Day 17. It's a good day.
I have a hard time with this program - it's an emotional problem. I want to eat for comfort, for rebellion, for the freedom to stick it to everyone who tells me to be good, and do what I want to do! But that won't get me to the results I want.
Though I've been faithful to the program (minus 2 trips to the scale and 2 encounters with egg protein powder) I'm afraid my heart toward food is not being changed. I'm not getting the message yet.
Week 1 was good. I was thrilled to be eating well again. Encouraged by the Success Guide (including a physical handheld variety of mostly new recipes).
Day 10, I stepped on the scale. I hadn't lost an ounce...
I broke the rules (checking the scale) and that may have been when my problems surfaced. There commenced a great debate between my reason and emotions. Reason reminding me that last time, I only lost a pound in 30 days but dropped 4% body fat. Reason reminding me that it's a process, that I have been making poor choices for quite a while and those aren't going to be reversed in a week+. My emotions don't care though - they are the ones protesting the loss of comfort foods, lamenting the extra weight lbs I haven't shaken for the past 6 months, throwing figurative hands in the air feeling as though it's all worthless, pouting like a child at delayed gratification...
Delayed gratification. we'll come back to that.
So I had a lull for the last week, unmotivated, needing to search out and utilize some new recipes, craving bready things, and SWYPO paleofied bread treats, feeling slow and bored. But today is a good day.
I am claiming it. I have a few recipe ideas to try. I have enough protein in the fridge to last me the week.
I ran a 5K over the weekend and did pretty awesome - 2nd in my division and 7th female over all. I had been so worried about my back injury, being out of shape, knowing that I've been eating crap (even though the scale didn't reflect it), BUTnow doing so well was exciting.
I see now that my body is healing. I can train again. My back is healing. I feel strong. I am trimming up again, albeit very slowly with much more to go.
Day 17 has brought encouragement
Concerns with the good food gospel:
1) Recovery. 1st I really miss my protein shakes. 2nd and more importantly I'm not recovering well.
I have a competition in 4 weeks. I need to be able to recover better than this in order to put in the extra training I need.
I will trust for now that this needs more patience. It may not be that progenix really is superior for muscle recovery. It may be that I am out of shape and deconditioned and it's just going to take time... but I will have to have the discipline to experiment with this after the 30. Overall, I know this is the best thing for me right now.
2) Time, energy, boredom. It takes a lot of time and energy for me to search out new recipes and not slip into eating the same way every day, weakening my defenses against poor choices until I cave. I will make time to cook, but searching out options and meal planning is just not something I've fit well into my schedule yet. Paleo cookbooks will be on my Christmas list.
3) Back to delayed gratification. Problem. My mentality is still very much in muscle through/count down mode. "only 13 more days!" I am dreaming of a glass of wine and dark chocolate, I am anticipating the paleo muffins I will make. This is a problem, because I know real foods fuel me better. I know I feel better. Not to mention, I still have almost 2 weeks after the whole 30 to prepare for round two of the Next Level Invitational. Followed one month later by another competition.
I have goals that are helping me stick through this, but that's not enough to CHANGE MY LIFE. I just hope that in the weeks that remain, my heart will be changed toward food and that I will experience greater freedom from cravings. Freedom not to go running to what has been 'off limits' when the 30 days are over, but to seriously weigh the choice and most often make the better one. We'll see....