I would never have thought of it in the context of what I intended to write today.
Nonetheless... it is more fuel behind the beauty of this journey.
I didn't know then, I HOPED, but I didn't know, that by learning to be more me and sloughing off all the pressure of the world to be something else, that I really was walking step by step toward this man.
He found me! This guy cherishes my fierce beauty. He LOVES my muscles and strength and all that I worked to be ... authentic. (learning to just BE me.) Shined brightly and perfectly to match him. Chris.
|I love him. shhh....|
Here we are now, wrapped up in wedding plans, here, there and everywhere.
Does every little girl at some point dream of her wedding? pick out flowers and dresses and visions from magazines? I did. just a little. when I was very young. I gave that up about 25 yrs ago, but there is still a little princess somewhere deep in my heart with fantasies about the most perfect day.
And it will be perfect - because we will become one.
We will be surrounded by family and friends and our parish community.
We will receive their support, their prayers, their blessings.
We will celebrate and rejoice.
And then... we will begin a new life.
I think this reality is set deep in my core. what it is all really about.
And I think that's why I'm floating in peace through all the stress and plans and supposed craziness of this time... I am aware. I am susceptible. For heaven's sake I am enjoying alcohol and novels, and video games and all sorts of escapes - which, I tell you is PROOF that this peace is not mine, not by my merit.
I am a grasping, overanalyzing, crazy woman.
but you know. That doesn't seem to matter.
All really is well.
Am I in a trance? don't think so but it does seem very trancelike when I think about it all flowery as I am prone to do. Floating along toward the altar in a lovesick daze, not really affected by all the distractions and bumps along the way. not REALLY. (despite all my humbling moments.)
So what about our wedding plans???
I'll tell you about it I hope. soon. :) Because it's pretty freaking cool.
But for now, I only have time for the overarching theme:
In the end the fantasies and hollywood and fairytales melt away and only we remain.
and Oh! is it beautiful!
Thank you for sharing this journey with me.