I did. I competed with games competitors.
not only did I show up at the same event with them, I QUALIFIED to compete with them.
AND I even beat a few of them on one event.  In a way, this was way bigger and cooler than regionals because it was top competitors from all over.

Yes it was hard.
So what?
It's going to be hard.
It's always going to be hard.
Even if I were the best in the world; this crossfit stuff we do, is not easy for anyone.
It's not supposed to be, and
That's a big part of what makes it worth it.
But getting my head out of my own anxiety and expectations about how I compare to everyone else and even how I compare to my own idea of who and what I should be is an absolute necessity for progress.

Lesson: Let your competition be your inspiration - every one of them is fighting.  Learn how they do it!

I have stood in line with Kris Clever at a few events over the last few years. Watching her attitude across the board has really convicted me about my own attitude, disposition and demeanor toward competition. I am so grateful for that experience. And in this particular competition to see Andrea Ager, Lyndsey V, Taylayna Fortunato, Gretchen Kittleberger and so many others in their zone was a great opportunity and inspiration. I love being part of this sport. 

The Eye of a Hurricane

I'm here. Just here.

Life is happening  - all spinning and swirling around me, moving too fast to really make it all out.  And I stand in the middle - like standing in the eye of a hurricane.

Growing up on the Gulf Coast, we had a lot of hurricanes.
I know that as an adult, especially if you've only seen them on the news, hurricanes are associated with devastation and havoc, and even ruin and despair.  But that's not my experiential knowledge of hurricanes.
To me, as a kid, Hurricanes meant:

source

Maybe we'll tape our windows?
NO SCHOOL!
Maybe we'll go on a road trip?! aka evacuate...
Sometimes it flooded, and that meant we could go 'swimming' in the street.  That was fun.
If the lightening wasn't too close we could stay in the pool while it was pouring rain pretending we were out conquering the raging sea. That was fun too.
Sometimes it meant a party.
Sometimes we lost power and life got pretty stinking boring for a kid, just waiting around.

One of those times, I remember the storm passing and being told that it would come back.  We were in the eye.  I used the opportunity to escape the house and go to the park - It was deserted and wet, messy with leaves and small branches.
The air was refreshing and it was a nice escape, but the sky was gray.
It was peaceful and beautiful in a way, but knowing it was passing and leaving us with an unknown was...strange.
I don't know what it was I felt in that moment... but now feels the same.

I was probably 16 at that time, and maybe that's part of it... starting to see things and understand things differently than I had 'as a kid'.

Life now is peaceful... but it feels strange.  Maybe because I know there is A LOT going on.
Crossfit, Work, Chris. (It's official, I'm giving him a name ;)

I feel like life is spinning in motion around me, and I am very aware that is enormously bigger than me.
The picture is so much bigger than my life or how I feel about it.
God is moving, and that is GOOD!
But what on earth is He doing and how will the picture change?

Crossfit. I don't know what is happening there. I just don't know.
Pretty shortly after I began blogging I began my adventure in competing.
I overcame so many obstacles this year and achieved a goal that was beyond what I hoped possible.

There it is, friends.  The magic moment.
A girl and her judge... umm.
I mean a princess and her prince ;)

And in doing so I met my match - not looking for him, not expecting, actually not even really seeing him.
But that didn't matter.  He saw me, and laid out his strategic plan to win my heart. ;)

While he was plotting his conquest, I was dreaming crossfit dreams. Setting even higher and bolder goals.
I began training heavier and heavier and higher volumes.  I got to keep on training like I had been for regionals.  I actually really love training. It was fun and exciting, and admittedly exhausting.  But lately has been more duty, and stress, and fear of failure than fun and exciting.  Oh yes, and the exhausting part remains.
And I question, "Do I really want to do this?"

I have asked that question at least 20 times over the last two years, and I always come out with a yes... but right now... I honestly don't know.  I don't know what part this is meant to play in my life. That's a strange place to be.

Work is becoming increasingly demanding, as it does for 9 months out of every 2 to 3 yrs.  (I can not complain. at all!) I am going to be traveling much more.  In fact I have at least 5 trips I'll be making in the next 10 weeks.  Ok fine. only 2 of the 5 are work related and the rest are holidays. But still that's a lot of movement.  A lot of interrupted routine. A lot of sleeping and eating that are not in my own home.  It's not bad.  In fact, it's some very good things, and I want to be able to ENJOY it, but it does mean that I need to lighten up a bit. I need to loosen my grip on my way of being and having uninterrupted control over my life (ha!), and realize that my best right now is not the same as my best other times. It's just different. (Thanks Holly for your post on this topic leading into the holidays :)  And ultimately it means there are going to be stretches of time that are "out of my control" - meaning I won't be doing what I please. I will be doing what needs to be done and eating what is served.   I have an incredible opportunity to enjoy this.  But will I let myself?  It's strange.

"All I ever wanted" was to meet Mr. Right, become Mrs. Right, and make lots of little right babies. Isn't that so super cute??!  Well that did not happen on my timetable, so I went and got another dream in the meantime - I filled my heart with crossfit.
AND I LOVE IT.  I do. most of the time. I will always crossfit, but how do I meld my two dreams?  I don't know what it will look like. Or do I trade one dream for another? I don't know. But I know no one can tell me the answer. I know it means walking one step at a time and letting it take shape. I know I can't cookie cut it... and that's strange.

Life is changing, and that's a good thing. It's out of my control, and that's a good thing too. It just feels... strange ;)  I'm praying for the grace to continue to surf the waves around me and feel myself content and at peace with being on the edge of the unknown and not rushing to uncover it all.  Oh it's nice to write... but for now I'll end with a prayer and advice from Pierre Teilhard de Chardin ~

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.  We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay. We like to skip the intermediate stages . We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.  Yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability, and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you. Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.

Let them shape themselves with undue haste. Do not try to force them on.  As though you could be today what time - that is to say grace - and circumstances, acting on your own good will will make you tomorrow.  Only God can say what this new Spirit forming in you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing that His hand is leading you.  And accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete. "

Training Power Deux

"We are what we repeatedly do.

Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit."

-Aristotle

Another video that gets my head straight and set to do work, make my training count, and generally gets me  fired up to make a habit of living for excellence in this moment.

"I have rassled with an alligator... I done tossled with a whale.

I have handcuffed lightning and thrown thunder in jail.

That's bad." 

Ha.ha. Muhammad Ali... such a poet 

"It's not about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.

How much you can take and keep moving forward." 

Thanks for that Rocky Balboa

"Never give in. Never give in. Never. Never. Never. In nothing great or small, large or petty,

Never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force. 

Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy." 

-Winston Churchill... He knows.

Victory and the Fire



C.A.L. Saturday Night Lights 
Crossfit Temecula South Aug 4, 2012



I post so much about the fight. the journey. the path. I suppose there are victories in there too - My muscle up. Qualifying for Regionals. Finishing the Whole 30. and today standing on a podium.

It was a small competition.  In fact I only had two competitors in the advanced female division - my beloved training partners, Natalie and Kim. Sharing this competition with them was really special. I love them. We dig for our best together all the time, while 100% encouraging and helping one another.  Everyday they are with me in this journey.  Saturday, we just took it outside the box.  Competing with your support system beside you is very different from competing beside girls that have no vested interest in you whatsoever, except to finish ahead of you. I am so very grateful for these girls.

I won this one. I wanted to win it. We train to win. But I know these girls, I know where their strengths and weaknesses are. I knew where I could gain and where I might lose ground with them. I know what their training setbacks have been. They've each a few setbacks and they still made me fight for it. They were right on my heels. They are phenomenal athletes and any one of us could have taken it Saturday.  But in circumstance and drive, I was positioned to succeed this time. 

Now, for the road ahead, how do I take that to the next level? How do I come off a victory, celebrating it, but thirsty to be better?  Just by being honest and real and remembering my goals.
I guarantee if I took this opportunity to sit and bask in self satisfaction, and to ease up a little on my training, because "Hey I'm doing great", and then face this competition again next month... the outcome would be different. I wouldn't be positioned to win, because I wouldn't be as hungry for it, because I would miss valuable training time, because the little things we do and sacrifice EVERY DAY add up and count in the end.

I listen to all sorts of crazy motivational youtube clips.  Everyday. It feels silly to share with people, but I know it works for me. Every day on my way to the gym I have to stoke and fan the flames of desire and fight in my heart in order to get the most out of the training session.  At the competition, I sat off to the side with my head phones getting my self pumped up and hungry to start in the lead and stay in the lead. hungry NOT to quit. Not to slow down. Because once that timer starts and the weights start moving... it will get heavy, it will get hard, my lungs will burn, my legs and back will ache, and there will be a point that I want to just stop, before it's over.  Always.

I have to have my head fixed harder than my muscles.
This was fun :) I have only ever been on the podium in my life ONE time, and that was as part of a team.

As small as this competition was, it was a victory for me. I need to celebrate that.  I need to let it reach my heart and hold it there. The podium is possible. I am capable of suceeding at this when I work for it.  These months of focus, and consistent drive, have been working. 

Oh, yeah, I don't do this just to fight every day. I DO have an end, a goal I want to achieve.
And one rest day later, I need to move forward from this experience determined to be even better and stronger and faster next week and the next and the next.
Back to the box.

Training Power

I LOVE THIS!

It has been getting me through my training sessions every day...

my mental fuel to dig deeper and deeper with every lift, every metcon, every challenge.

Through Another's Eyes

Sometimes, it's nice to let someone else tell the story from their point of view.  Here's the play by play on my 2012 regional competition as written by the president of my informal fan club - Miss Jackson Reedy~~~~

"I was given the bird, reprimanded in Church, and learned the importance of men in tights …… that’s right folks….. The SoCal Regional 2012 arrived!

Ahhh California….

First of all, to all of the CrossFitting men who choose to wear tights, I would just like to say thank you! Thank you thank you thank you for accentuating all your hard work! I needed some Icy Hot rubbed on my whiplashed neck from rapid the head turning! Also, thank you for bringing to light the fact that I really need more spiritual direction and the sacraments more frequently. But really, is it sinful to admire the male form in tights? A discussion for another blog post I’m afraid! The second thing that I am grateful for is unlimited coconut water…. Due to the fact that I was the official coach of athlete #221, I received a magical pass that gained me all access to the athlete’s tent! The only think I like more than coconut water, is free coconut water, and I was making it my personal mission to drink VitaCoco into bankruptcy.

Workout 1: “Diane” Don’t be fooled Diane is a bitch! 21-15-9 of HSPU’s and Deadlifts (155lbs) Going into the competition, I think this was the one workout that Kathy was hoping not to see… but our Lord has a way of making her stronger, and He did! She performed fantastic; finishing more rep’s then in any of her previous attempts! I also learned a valuable lesson, cheer silently for Kathy while she attempts HSPU’s otherwise….

But what I loved most about this picture is the passion! Look at that ‘bird’! The form is perfect!!! She got her point across, I shut my mouth J

Workout 2: For time: Row 2000 meters, 50 one-legged squats, 30 hang cleans (135lbs) Kathy did awesome! This workout was definitely right in the comfort zone! Her rowing pace was unreal! Those super legs really come in handy in events like this! By the end of the row there were only two women in the hunt, Kathy Carey and Katie Hogan! Honestly it was so unreal watching the two of them fight it out. I was so freaking happy! It was one of the moments that I will never forget. The evil one had been jacking with Kathy telling lies that she was not an elite athlete and BEHOLD, there she was battling with one of the top 5 crossfitters in SoCal, and probably the second most popular woman in the sport! She is elite, she has been for some time, and there she was displaying it for all to witness. It was so amazing to watch Christ’s truth unfold right in front of me in the form of a sweaty, chalked up friend of mine.

Workout 3: The Gut Check! 4 rounds of 10 dumbbell snatches (70 lbs), and sprints. Just to emphasize the magnitude of this… the dumbbell was ½ Kathy’s body weight. She had to repeatedly take it from the ground to full extension overhead in one motion with one hand. Superhero stuff! Workout 3 was defiantly a brutal test that showed a whole lot about her beautiful character. Kathy has the heart of a lion (insert thoughts of Aslan here). When the workout began it was clear that she was struggling with taped up hands and the fear of not being able to lift the weight. I could literally feel the anger and anxiety pouring out of her. It was the most helpless feeling knowing that the only thing I could do was tear up and literally plea with St. Michael to help her lift. Then in a move that takes some serious balls, she completely stopped! She ran over to her coach (the real one, not the one after free coconut water) had him tear that restrictive tape off, she reset, and started ripping that weight overhead! It was so beautiful seeing her drive to finish, and her determination to not let the workout define her. It was such a moment of growth for not only her, but also for those watching. When things are not going your way, when you're getting your @ss handed to you, sometimes the best thing you can do is just calm yourself, strip life down, reset, and start again stronger than when you first began.  Kathy powered through! She may tell you differently, but don’t listen to her she did a great job! Honestly, I would venture to say that was the most defining moment in her CrossFit career. Afterward, it was muscle ache, most of which came from the heart, but Jesus is like the great ice bath, sit in Him for a few minutes and He will make all things new. Her muscles became refreshed and it was onto work out 4.

Workout 4: Lift a lot of heavy crap, squat it, perform a bunch of pull-ups and repeat. If ever in life there was a perfect workout for Kathy, this may have been it….sadly I missed half of it! That’s right! The president of the Calves Carey Fan Club was walking around looking at men in tights while Kathy was competing. How could this happen? There was a mix up in information. Kathy was told she was going to be in heat 2 which started at 4:30…. In reality she was in heat 3 which started at 3:50! This also came as a great surprise to her. She had no time to warm up, no time to think, no time to second guess… only time to run out there and put on one of the greatest athletic performances to date! I was in the restroom ‘giving back’ some coconut water when I heard on the intercom “Kathy Carey is in the lead with 30 pull-ups”… After staring blankly at the stall trying to decipher if I heard that correctly, I ran as fast as I could to witness this for myself. Sure enough, there she was dominating her competition!!! I’m not trying to brag, but I will, she was killing everyone else!!! Killing them!!! I could not even speak, I could only scream at the top of my lungs in joy! All you heard from the announcers were “can anyone catch Kathy?” “Crossfit 760’s Kathy Carey is in the lead” It was bananas! In the course of only a few hours I witnessed Kathy go from heartbreak to triumph, I am just so thankful I was there to witness it. She had the top time through the first 2 heats and ended up finishing 10^th overall! Kathy “Calves” Carey is an elite athlete!

After the “killer calves’ workout, it was only proper that we go to Mass to thank Him for all of His blessings. We joined this cute little community for mass and it was there that Kathy got us in trouble! This was an all Spanish mass and seeing as how the words "margarita", "taco" and "Nuevo Mexico" were not in the liturgy, I was in lala land dreaming up impossible scenarios that were never going to happen. Kathy on the other hand took the initiative to learn the message of the gospel and borrowed my phone for use of the Magnificat. Right about the time I was figuring out an escape route for evading snipers there was a tap on Kathy’s shoulder from an usher telling her to put the phone away immediately! She tried showing him what she was reading, but he could care less! “NO PHONES IN CHURCH!!” Busted! Poor Calves, she got in trouble for reading the gospel in Mass. But, praise God for holy and reverent communities!

Workout 5: Snatch ladder and double-unders. As a fan of the sport and only a spectator, this workout was kind of bland to me. I think looking back it was the waiting that killed me. All of the women filed in one by one to begin this workout. I was so nervous that it felt like 200 people began before the person that I cared to see. In the individual category all of the women pretty much went out at the same marks, which was pretty expected I think. Kathy ended up snatching 105 and finished that workout in 24^th place. The most beautiful part of this workout was an event that happened following its completion. Kathy noticed that they scored her incorrectly; they made a mistake and gave her credit for a lift that she did not complete. Only wanting to do what glorifies God, she went to the scoring table and gave them truth. Kathy’s honesty was the difference between some women making the final cut or packing their things and going home. In a perfect world everyone would do the right thing, but lets just face it, many times that’s not what happens. Never a missed opportunity to lead Crossfitters closer to Christ.  

The 2012 SoCal regionals was an experience that I will never forget. I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I express how happy and proud I am of you, Kathy. I look forward to sharing in the journey to the 2013 SoCal regionals. I have so much confidence in your ability and I know that God has huge blessings in store for you. Thank you for inspiring me to be better, not only in fitness but also in life. However, I do have a word of warning, you inspired me try and beat you so just know that I am coming! I love you!

2012 SoCal Regionals… That’s a wrap!"

To my dear friend, Thank you so much for believing in me! The journey is just beginning, still! but I could not have even embarked upon it with out so many voices of encouragement to fight for me through the times I didn't have faith in myself.

I don't do this for me

even against who I think I am.

Lately I've been struggling to remember why I do this?

Crossfit. Training. Competing.

Life = Sleep. train. eat. work. train. eat. Repeat... (and don't forget to mobilize and recover!!)

Why?  Is it all just vanity?  Dust and Ashes.

When there is a whole world out there that's so much bigger than this. 

With these thoughts my heart and my limbs get very heavy.

Without purpose, why push and drive and fight?

"Because I'm worth it, Because I CAN, Because I deserve to be my best."

Sure.

Empty. Vanity. Blah. Blah. Blah...

That's not enough for me.

And so I take it to prayer.  I pour out my heart to the only one that holds the TRUTH.
Desperately seeking, "Is this for your glory or mine?"

And there is no peace other than this is where I am right now.
This what I have been given to do.  Nothing else makes any sense.
Small and simple as it is, when I push and drive and fight for my best in this path, I am more ALIVE.
more free, more me.
Yes, there is more pain and exhaustion.
But that is far better than numbness. dullness. deadness. going through the motions of life.
Seeking and Not finding.
Restless.

The key to freedom. Every thing is grace.

God is with me here.
I don't need to seek.
I don't need to question.
I just need to do.
Even if I'm the guy with only one talent. Better to risk it all and allow God to multiply it than to bury it.
And if I suck. If I fall.  Well then it was all vanity, wasn't it?

Not at all!
Because I don't do this for me anyway.
I do this for God.
It's his work in me.  SO what then?
The outcome is all on Him. I just need to do the work.

I do this because it is what I've been given to do.
This is my one talent, I won't bury it.

In the meantime I'll try not to hate Bob Harper for getting a 6:58 Diane, when I can't even put two HSPU's together these days.  It's not about him. It's not even about me :)  I need to remember that.

Gratitude - part 2

Have I really only done one Gratitude post?? Ok. Well, I'm fixing that right now.
My life is overflowing with goodness, and it seems like a necessity in my lenten resolution, "Don't be a Jerk" to acknowledge it.  Besides, if I don't get it out I might explode.  Or worse... forget.



to which I must answer, "Heck yes I will!"



1) I did it.  Crossfit Regionals here I come.  I didn't just make top 60 either friends. I finished 24th in SoCal. That's bananas. 



2)  I get daily motivation from my former 4229 roommate - every day through the open she helped me believe in myself and get my head on straight, ready and driving to succeed - Including little gems like this one...

3) My whole crew at Crossfit 760 is the best - even when I have melt downs ending in a DNF and crying on the gym floor.   They love me anyway and still think I'm super.  I'm so grateful I'm surrounded by people waiting for me to succeed.  So many out there are surrounded by peops waiting for them to fall - but maybe that's just because that's what they put out to the world.  No lie, peops,  when you send love and gratitude out into your world, you will find it.  St. John of the Cross knew what he was talking bout.

Yep, showed you this before. Still true.



PS "Princess" is kicking butt finishing grad school right now. Stud!



4) I got flowers!!! Such love.  I don't care if it IS cliche; Nothing says you love me like beautiful fragrant flowers. Thanks, Princess! 

These are the kind of awesome thoughtful people I have in my life.  I am not that person - so it makes it especially humbling and me especially grateful.

5) God KNOWS. He knows, He cares. He's got my back.  Winning or losing or whatever.

There's a bigger plan, and it's a good one.

At the moment, I have a touch of tendonitis or something that flared up quite unkindly 2 weeks ago. I was still able to kick heiny in the final work out, and now I am resting. and resting. and resting it.

While this is not exciting - I am taking a grateful moment and choosing to trust. It IS exciting to know that God sees the bigger picture. He sees how it will all end, and I can choose to relax, go with what is, do what I can, and know all things work together for good. 

Four out of Five 2012

So. who's tired?  Everyone.  That's what it looks like from this angle.
There's one week left in the crossfit open for 2012, and the fatigue is permeating the atmosphere.
I took almost a whole weekend of rest and still Monday finds me feeling apathetic and exhausted.

What to do when you burn out on striving for your goals:

Step One:  Breathe.

Step Two: Take a break and do something you love. that makes you smile and fills your heart.  for me that's: Dance right now. or the beach when the sun returns.

Step Three: Remember, you love this. No matter what the outcome is. Breathe THAT in.

Step Four:  Stay in the present.  Where you are right at this moment is where you are.  That is okay. Don't worry about next week or month or all the what if's.  Do what you need to do today.

Meanwhile, get rest and remember you did not get to the point where you are overnight.  You will not lose it over night.  Give your body what it's asking for, and just start moving again on your journey... with a smile and a full heart. No excuses or fears. Just do it.

Finally, for my crossfitters in the open right now, check out Katie Hogan's tips.

Ashes & Aspirations

Today is a big day!

It's Ash Wednesday. Coincidentally, it is also the beginning of the crossfit open.

The Open kicks off the Games Season, and the test of my training.
Ash Wednesday ushers us into Lent, and the 40 day journey to strip away the unnecessary and unhelpful.

It's pretty cool actually that they arrive at the same time.

~Ashes~
Lent means "spring time" literally.  It's a time for new growth, new life, but spring is always preceded by the starkness of winter. 

In the paraphrased words of my Facebook Friend, "Lent comes as an intense penitential time where Christians spiritually follow Christ into the desert and spend 40 days with Him there. We ramp up our prayers, penance and alms to mortify our senses and bring our flesh under subjection to the higher power of the soul, the will. We do these things for love of God and to be reminded that we do not live on meat and veggies alone* but our good God. Everything culminates on Holy week, the week preceding Easter... where Christ suffers His Passion... then Easter Vigil when we await Easter... then Easter!!! The greatest feast day of the church calendar!
I personally always come out of Lent, more disciplined, grateful and realizing how many superfluous things I add to my life."

*because since when have crossfitting Christians eaten bread?

~Aspirations~

Coming into the Crossfit Open, I have a high goal.  Top 60.

Only the top 60 each of men and women will go onto the regional competition. 
Top 60. 
Last year I was 89th. 
But it didn't matter last year, because I got to go as part of a team onto the next level.
But it didn't matter last year, because I had never competed EVER and had no idea where I would fall
...so as absolutely emotionally bananas as I was... I didn't have a reference point.  

This year there are twice as many people participating and at least half are likely to have been training as hard as I have this year.... or harder. That pretty much translates into I have to have improved more than 60% since last year to reach my goal.
Right?
I just crunch numbers. Not so good at knowing if they actually mean what I think they mean :)

~Ashes~
We wear ashes on our foreheads today to remember what happened to the human race with sin...
"Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return"
It's humbling.  This isn't what we were created for, but there's such a beauty and a simplicity in wearing it.
It says,  "I know you are bigger than me, God.  I know on my own I go off all kinds of crazy ways.
Everything in this world will end in ash and dust.
But I know if I trust in You and walk with You through this desert.
I will be with You.
In the end there will be life."

~Aspirations~
I discipline my body daily.  I train diligently.  I eat mindfully.
When I'm not in the gym, I seek chiropractic adjustments, pilates for strength and alignment, massage for release and recovery, mobility, contrast showers, ice, stretching, compression, and SLEEP.
please more sleep!
And still it too often feels like its not enough. I'm not making the progress I want at the pace I think I need.
Southern California is pretty undebatably the toughest region for women.
I don't even have hand stand pushups or muscle ups yet.
My propensity to freak out is great.

But... Seeing so many people compete in the open, so many just giving it a go,

Is beautiful. and simple. and humbling.

It brings back the big picture of why we all do this - because we love it.  because we want to push that much harder to find our new best each day. because we are a community, encouraging one another to grow.

~Ashes~

I love lent. I love the austerity.  I love the simplicity.  The focus.  I love that it lasts 40 days, because you know it takes me nearly that long to "get it".

I love that it lands right along side something that would tempt me to pride and vanity and self depricating insanity, with the fear of "not making it".

Because with these two things together I feel like life balances out...

The daily cross and the hope.

I'm ready!

Next Level Invitational Series... and such



The coolest part of pressing through a 3 part competition series = TShirts!

 This autumn was a big benchmark for me.  It was the first time I set out as an individual competitor.  Translation - I was accountable to myself to deal with my own sh*t :)  The journey of this series has been deeply meaningful to me.  I tend to want to look at stats and scores and outcomes - of course. That's exciting, but it's not the whole point. A person that is only looking at the result misses the true beauty of the apparent victory or failure. It's so sad how much they miss.

So what's the real beauty?  The whole picture.
Nothing great ever happens without opposition.

It's almost Christmas - so I'll use that example. Mary faced great opposition to say Yes to be the Mother of God Incarnate.  She was an unmarried teenager.  Her fiance was ready to dismiss her quietly - though he could have had her stoned.  She risked ridicule, judgement, public shame, and even death to say yes to the glory God wanted to bring through her.  And then there's JC, just trying to be born, and who has room for him in their inn?  Herod was so pissed about him even coming into the world that he slaughtered every male child under the age of 2, just to stomp out the threat to his own glory that was made by this "newborn king".  The family had to flee into Egypt, etc. etc. The life of Christ is filled with opposition, judgement from others, rejection, and wrong expectations.  If he had lived worrying about living up to the expectations of people, he would have never accomplished what he did - but he changed the world forever.

My dear friend Karen shared this with me
It's on my phone wall paper until it's written
on my heart.

There is so much in me that is flustered, that places my worth on things outside myself, instead I need to turn into my heart where the Lord speaks what is true and listen. 

It's not about me and them.  It's not about my coach or my team or my opponents. It's not about whether they will consider me worthy, whether they will be proud or disappointed. It's not about whether I will measure up and be enough, because whose standards are those anyway? and how often do they change? 

I want something eternal.  I want to live up to my own calling in this epic story.  To be the person I was created to be and so fill the unique place in this world that only I can fill. And that's about the journey, the fight, the day in day out determination and fortitude - The humility not to get swept up with any victory of the moment & the humility not to get beat down and discouraged by any disappointment of the moment.  It requires taking a longer view, a more grounded and focused view, pulling all the elements into the balance before casting judgement.  Because beneath it all it comes down to the Who that created me - what I am to Him, what He thinks and says about me.

The other day, I started to feel some judgement, some scrutiny - whether it was in my head or real.  It came at church, of course, from the people you expect to lift you up to whom God made you to be, but all too often tear you down instead, (because that's just what our enemy wants to see).  In that moment, I took a deep breath, looked to heaven, and closed my eyes. Do you know what I heard?  "I've got your back, Kath."

Act justly, love tenderly, repent of wrong doing and wrong thinking, leave it behind, and walk humbly with your God.

He's got your back!

In the overwhelming gratitude of that moment - it made me want to be better, to be holier.  He's got my back.  I don't need to get ugly, I don't need to be defensive.  I want to be patient. I want to be humble. I want to be kind and confident in goodness. I want to be generous in thought and deed - because I have been given so much. That's what it's all about. He's got my back.

So Next level Invitational series - Here's how it played out.



1) Sign up - I chose intermediate over advanced division since... a) I'm stumped on some necessary skillz, and b) I'm a head case at competing and never competed as an individual before.  This was going to be my test of competitor grit.

2) Beginning of August = Qualifiers. I'd been training hard for ages. I got 3rd. AWESOME.

3) For work and fun I took 3 weeks off training... working 20 hr days, eating all sorts of less than optimally nutritious choices and enjoying the best of Italy, i.e. Gelato, Wine, Pasta, Capaccino... you get the idea.



Another treasure from Karen!



4) Sep 10, 2011 = 1st event. I had 3 days in the gym, after my hiadas.  Then a hailstorm threw a wrench in the programming and gave me unexpected wod's that I was definitely not conditioned for. Result = 31st place.

5) I was fired up to regain my conditioning and get back on track -> too much too fast -> Back injury.  I was out for nearly 3 weeks resting  then rehabbing, but came back stronger.

6) Nov 12th = 2nd event.  It was all strongman type events.  I was pumped.  The confidence and joy fueled my performance.  This was the turning point for me.  I had so many mental victories this day.  So much prayer power behind me.  This is where the switch flipped. I experience freedom to rejoice in my own victories and not be ruled by the leaderboard.  As a competitor I realized I have to fight for it. No one is going to show me any mercy out there or do me any favors.  I am worth fighting to do my best.   Result = 11th place

7) I had 10 days of travel in the 28 days between competitions.  This will throw any one off.  But I also started to experience some problems with my shoulder and ankle/foot.  I worked to train smart and carefully.  Testing and gratefully seeing what my body will take, what it can do when I tell it to, and when to respect it's limits.

8)  Dec 10th = 3rd and final event.  I just knew it would be a great day.  The weather would be sunny and nice.  The workouts were varied and a decent broad range of capacity, and there was a chipper.  I love chippers. Despite this hope, I just didn't feel well all day. 
It was super exciting to have new competititors representing our box (as in November too).  I love it!  It's so exciting and inspiring to be fighting for your best beside your buddies fighting for their best.  To share one another's journey, agonies, and triumphs, is one of my absolute FAVORITE things about crossfit.  Result = 7th place

Overall standings for the whole seires - TBA



Whole 30, Day 17

Day 17. It's a good day.

I have a hard time with this program - it's an emotional problem. I want to eat for comfort, for rebellion, for the freedom to stick it to everyone who tells me to be good, and do what I want to do! But that won't get me to the results I want.
Though I've been faithful to the program (minus 2 trips to the scale and 2 encounters with egg protein powder) I'm afraid my heart toward food is not being changed.  I'm not getting the message yet.

Week 1 was good. I was thrilled to be eating well again.  Encouraged by the Success Guide (including a physical handheld variety of mostly new recipes).

Starting Line ... WHOLE 30 time

A year ago I did my first, and really only, Whole 30.
It got me so excited that I started blogging, if this can be really called blogging. But still, shocking!

With a year of perspective, I have some observations:

Testimony to the Power of Prayer

Training to compete for a place at the crossfit games was a roller coaster of  anguish, exhaustion, emotion, stress, consolation, encouragement and triumphs.
I enlisted the prayers of everyone I could for this - I know that when we put ourselves in challenging situations we are almost certain to trigger our brokenness.  At the margins of what is possible our weaknesses and fears are brought right up to center stage.  That's scary, but it's also an opportunity for healing and growth, freedom and new life. (Yes, I take the simplest things in life and turn them into something epic and huge.)

This experience was amazing.  There are so many things that could only have been grace:
1)  An incredible calm came over me during the week prior to the event.
Last Monday I went into the gym to do one of the same workouts that had been giving me trouble. again. I had a little break through in performance, and a switch flipped.  The anxiety, stress and emotion subsided and I began to be able to approach the weekend with a more peaceful detachment and joy.  (GRACE!)

2) Day 1 of the event.  I did not quite hit my goal, but I did very well, better than the team expected.  They were pleased and I chose to be grateful.  I am grateful.  I could not thruster 130# two weeks ago.

3) Day 2.  We got thrashed by our personal judge.  In our trials we finished the workout at 23-24 min.  At the competition we were 10 repetitions short of finishing within the 30min time limit.  We probably had over 200 missed reps... Work that didn't count because of whatever the judge deemed proper range of motion.  It was extreme, but it is what it is.
Of course I felt like it was largely my fault.  I had A LOT of wasted work and time.  We all walked out of the competition area, unable to meet the eyes of our cheering section, looking like we just got demolished.  Our coach was clearly disappointed.  From where I stood it seemed he wouldn't even look at me. 
This is a miracle moment, friends. 
"I am who God says I am" was all I kept repeating in my head.  Part of me was welling up with tears of anguish at being such a disappointment and at the fear of the dissatisfaction of my coach. I let my team down.  But I could not give in.  I knew this was the battle that we were fighting to win. I couldn't place my worth on who is happy or unhappy with me, on how well or shitty I did, or on whether we won or lost.  I am who God says I am.  I am His.  That is what matters.  Instead of crying and giving any credit to those thoughts, I decided to leave the sulking and join our fans, to recount to them our experience, to be encouraged by them, and to cheer on and watch the crazy judging of the next heat of competitors.

After a while my team found me - running up and cheering they hugged me.  The results were in. Even after that bad performance we moved from 13th to 8th place, and qualified for another day of competition. Ha tears to joy.   (The inconsistent judging was an experience across the board.)
The girls on my team said, "We have to find Kathy and stop her before she starts drinking" ;)  I laughed.  It didn't even cross my mind to start celebrating the end nor medicating the loss.

Of course I was pleased that we were still in it, but the real victory was not that. It was the freedom to be kind to myself in my perceived failure, the freedom to show my face and join our fans, and the strength not to crack when someone I esteem was let down (in this case my coach and team).

4) Day 3. We worked hard, we were 5th and 7th, but that was not enough to go onto the next level.  I had more fun with being there.  BUT we did not get the top three, so of course I sensed my coach's disappointment - "we weren't enough"  How much has that plagued my life.  I'm never enough.  And even though it was over and we gave a good showing and my coach did thank me personally for being a part of the team, that we couldn't have come this far without me (that did help. I'm going to work on letting that sink in) - already I was thinking of next year.
on one hand, stoked!  Alright, look at how great we did with only 3 months training. Imagine what we can do with a whole year of working toward this goal!

And on the other hand with that idea also came fear. This year I was one of 3 best girls available. Next year will be a different story.  As the gym grows, so does the talent.  In life, there is always is someone better, and next year I may not be enough.
And that has to be okay.  I'm still working on fighting to be full and free and loved for who I am, who God says I am, not what anyone else cares or thinks of me, or what I can or can not do.

Friends, thank you so much for praying for me and journeying with me in this.  I called on your prayers all weekend.  And I experienced their power -  God's power to make all things new.