Friday, April 20, 2012

I don't do this for me

even against who I think I am.
Lately I've been struggling to remember why I do this?
Life = Sleep. train. eat. work. train. eat. Repeat... (and don't forget to mobilize and recover!!)

Why?  Is it all just vanity?  Dust and Ashes.
When there is a whole world out there that's so much bigger than this. 
With these thoughts my heart and my limbs get very heavy.
Without purpose, why push and drive and fight?
"Because I'm worth it, Because I CAN, Because I deserve to be my best."
Empty. Vanity. Blah. Blah. Blah...
That's not enough for me.

And so I take it to prayer.  I pour out my heart to the only one that holds the TRUTH.
Desperately seeking, "Is this for your glory or mine?"

And there is no peace other than this is where I am right now.
This what I have been given to do.  Nothing else makes any sense.
Small and simple as it is, when I push and drive and fight for my best in this path, I am more ALIVE.
more free, more me.
Yes, there is more pain and exhaustion.
But that is far better than numbness. dullness. deadness. going through the motions of life.
Seeking and Not finding.

The key to freedom. Every thing is grace.
God is with me here.
I don't need to seek.
I don't need to question.
I just need to do.
Even if I'm the guy with only one talent. Better to risk it all and allow God to multiply it than to bury it.
And if I suck. If I fall.  Well then it was all vanity, wasn't it?

Not at all!
Because I don't do this for me anyway.
I do this for God.
It's his work in me.  SO what then?
The outcome is all on Him. I just need to do the work.

I do this because it is what I've been given to do.
This is my one talent, I won't bury it.

In the meantime I'll try not to hate Bob Harper for getting a 6:58 Diane, when I can't even put two HSPU's together these days.  It's not about him. It's not even about me :)  I need to remember that.

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