Her Name is Emmanuelle

I feel as though I aged several years in less than one.

About this time last year we had our 2nd positive pregnancy test.  Magnus would be a big brother! We were ecstatic!

After Thanksgiving I started to feel very uneasy and worried that everything was okay with our little one - and in a few more weeks time we discovered everything was not ok.

She would have been born this past summer, instead we buried her on Christmas Day.

I've tried to write this post before, but it never gets finished.  I don't know what to say, but I know I don't want to say nothing.  As though she never lived. Because she did.  And she is now our family's own little saint in heaven, watching over us and interceding for us I have no doubt.

In a moment of peace and clarity, the day before we laid her to rest I wrote to my prayer group:

I would like to put Emma's birthday on the miracle calendar. 12/23/15.  

It is not a miracle that she died, of course, but it is a miracle that she lived,

and God's merciful love and transformation of my heart is miraculously wonderful. 

At first I was so bitter and cold.  I was unable to really enter into Advent (she had passed even though we didn't know it yet)  I tried to think of what an incredibly special thing it is to be carrying life at Advent and Christmas but I could not.  In my heart I did not feel that.  I felt very fearfully that I was not pregnant anymore.  As I waited for the news in the ER with Robyn last week, I told her,  "I just have to know if baby is alive and well or if I am just a tomb."  

Mary bore eternal life in her womb and mine was dead.  I was a tomb. My mind and heart were bitter and dark up to that moment.

But very soon God's mercy covered me and touched me deeply. 

I was still carrying a baby.  Not a live baby but I would see her through birth and bury her. What a gift to be able to be able to do that work of mercy of burying the dead.  My own dear one. 

How bitter that she was lost, but the suffering and death in our world because of sin IS bitter. This is not heaven, and it was good to feel the contrast, and that we do not live for this life. 

But God is with us. He meets us in the midst of the brokenness and offers us life. 

We named our baby Emmanuelle, "God with us"  

He truly has been with us in a deep and unique way.  He has taken my mourning and turned it to rejoicing that I am able to share in the mystery of this death and resurrection.

that our little one is celebrating Christmas in the arms of Jesus and Mary.  

That she is able to intercede for us so powerfully.  

If you didn't see it, Our pregnancy announcement had Magnus in a batman cape, with the caption "Every hero needs a sidekick"  -  it was so bitter knowing she had died and saying to myself "no sidekick for Magnus".

But God has transformed that for me as well.  She IS his sidekick, and can kick ass for him in Heaven in a way she couldn't have on earth.  I worry for him so much, as all moms do, that he will grow up to accept the faith and grow in holiness.  Now in addition to his guardian angel, he has Emma. 

God has expanded my heart through this in a way that nothing else could do.

That peace and surrender hasn't always remained so strong or tangible, but God does see me through.
How do you "bounce back" from losing a child, no matter how small that child may have been?

I guess you never really do.  You grieve. You mourn.  You continue to be and hope and trust, but you can never be the same.  Nor should you.  You have loved and lost in tremendous way.
Your mom heart has enlarged to a new size of empathy and compassion you never knew possible before...

Dear sweet little St. Emmanuelle,  continue to pray for us that we may one day get to hold you and rejoice alongside you before the face of our Lord.

Becoming Mommy....

About 6 weeks ago, we had the most wonderful news!
Positive pregnancy test, signaling that indeed life was present and growing in my belly.
As always, so many feelings... awe, wonder, immense gratitude, disbelief, a little fear, and a little disappointment at the timing for entirely material and physical reasons, but also so much the deep fulfillment of hope.

We weren't "trying" but we were always open.  We knew OUR ideal plans, but also knew that when God wants a baby God will have a baby, and we rest in the peace of knowing who is really in charge of our lives.

We're growing a family!  On two levels really.  We have just opened a CrossFit gym, which is really a topic for another post, but it's been a labor of love pouring all our resources: time, talent, and treasure, into building something new.  It's beautiful and we are so grateful!

And behind the scenes of all that, I've been growing a tiny human.  Which is also a labor of love in a quiet way (quiet ONLY in the sense that social media has not been informed, but husband hears about daily)... with nausea and outright exhaustion and so much of the rest that goes along with the bliss of the first trimester.

But there's something else. There's something else apart from all those physical things that I've noticed. From the moment I sensed there was a life there, before it was possible to know for sure.  There was something.
Maybe you know this thing???
The down right gripping fear, which fights within me to be given credence, that something may be wrong. That something will go wrong. And it is utterly and completely out of my control.

I knew from the first moments that I have a baby. I rebelled within myself against the idea that I should wait to share this until I was "past the risky 1st trimester" - as if it's not real unless baby makes it that far.  And so we shared with friends and family.  And I talked to baby and welcomed baby and did my best to bond with baby even though I have no guarantee we'll make it through to delivery.

Geez, Kath. Why so serious? Why so negative?  I don't know. I don't mean to be. But I really did fear that we would have trouble conceiving.  Only in the corner of my heart, but I expected it. Because so many I know suffer this waiting and hoping and not realizing. And my hormones ARE sort of weird.
So then there was a hope, and knowledge, a thought that there really was a baby there... not yet even implanted. And I prayed she would stay.  I invited her to stay.  And almost every day I do the same.

And something else. It's an entirely new sort of waiting and hoping and trusting beyond my fears and worrying.  A new sort of daily sacrifice of surrender... that is heart wrenching.  I think it's the stuff of mom making.

I think it's the beginning of my heart being stretched and grown to love in an entirely new capacity.  It's the growing of a new vocation... the one I always dreamed of... wife and mom. pouring out my heart and life in love for my family. and in that, finding my path to holiness.

And so no matter whether this baby grows to live with us, or goes to live with God.  She is real, she is loved.  All will be well.


PS. I do not know that it's a girl. It's probably a boy.  I just hate the He/She, Him/Her qualifiers :)

Our Wedding

It's been 3 months since our wedding and I promised you the story...  here it is! Wow. I am so proud of myself to be this on the ball ;)

          ~It. was. Enchanting.~

Background: We chose something a little unusual for modern times. We chose to get married on a Sunday during an ordinary weekly Mass at our Parish -- the 11am Mass to be exact, where I lector every month, with the people we see and who see us week after week.  I don't know their names,
(well I didn't, but I know A LOT more of them now that I'm the parish celebrity bride)
but I felt they are my people, even without names. They are part of our family - our big, beautiful, messy, faith family, and I am so grateful we were able to have them witness our marriage.

Our pastor offered us to have the wedding on a Sunday. It's free after all when you don't have to rent the building or the servers etc, and sacraments should be free, right? right??
Chris loved the suggestion immediately.

Surprise!

I loved the idea of such simplicity.  I knew getting married was about us and our commitment,  but it felt to me that it was just as much about the Church as a whole. We were all joined at the table of the Lord. Everyone was welcome. All those parishioners, "my people", had no idea when they showed up for Mass that week that they were going to witness a wedding.   SURPRISE!  you're invited!

 Don't mind me, the girl in white, I'll just be taking up most of the aisle, thank you! Welcome!

So, as I was saying,  I loved the idea of simplicity, but there was a part of me that felt simplicity came at the sacrifice of making things "my way" and while I welcomed it on a logical level... the smaller control freak part of me died a little.  Our choice meant we gave up our say in the details of the wedding itself:  the readings, the music, the decoration, the position and participation of the wedding party. I prepared myself for that, and welcomed it, believing that our choices for this day really would lay the ground work for where we will place our values in our life together.

Our Family!!
(less a few for whom it was not possible on such short notice)

I prepared myself that our wedding would be a Mass like every other Sunday, and the only thing different would be that we were in wedding clothes, that we processed in, that our vows would be exchanged there, and that we would walk out as husband and wife...  easy peasy. simple and humble.

You guys... it was NOT a Sunday Mass like any other Sunday Mass.
It was the most beautiful wedding I have ever witnessed.
(Ok I'm partial, but really. partiality aside, my mind is blown.)

We handed over all those little extra details, and Thank God we did because it was perfect!

It overwhelms my heart how much we were blessed.
How Father Wallace prepared the congregation and welcomed them into the celebration, how the bridal coordinator (or someone, i really need to find out who!) laid flowers along the altar,
How joyful both strangers and friends were to witness our marriage,
Not to mention How much our families and friends did for us.  How many came.
We were gifted with generosity and beauty from every side.
Words fail me. They really do.
It's just a surge of emotion: incredible gratitude... and that feeling you get... do you know the feeling?
When you were just given more than you could have ever expected, more than you ever imagined. and you feel sort of overwhelmed. even unworthy of such gratuitous love. and there is nothing to be done, but accept it. maybe shed some tears. and gaze back at the Lord. at the universe. at everyone in your life, with love and gratitude?  that feeling.

hideous?  I have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth. grumpy bride.
 Look how beautiful!

When we decided to move the wedding date forward 4 months,getting the thumbs up from the church was as easy as walking up to our Pastor, making our request, and him checking the calendar on his iphone.  Done!
The change of date made our preferred reception venue unavailable, however.
Quick Plan B - Bring on the parish hall! linoleum floors, tacky chairs, and all.  I'll take it!!

Ironically, Chris had suggested the hall in the beginning of our planning, and I shot him down, declaring it hideous.

~SIL Mallory made our glasses~

My dear husband took this turn of events as an opportunity to gallantly show his love for me.  He worked so hard to make that space beautiful for me.

He blessed me with beauty, understanding how much I longed for our day to be beautiful. Our friends blessed us, uniting to transform ordinary things into wedding day elegance.

The church blessed us - Making the whole thing much more affordable than we could have found, and giving us free reign of the hall for the whole weekend.

My MIL did this!
amazing talent!

Chris's mom blessed us, pouring hours into making favors (with the help my mom and aunts too) AND she made our wedding cake, which was stunning! see? -->

SIL Stephanie made my bouquet
She was the most accommodating
loving artist!

My parents blessed us! Their generosity was incredible - instead of going into debt we were able to pay some off!!
Our families and friends blessed us - everyone came together to help in any and every way - decorating, Arranging flowers, running out to buy more supplies (or non alcoholic drinks after the virgin Margaritas were found to be not virgin after all. Thanks Hammes'!)
And all our guests blessed us - it was truly heart warming to see people come from so far to celebrate with us. My only regret at the end of the day was that I did not have more time to enjoy the day with our guests, to catch up, to express how very much it meant to us that they were there.

St. Margaret's Parish ~ Oceanside, CA

To say we are grateful just doesn't do it justice. From that day forward our lives are forever changed. Thank you for sharing it with us and making it what you did.

(all photos by the talented Jon Robershaw :)

Our Wedding... 15 days away.

As I turned my attention (which is very hard to nail down these days) to write this post... for some reason one of my old posts came up in my browser.
This one.

I would never have thought of it in the context of what I intended to write today.
Nonetheless... it is more fuel behind the beauty of this journey.
I didn't know then, I HOPED, but I didn't know, that by learning to be more me and sloughing off all the pressure of the world to be something else, that I really was walking step by step toward this man.

He found me!  This guy cherishes my fierce beauty. He LOVES my muscles and strength and all that I worked to be ...  authentic. (learning to just BE me.) Shined brightly and perfectly to match him. Chris.

I love him. shhh....

Here we are now, wrapped up in wedding plans, here, there and everywhere.

Does every little girl at some point dream of her wedding?  pick out flowers and dresses and visions from magazines? I did. just a little. when I was very young.  I gave that up about 25 yrs ago, but there is still a little princess somewhere deep in my heart with fantasies about the most perfect day.

And it will be perfect - because we will become one.
We will be surrounded by family and friends and our parish community.
We will receive their support, their prayers, their blessings.
We will celebrate and rejoice.
And then... we will begin a new life.

I think this reality is set deep in my core. what it is all really about.
 And I think that's why I'm floating in peace through all the stress and plans and supposed craziness of this time... I am aware. I am susceptible.  For heaven's sake I am enjoying alcohol and novels, and video games and all sorts of escapes - which, I tell you is PROOF that this peace is not mine, not by my merit.
I am a grasping, overanalyzing, crazy woman.
but you know. That doesn't seem to matter.
nope.
All really is well. 

Am I in a trance? don't think so but it does seem very trancelike when I think about it all flowery as I am prone to do. Floating along toward the altar in a lovesick daze,  not really affected by all the distractions and bumps along the way.  not REALLY. (despite all my humbling moments.)

So what about our wedding plans???
I'll tell you about it I hope. soon. :) Because it's pretty freaking cool.

But for now, I only have time for the overarching theme:

In the end the fantasies and hollywood and fairytales melt away and only we remain.

Just us.

real.

ordinary.

imperfect.

just.

us. 

and Oh! is it beautiful!

 Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

A dose of truth ...

-"same love" from macklemore, etc.

"I can't change, even if I tried. even if I wanted to...."  It struck me. Well, you know, that is true.

This is not an accusation or a judgement on any one, and it's not about being gay. or not. or "human rights." Really it's just about life.
So. I heard this song and it makes me think about life, truth, the meaning of it all...
I like to think about those things even though I don't come to some great cure all answer. ever.

Any way, It struck me. It's true "I CAN'T CHANGE."
Not really truly, deeply, not of my own power.
I can't save myself. But most of the time I do try to do just that.  I try to change how I feel, what I think, what my habits are... and sometimes it works for a little while, but of my own power, it never lasts.

I'm cool with all my messy sh*z though (sometimes anyway, when my pride scoots out of the way)
Because I know who can change me, who can save me from myself and all dangers that draw me. It's only that power, that Spirit in me that allows me to do any good, to experience deliverance and freedom, or to just be ok that I'm messy.  It's OKAY- it doesn't mean that my messy is really actually tidy and right or anything. It just means I'm not alone, and the mess isn't what matters.

Any way... that is tangent city. Returning to the point:

It's just interesting to me that it's the same story since nearly the beginning of humanity I think.  Human nature knows it was created for greatness if only seen as through a cloudy glass.  We know we were made for love. We search for it by many means. I think that's why there is a little truth in every fallacy... because if there wasn't not many would buy the lie it's packaged in, and then where would the devil's triumph be?

One year later... & thoughts on slipping into smitten

Theme music for today's post.

Despite the fact that in this blog I clearly expose all my frantic, messy, train wreck, struggling and striving imperfections to the internet... somehow I still seem to imagine that I hold some sort of perfection and togetherness of appearance. yeah, I know. No clue.

In my adventures in dating, or lack there of, I think it is precisely this divide - between reality and what I want to believe (and have others believe) is the reality - that is the primary culprit in the better named "misadventures" ...

Exactly one year ago, I posed the question to you all of what the heck is my problem and do I even want to change it?  Now seems like a good time to follow up on that point - because I have a pretty good comparison to make, and progress reports are always in order. Are they not?


1) Yes, yes. I'm NOT perfect, but someone has recently entered my life that insists daily on seeing me with my strengths and weaknesses, my daily battles, as something of the most beautiful and amazing nature.   So while I freak out and fight to keep up all my defenses and anxieties that I'm the one holding "it all" together (even though I know this is not true) ... he challenges me to love myself, mess and all.

2)  So he's not Catholic. meh. no one's perfect ;) 
In fact, it might be better this way. We'll see.
Considering my point from last year that Catholics seem so often to disagree on the ways they believe and live their faith and what's optional and what's not... such that you often don't really know what you're going to get even with someone that calls themselves the same religion as you,  it seems so much  more about growing together. 
And here is someone that respects and admires my faith and convictions...
So what I have found, despite denominational differences, is that we're able to share a love of Christ and both daily invite Him into each step of the journey - and that really is the core of it all.
It's so freeing to know the whole thing is in God's hands and we're both leaving it there.

My relationship with God, absolutely, IS the only way I make sense of and come to peace with anything in life, and that relationship is inseparable from the Sacraments through the Church.  I could no sooner abandon my faith than I could stop breathing. And he doesn't ask that of me. He's even been coming to Mass! This openness and acceptance of something that is so important to me is a precious gift, even if he never shares every aspect of it. 

3) It's still true.  All I do is work and crossfit, but lucky me!  Crossfit brought this Captain Awesome Mr. Tough guy, honey snuggle muffin to me ;)  I didn't have to compromise my goals, and force myself to go out looking.  He was up close and personal in the midst of my competition mode and still picked me out as his crossfit crush.  That's so awesome. Even though I'd like to keep a pretty face on, knowing he's seen me in the raw. really raw. beast mode. and still thinks I'm attractive is encouraging.

4) This is the painstaking part.... I have been VERY comfortable in the perfect little order and delicate balance of my life and emotional health, that I've fought to create.  It IS a process of learning to extend my life to include some one and stretch beyond work and crossfit.  BUT this is just about as organic of a transition as I could hope for, with someone that supports me and my lifestyle in every way.  I am SO grateful to have such an incredibly patient, caring, and strong man in my life.

5) Again... have I met one of the most understanding and supportive men on the planet?
Date 3 (or 4 depending who you ask)
Him: "SO, what are your goals, dreams, ambitions?"
Me: "Honestly, I've never been a career driven person... all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mom..."
I don't think we ever got past that point in this particular conversation. 
No talk about how that has changed.
Nothing about how I have adapted my goals in light of a "dream" so long deferred. 
I think at the time I didn't think he was really listening to me. But he was. He just didn't need to hear more than that right then. I guess even though I don't have clear power career woman goals it's clear enough that I'm immensely loyal, committed, and driven in anything I set as valuable to me.   It's enough.  It's a beautiful thing.  He sees that, and that is rad.
About the rest ... well he's had plenty of time for abundant adventures of his own: snowboarding, and rafting, and skating, and traveling... a lot like me in different ways.... trusting that God has the plan and the timing.
His providence has never disappointed.

So... I say let the adventure continue.
one day at a time :)

So Blessed.

Tough and Dusty

Ok, so it is a "Tough Mudder" I'm reporting on.


I did my first Tough Mudder!!
It was tough. And a little muddy. But mostly dusty (seriously, breathing in all sorts of dust and at times not even being able to see 5ft in front of me for the stampede of people through the dirt), AND a Heck a lot of steepness to climb and descend.

one of the many motivational signs along the way...

The course was at Snow Valley near Big Bear, CA. 

It was 10.5 miles-ish. Ranging from 6000-8000ft.

with about 13 obstacles, while in between them

we traversed up and down ski runs, sans snow.

It could have been much worse. Can't it ALWAYS be worse?

But I think was more than satisfied with the toughness of the day.

Will I do another?  Umm... not sure about that yet.

BUT. It is so cool to have been done.

There are some things about this challenge (it's not a race, they say) that are different to me.
1) It lasted forever.
2) It was a team effort, which is part of why it lasted forever.
3) It may have been the biggest, longest challenge in one stretch that I have ever faced.


By forever, I mean 4 hours. 
If I had done this on my own I think it would have taken about 2.5ish.
The super spartan had nothing on this course.  It was a very different experience, though for appearances I would think it should be very similar.
Actually the guys that brought our team together had done a tough mudder in February, at the same location I had done the Super Spartan last year -Vale Lake near Temecula.  I asked them how this one compared to their last.  They responded that in terms of difficulty, "If this is a 10, then February's was a 5".  Well that makes us all pretty bad@ss don't you think?


Secondly, team effort.  I have never really run a race as a team, but again "it wasn't a race, but a challenge." 
Years ago, I was always behind the group in our 5K runs. We all just went at our own pace and regrouped at the end. In the last few years, I've generally been ahead of my comrades.  I've felt a little guilty about this. Like a Jerk really. Guilty about leaving them behind.  But then I never felt guilty or resented my friends when I was the one left behind.  So maybe I need to just lighten up on myself.  We all owe it to ourselves to be our best.  Not to hold back from what we can accomplish for fear of making others feel bad.

(And this is when I get all introspective)

But then where is Christian charity and compassion in that? 
I suppose there is a time and a place, and a competition is not the place?
But then, I feel like I am competing everyday, and in that,
I fear I am becoming self centered.
But I also feel I do owe it to myself, and to others who would be inspired, to TRY to be my best.  After all isn't the glory of God man fully alive?  Isn't holiness being the best version of ourselves - journeying with Him to discover what that is?

Somehow, there must be a marriage of these two callings.  Being free to drive and strive and shine, and being free to serve and humble oneself, sacrificing my own desires for others.
I just don't know how that is to be. yet.

So a team effort this was, at least in the sense that we left no man behind.  We regrouped at every obstacle and water station.  Since of course I felt I needed to prove I could hang with the toughest of the boys and to prove somehow to my coach that this was a worthy challenge, I stayed pretty near the front of the group, and just got more rest while we waited to regroup.  Other than this, the boys helped me over the walls, and we rallied and encouraged each other, and we finished together. 
This was different for me.  It was a little weird too, since I had just met 12 of my 13 teammates that morning. Still it's cool to be a part of a whole. And it must be good for me to lay aside my drive to just go go go on my own - 
To try to be a little more cooperative and play well with others :)

The truth is in all things I need to know I have a crew of support behind me, to lean on, to pray for me, to believe in me, and to catch me when I fall.  And I love being that for others.  But in our own ways, in our own battles, generally we're not side by side but the support is no less real. 
In all this long journey of life, I still don't really know how to be with people and be true to myself at the same time. What's the trick? 

I think I'm learning, and yet, I clearly still have some lies in my head that need to be knocked out.

Final observation: biggest longest challenge yet... hmm... well I've hiked mountains before, for longer distances, and greater heights.  I've also walked 500miles across a whole country before. But all of those seemed to be at a much more casual pace with more reflection along the way, more of a retreat than a challenge, so it's different I suppose.

With every adventure I'm growing more comfortable with being uncomfortable.  More resilient to muscle fatigue. And I have more experience of victory to combat my belief system from youth that says "I'm not an athlete, I don't win anything, I just blend into mediocrity."  I've said this many times and probably will have to repeat it many more, but it's about time I started believing in myself.

All in all, this was another step to challenge my will, and to do it in solidarity with thousands around me.
Pretty cool stuff.
OH, and I came down full blown strep throat within 3 days of this adventure... so Hey, either the germs were already building within as I conquered this challenge, or I picked them up along the way.  ewwww.

Oh so many more thoughts and insights to the experience but these are the biggest musings in the last few days. What adventures are you having these days?

Weekend Adventures - Half Dome

My First trip to Yosemite is accomplished....   

The purpose of our weekend adventure was to hike to the top of Half Dome.
It's gorgeous right?!

This is on Mist Trail, the first big part of our climb.
 It was stunning, a wet and mossy climb along the side of Vernal Fall.
 I felt like we were in the Misty Mountains on a Hobbit adventure. 

Everywhere there is water on the trail to Half Dome there is a reminder about how dangerous it is and please stay out of the water.... Gorgeous though right?! It would be fun to get a little pad and go sledding down this water. 

My Super Friends descending the cables.  So proud of them.
This was THE funnest!!

That reddish dot with limbs is me on the high dive.  You might think I was the champion of the world except the kid in white t-shirt spoiling the effect and bring us back to reality.
I was one of 400 people hanging out on the top of this mountain that day. 

These are my peops. My warriors. My comrades in life and on mountains.
God is so good to us. 

and look a waterfall. They are all over the park. It's amazing and I think everyone should be able to experience this once in their lives.  The grandeur, the magnitude, the stunning beauty of it all is good for the soul.
Just a glimpse of eternity. 

Through Another's Eyes

Sometimes, it's nice to let someone else tell the story from their point of view.  Here's the play by play on my 2012 regional competition as written by the president of my informal fan club - Miss Jackson Reedy~~~~

"I was given the bird, reprimanded in Church, and learned the importance of men in tights …… that’s right folks….. The SoCal Regional 2012 arrived!

Ahhh California….

First of all, to all of the CrossFitting men who choose to wear tights, I would just like to say thank you! Thank you thank you thank you for accentuating all your hard work! I needed some Icy Hot rubbed on my whiplashed neck from rapid the head turning! Also, thank you for bringing to light the fact that I really need more spiritual direction and the sacraments more frequently. But really, is it sinful to admire the male form in tights? A discussion for another blog post I’m afraid! The second thing that I am grateful for is unlimited coconut water…. Due to the fact that I was the official coach of athlete #221, I received a magical pass that gained me all access to the athlete’s tent! The only think I like more than coconut water, is free coconut water, and I was making it my personal mission to drink VitaCoco into bankruptcy.

Workout 1: “Diane” Don’t be fooled Diane is a bitch! 21-15-9 of HSPU’s and Deadlifts (155lbs) Going into the competition, I think this was the one workout that Kathy was hoping not to see… but our Lord has a way of making her stronger, and He did! She performed fantastic; finishing more rep’s then in any of her previous attempts! I also learned a valuable lesson, cheer silently for Kathy while she attempts HSPU’s otherwise….

But what I loved most about this picture is the passion! Look at that ‘bird’! The form is perfect!!! She got her point across, I shut my mouth J

Workout 2: For time: Row 2000 meters, 50 one-legged squats, 30 hang cleans (135lbs) Kathy did awesome! This workout was definitely right in the comfort zone! Her rowing pace was unreal! Those super legs really come in handy in events like this! By the end of the row there were only two women in the hunt, Kathy Carey and Katie Hogan! Honestly it was so unreal watching the two of them fight it out. I was so freaking happy! It was one of the moments that I will never forget. The evil one had been jacking with Kathy telling lies that she was not an elite athlete and BEHOLD, there she was battling with one of the top 5 crossfitters in SoCal, and probably the second most popular woman in the sport! She is elite, she has been for some time, and there she was displaying it for all to witness. It was so amazing to watch Christ’s truth unfold right in front of me in the form of a sweaty, chalked up friend of mine.

Workout 3: The Gut Check! 4 rounds of 10 dumbbell snatches (70 lbs), and sprints. Just to emphasize the magnitude of this… the dumbbell was ½ Kathy’s body weight. She had to repeatedly take it from the ground to full extension overhead in one motion with one hand. Superhero stuff! Workout 3 was defiantly a brutal test that showed a whole lot about her beautiful character. Kathy has the heart of a lion (insert thoughts of Aslan here). When the workout began it was clear that she was struggling with taped up hands and the fear of not being able to lift the weight. I could literally feel the anger and anxiety pouring out of her. It was the most helpless feeling knowing that the only thing I could do was tear up and literally plea with St. Michael to help her lift. Then in a move that takes some serious balls, she completely stopped! She ran over to her coach (the real one, not the one after free coconut water) had him tear that restrictive tape off, she reset, and started ripping that weight overhead! It was so beautiful seeing her drive to finish, and her determination to not let the workout define her. It was such a moment of growth for not only her, but also for those watching. When things are not going your way, when you're getting your @ss handed to you, sometimes the best thing you can do is just calm yourself, strip life down, reset, and start again stronger than when you first began.  Kathy powered through! She may tell you differently, but don’t listen to her she did a great job! Honestly, I would venture to say that was the most defining moment in her CrossFit career. Afterward, it was muscle ache, most of which came from the heart, but Jesus is like the great ice bath, sit in Him for a few minutes and He will make all things new. Her muscles became refreshed and it was onto work out 4.

Workout 4: Lift a lot of heavy crap, squat it, perform a bunch of pull-ups and repeat. If ever in life there was a perfect workout for Kathy, this may have been it….sadly I missed half of it! That’s right! The president of the Calves Carey Fan Club was walking around looking at men in tights while Kathy was competing. How could this happen? There was a mix up in information. Kathy was told she was going to be in heat 2 which started at 4:30…. In reality she was in heat 3 which started at 3:50! This also came as a great surprise to her. She had no time to warm up, no time to think, no time to second guess… only time to run out there and put on one of the greatest athletic performances to date! I was in the restroom ‘giving back’ some coconut water when I heard on the intercom “Kathy Carey is in the lead with 30 pull-ups”… After staring blankly at the stall trying to decipher if I heard that correctly, I ran as fast as I could to witness this for myself. Sure enough, there she was dominating her competition!!! I’m not trying to brag, but I will, she was killing everyone else!!! Killing them!!! I could not even speak, I could only scream at the top of my lungs in joy! All you heard from the announcers were “can anyone catch Kathy?” “Crossfit 760’s Kathy Carey is in the lead” It was bananas! In the course of only a few hours I witnessed Kathy go from heartbreak to triumph, I am just so thankful I was there to witness it. She had the top time through the first 2 heats and ended up finishing 10^th overall! Kathy “Calves” Carey is an elite athlete!

After the “killer calves’ workout, it was only proper that we go to Mass to thank Him for all of His blessings. We joined this cute little community for mass and it was there that Kathy got us in trouble! This was an all Spanish mass and seeing as how the words "margarita", "taco" and "Nuevo Mexico" were not in the liturgy, I was in lala land dreaming up impossible scenarios that were never going to happen. Kathy on the other hand took the initiative to learn the message of the gospel and borrowed my phone for use of the Magnificat. Right about the time I was figuring out an escape route for evading snipers there was a tap on Kathy’s shoulder from an usher telling her to put the phone away immediately! She tried showing him what she was reading, but he could care less! “NO PHONES IN CHURCH!!” Busted! Poor Calves, she got in trouble for reading the gospel in Mass. But, praise God for holy and reverent communities!

Workout 5: Snatch ladder and double-unders. As a fan of the sport and only a spectator, this workout was kind of bland to me. I think looking back it was the waiting that killed me. All of the women filed in one by one to begin this workout. I was so nervous that it felt like 200 people began before the person that I cared to see. In the individual category all of the women pretty much went out at the same marks, which was pretty expected I think. Kathy ended up snatching 105 and finished that workout in 24^th place. The most beautiful part of this workout was an event that happened following its completion. Kathy noticed that they scored her incorrectly; they made a mistake and gave her credit for a lift that she did not complete. Only wanting to do what glorifies God, she went to the scoring table and gave them truth. Kathy’s honesty was the difference between some women making the final cut or packing their things and going home. In a perfect world everyone would do the right thing, but lets just face it, many times that’s not what happens. Never a missed opportunity to lead Crossfitters closer to Christ.  

The 2012 SoCal regionals was an experience that I will never forget. I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I express how happy and proud I am of you, Kathy. I look forward to sharing in the journey to the 2013 SoCal regionals. I have so much confidence in your ability and I know that God has huge blessings in store for you. Thank you for inspiring me to be better, not only in fitness but also in life. However, I do have a word of warning, you inspired me try and beat you so just know that I am coming! I love you!

2012 SoCal Regionals… That’s a wrap!"

To my dear friend, Thank you so much for believing in me! The journey is just beginning, still! but I could not have even embarked upon it with out so many voices of encouragement to fight for me through the times I didn't have faith in myself.

I don't do this for me

even against who I think I am.

Lately I've been struggling to remember why I do this?

Crossfit. Training. Competing.

Life = Sleep. train. eat. work. train. eat. Repeat... (and don't forget to mobilize and recover!!)

Why?  Is it all just vanity?  Dust and Ashes.

When there is a whole world out there that's so much bigger than this. 

With these thoughts my heart and my limbs get very heavy.

Without purpose, why push and drive and fight?

"Because I'm worth it, Because I CAN, Because I deserve to be my best."

Sure.

Empty. Vanity. Blah. Blah. Blah...

That's not enough for me.

And so I take it to prayer.  I pour out my heart to the only one that holds the TRUTH.
Desperately seeking, "Is this for your glory or mine?"

And there is no peace other than this is where I am right now.
This what I have been given to do.  Nothing else makes any sense.
Small and simple as it is, when I push and drive and fight for my best in this path, I am more ALIVE.
more free, more me.
Yes, there is more pain and exhaustion.
But that is far better than numbness. dullness. deadness. going through the motions of life.
Seeking and Not finding.
Restless.

The key to freedom. Every thing is grace.

God is with me here.
I don't need to seek.
I don't need to question.
I just need to do.
Even if I'm the guy with only one talent. Better to risk it all and allow God to multiply it than to bury it.
And if I suck. If I fall.  Well then it was all vanity, wasn't it?

Not at all!
Because I don't do this for me anyway.
I do this for God.
It's his work in me.  SO what then?
The outcome is all on Him. I just need to do the work.

I do this because it is what I've been given to do.
This is my one talent, I won't bury it.

In the meantime I'll try not to hate Bob Harper for getting a 6:58 Diane, when I can't even put two HSPU's together these days.  It's not about him. It's not even about me :)  I need to remember that.

Gratitude - part 2

Have I really only done one Gratitude post?? Ok. Well, I'm fixing that right now.
My life is overflowing with goodness, and it seems like a necessity in my lenten resolution, "Don't be a Jerk" to acknowledge it.  Besides, if I don't get it out I might explode.  Or worse... forget.



to which I must answer, "Heck yes I will!"



1) I did it.  Crossfit Regionals here I come.  I didn't just make top 60 either friends. I finished 24th in SoCal. That's bananas. 



2)  I get daily motivation from my former 4229 roommate - every day through the open she helped me believe in myself and get my head on straight, ready and driving to succeed - Including little gems like this one...

3) My whole crew at Crossfit 760 is the best - even when I have melt downs ending in a DNF and crying on the gym floor.   They love me anyway and still think I'm super.  I'm so grateful I'm surrounded by people waiting for me to succeed.  So many out there are surrounded by peops waiting for them to fall - but maybe that's just because that's what they put out to the world.  No lie, peops,  when you send love and gratitude out into your world, you will find it.  St. John of the Cross knew what he was talking bout.

Yep, showed you this before. Still true.



PS "Princess" is kicking butt finishing grad school right now. Stud!



4) I got flowers!!! Such love.  I don't care if it IS cliche; Nothing says you love me like beautiful fragrant flowers. Thanks, Princess! 

These are the kind of awesome thoughtful people I have in my life.  I am not that person - so it makes it especially humbling and me especially grateful.

5) God KNOWS. He knows, He cares. He's got my back.  Winning or losing or whatever.

There's a bigger plan, and it's a good one.

At the moment, I have a touch of tendonitis or something that flared up quite unkindly 2 weeks ago. I was still able to kick heiny in the final work out, and now I am resting. and resting. and resting it.

While this is not exciting - I am taking a grateful moment and choosing to trust. It IS exciting to know that God sees the bigger picture. He sees how it will all end, and I can choose to relax, go with what is, do what I can, and know all things work together for good. 

Ashes & Aspirations

Today is a big day!

It's Ash Wednesday. Coincidentally, it is also the beginning of the crossfit open.

The Open kicks off the Games Season, and the test of my training.
Ash Wednesday ushers us into Lent, and the 40 day journey to strip away the unnecessary and unhelpful.

It's pretty cool actually that they arrive at the same time.

~Ashes~
Lent means "spring time" literally.  It's a time for new growth, new life, but spring is always preceded by the starkness of winter. 

In the paraphrased words of my Facebook Friend, "Lent comes as an intense penitential time where Christians spiritually follow Christ into the desert and spend 40 days with Him there. We ramp up our prayers, penance and alms to mortify our senses and bring our flesh under subjection to the higher power of the soul, the will. We do these things for love of God and to be reminded that we do not live on meat and veggies alone* but our good God. Everything culminates on Holy week, the week preceding Easter... where Christ suffers His Passion... then Easter Vigil when we await Easter... then Easter!!! The greatest feast day of the church calendar!
I personally always come out of Lent, more disciplined, grateful and realizing how many superfluous things I add to my life."

*because since when have crossfitting Christians eaten bread?

~Aspirations~

Coming into the Crossfit Open, I have a high goal.  Top 60.

Only the top 60 each of men and women will go onto the regional competition. 
Top 60. 
Last year I was 89th. 
But it didn't matter last year, because I got to go as part of a team onto the next level.
But it didn't matter last year, because I had never competed EVER and had no idea where I would fall
...so as absolutely emotionally bananas as I was... I didn't have a reference point.  

This year there are twice as many people participating and at least half are likely to have been training as hard as I have this year.... or harder. That pretty much translates into I have to have improved more than 60% since last year to reach my goal.
Right?
I just crunch numbers. Not so good at knowing if they actually mean what I think they mean :)

~Ashes~
We wear ashes on our foreheads today to remember what happened to the human race with sin...
"Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return"
It's humbling.  This isn't what we were created for, but there's such a beauty and a simplicity in wearing it.
It says,  "I know you are bigger than me, God.  I know on my own I go off all kinds of crazy ways.
Everything in this world will end in ash and dust.
But I know if I trust in You and walk with You through this desert.
I will be with You.
In the end there will be life."

~Aspirations~
I discipline my body daily.  I train diligently.  I eat mindfully.
When I'm not in the gym, I seek chiropractic adjustments, pilates for strength and alignment, massage for release and recovery, mobility, contrast showers, ice, stretching, compression, and SLEEP.
please more sleep!
And still it too often feels like its not enough. I'm not making the progress I want at the pace I think I need.
Southern California is pretty undebatably the toughest region for women.
I don't even have hand stand pushups or muscle ups yet.
My propensity to freak out is great.

But... Seeing so many people compete in the open, so many just giving it a go,

Is beautiful. and simple. and humbling.

It brings back the big picture of why we all do this - because we love it.  because we want to push that much harder to find our new best each day. because we are a community, encouraging one another to grow.

~Ashes~

I love lent. I love the austerity.  I love the simplicity.  The focus.  I love that it lasts 40 days, because you know it takes me nearly that long to "get it".

I love that it lands right along side something that would tempt me to pride and vanity and self depricating insanity, with the fear of "not making it".

Because with these two things together I feel like life balances out...

The daily cross and the hope.

I'm ready!

Gratitude

"If you had nothing today that you didn't thank God for yesterday, what would you have?"
-Fr. Scott Mansfield.

Over the last several months, I've myself feeling especially grateful, sometimes teemingly grateful.
It's such a wonderful place to be - I want to savor it... because it's too easy to forget and get negative and forgetful about the blessings in my life.

What better way than to make a list and publish it?  So later, when I think I am lost and miserable and alone, I can come back here and start making a new list.

Also it may be significant to note that almost all of these things are things I complain and suffer over frequently, but today I choose to see the good.

2011's Top TEN of my life ROCKS -

1)  Sick of hearing about Crossfit yet?  If so you may want to skip ahead a few paragraphs.
So. About Crossfit, There has been nothing else, since the decision to give my heart to Christ, that has had such an incredible and transforming effect on my life - and I am so immensely grateful for it.
Crossfit is my happy place, my thing. It grounds me. It holds me accountable for my actions. It is relentless on pity parties and excuses. It doesn't care what kind of day I'm having, and it always gives me the opportunity for bigger and greater feats than I have done before.  Performance is the standard and measure of all things, not appearances.  I can't lie to myself about who I am in crossfit.  Illusions don't last long. AND I love it.  I thrive there. I skip, I dance, I laugh. But I also grunt and kick things, and cry.  And that's okay.  We all have those days. It's beautiful.

2) And It keeps giving.  It's more than just my own journey. There's a family to it. I loved my crossfit family in New Mexico - we bonded in the gym, we sweat, suffered, and rejoiced together, supporting one another to succeed. Leaving was so sad, and scary.
But moving has been a story of giving God my yes, letting go of something, and then him giving me back so much more.  I love my new crossfit family - on a whole new level.  I have been blessed abundantly in stepping out and opening my heart to my teammates.  I have found beautiful friends and support both within and beyond the box.

3) Then there's My Living Situation - sometimes I complain about my current scenario; I think my life would be better or more complete in some way if I lived in a thriving young professional community.  Pacific Beach, Downtown, Some where with more social life built in, or just blocks from the beach.  But the truth is I get tired and overwhelmed pretty easily and my situation now is peaceful. It's safe. It's far nicer than anything I could afford moving out.  I don't have to worry about roommates that I may or may not get along with, and yet I'm still not alone.  I have a family life almost built in and cute little ones to come keep me company from time to time and play as I cook. It's precious.  So what if I'm pretty much being taken care of with a deal too good to be true. Why is that a bad thing? Does it really make me irresponsible and childish, or is it just an incredible blessing for this time in my life that I should accept!? I'm voting for the latter.

4) My boss -  I have often suffered all sorts of anxiety over his lack of loquaciousness, and my inability to ask for what I need.  However, I have recently begun to see how much my boss really cares about and values me. He really tries, and I see that he goes out of his way to make sure I'm taken care of in anything I need.  He's more like a big brother or a dad than a boss, and an incredibly humble man of integrity. How many people can say that?

5) My Job - completely unconventional.  I have agonized over this one quite often as well.  I think I don't deserve my job, and yet I also think that I'm not a grown up because I don't have a 'real job'.  I think all sorts of things about how terrible it is because I'm not good at it and I get bored. I'm not inspired or motivated on a daily basis.  And while that is true sometimes, my job is something of a sanctuary, and that is not a bad thing to have.  It keeps me closely tied to something that I believe in passionately - pilgrimage.
I am involved in creating opportunities that will change lives as youth encounter Christ in a way they never have.  That's awesome.  I believe in what we do. That is more important perhaps than "feeling passionately" about it everyday.  Feelings change all the time.  My job is tied to my core beliefs, and I am so grateful.  Instead of waiting for the bottom to fall out and creating excuses for why I don't deserve it or  anxiously wondering how I will survive with any other job, today I am happy to relax and just say, 'thank you'

6) I wish everyone had their own fellowship.  You know.  Like Frodo had the fellowship of the rings. I have a fellowship.  I have a possy of girl power like I have never seen before.  We call it FLAG - fight like a girl - and fight we do.  We pray for and fight for one another every day.  We fight the battles for one another that go unseen, but the results are tangible.  I really don't have words for this here.  But they are rising on the list of powerful forces changing my life and freeing my heart to thrive.  Because really, none of us were meant to face life alone.

7) This is my blogging debut of my struggle with bipolar disorder. I've never mentioned it, and really I don't intend to talk about it now, except to share my gratitude for my Emotional Health - medication helps, but all these things in my gratitude list have worked together to foster a great level of emotional health -  I am grateful for the strength and balance to face my triggers and brokenness and find true healing.  Problems aren't really problems when you have the emotional health and fortitude to face them. Priceless.

8) Surprise!  I am so grateful for Being Single.  This time in life has allowed me to do some serious work on myself - and boy have I been working!  If I had a husband or kids right now, I wouldn't have had the freedom of time and finances to take such serious care of myself and really work on addressing the things that trip me up in life and relationships. I might not have the time to invest in crossfit and training and recovery the way I can now or TRAVEL.
 I also LOVE that I get to keep sleeping when I hear the kids playing early in the morning, because they aren't mine!  The last thing about being single right now that thrills me is looking back on the guys in my past and being able to honestly say, "I'm glad that didn't work out; they really aren't what I'm looking for."

9) Family - oh my family. I am so grateful that my parents are still together. I am grateful for that stability and for the testimony to a big part of what love is - transformation through unconditional commitment.  My family wears out the words, "I love you" - we shower one another with encouragement and affection, even though many of us are vastly different and can't agree on anything other than that we love each other.  I am so grateful to be a Carey.

10) And the source of every good thing - FAITH. If everything else were taken away, I still have my Faith.  Nothing makes sense without it.  Without Christ, I don't make sense.  And I am so grateful for this relationship - to be so loved, so priceless, so precious, and to have such a powerful ally - I've only barely scratched the surface of how much He wants to do in and for me.

2011 has seen some great work in my life, and no matter what 2012 holds I know I have been so blessed. And I am grateful.