Becoming Mommy....

About 6 weeks ago, we had the most wonderful news!
Positive pregnancy test, signaling that indeed life was present and growing in my belly.
As always, so many feelings... awe, wonder, immense gratitude, disbelief, a little fear, and a little disappointment at the timing for entirely material and physical reasons, but also so much the deep fulfillment of hope.

We weren't "trying" but we were always open.  We knew OUR ideal plans, but also knew that when God wants a baby God will have a baby, and we rest in the peace of knowing who is really in charge of our lives.

We're growing a family!  On two levels really.  We have just opened a CrossFit gym, which is really a topic for another post, but it's been a labor of love pouring all our resources: time, talent, and treasure, into building something new.  It's beautiful and we are so grateful!

And behind the scenes of all that, I've been growing a tiny human.  Which is also a labor of love in a quiet way (quiet ONLY in the sense that social media has not been informed, but husband hears about daily)... with nausea and outright exhaustion and so much of the rest that goes along with the bliss of the first trimester.

But there's something else. There's something else apart from all those physical things that I've noticed. From the moment I sensed there was a life there, before it was possible to know for sure.  There was something.
Maybe you know this thing???
The down right gripping fear, which fights within me to be given credence, that something may be wrong. That something will go wrong. And it is utterly and completely out of my control.

I knew from the first moments that I have a baby. I rebelled within myself against the idea that I should wait to share this until I was "past the risky 1st trimester" - as if it's not real unless baby makes it that far.  And so we shared with friends and family.  And I talked to baby and welcomed baby and did my best to bond with baby even though I have no guarantee we'll make it through to delivery.

Geez, Kath. Why so serious? Why so negative?  I don't know. I don't mean to be. But I really did fear that we would have trouble conceiving.  Only in the corner of my heart, but I expected it. Because so many I know suffer this waiting and hoping and not realizing. And my hormones ARE sort of weird.
So then there was a hope, and knowledge, a thought that there really was a baby there... not yet even implanted. And I prayed she would stay.  I invited her to stay.  And almost every day I do the same.

And something else. It's an entirely new sort of waiting and hoping and trusting beyond my fears and worrying.  A new sort of daily sacrifice of surrender... that is heart wrenching.  I think it's the stuff of mom making.

I think it's the beginning of my heart being stretched and grown to love in an entirely new capacity.  It's the growing of a new vocation... the one I always dreamed of... wife and mom. pouring out my heart and life in love for my family. and in that, finding my path to holiness.

And so no matter whether this baby grows to live with us, or goes to live with God.  She is real, she is loved.  All will be well.


PS. I do not know that it's a girl. It's probably a boy.  I just hate the He/She, Him/Her qualifiers :)

Our Wedding

It's been 3 months since our wedding and I promised you the story...  here it is! Wow. I am so proud of myself to be this on the ball ;)

          ~It. was. Enchanting.~

Background: We chose something a little unusual for modern times. We chose to get married on a Sunday during an ordinary weekly Mass at our Parish -- the 11am Mass to be exact, where I lector every month, with the people we see and who see us week after week.  I don't know their names,
(well I didn't, but I know A LOT more of them now that I'm the parish celebrity bride)
but I felt they are my people, even without names. They are part of our family - our big, beautiful, messy, faith family, and I am so grateful we were able to have them witness our marriage.

Our pastor offered us to have the wedding on a Sunday. It's free after all when you don't have to rent the building or the servers etc, and sacraments should be free, right? right??
Chris loved the suggestion immediately.

Surprise!

I loved the idea of such simplicity.  I knew getting married was about us and our commitment,  but it felt to me that it was just as much about the Church as a whole. We were all joined at the table of the Lord. Everyone was welcome. All those parishioners, "my people", had no idea when they showed up for Mass that week that they were going to witness a wedding.   SURPRISE!  you're invited!

 Don't mind me, the girl in white, I'll just be taking up most of the aisle, thank you! Welcome!

So, as I was saying,  I loved the idea of simplicity, but there was a part of me that felt simplicity came at the sacrifice of making things "my way" and while I welcomed it on a logical level... the smaller control freak part of me died a little.  Our choice meant we gave up our say in the details of the wedding itself:  the readings, the music, the decoration, the position and participation of the wedding party. I prepared myself for that, and welcomed it, believing that our choices for this day really would lay the ground work for where we will place our values in our life together.

Our Family!!
(less a few for whom it was not possible on such short notice)

I prepared myself that our wedding would be a Mass like every other Sunday, and the only thing different would be that we were in wedding clothes, that we processed in, that our vows would be exchanged there, and that we would walk out as husband and wife...  easy peasy. simple and humble.

You guys... it was NOT a Sunday Mass like any other Sunday Mass.
It was the most beautiful wedding I have ever witnessed.
(Ok I'm partial, but really. partiality aside, my mind is blown.)

We handed over all those little extra details, and Thank God we did because it was perfect!

It overwhelms my heart how much we were blessed.
How Father Wallace prepared the congregation and welcomed them into the celebration, how the bridal coordinator (or someone, i really need to find out who!) laid flowers along the altar,
How joyful both strangers and friends were to witness our marriage,
Not to mention How much our families and friends did for us.  How many came.
We were gifted with generosity and beauty from every side.
Words fail me. They really do.
It's just a surge of emotion: incredible gratitude... and that feeling you get... do you know the feeling?
When you were just given more than you could have ever expected, more than you ever imagined. and you feel sort of overwhelmed. even unworthy of such gratuitous love. and there is nothing to be done, but accept it. maybe shed some tears. and gaze back at the Lord. at the universe. at everyone in your life, with love and gratitude?  that feeling.

hideous?  I have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth. grumpy bride.
 Look how beautiful!

When we decided to move the wedding date forward 4 months,getting the thumbs up from the church was as easy as walking up to our Pastor, making our request, and him checking the calendar on his iphone.  Done!
The change of date made our preferred reception venue unavailable, however.
Quick Plan B - Bring on the parish hall! linoleum floors, tacky chairs, and all.  I'll take it!!

Ironically, Chris had suggested the hall in the beginning of our planning, and I shot him down, declaring it hideous.

~SIL Mallory made our glasses~

My dear husband took this turn of events as an opportunity to gallantly show his love for me.  He worked so hard to make that space beautiful for me.

He blessed me with beauty, understanding how much I longed for our day to be beautiful. Our friends blessed us, uniting to transform ordinary things into wedding day elegance.

The church blessed us - Making the whole thing much more affordable than we could have found, and giving us free reign of the hall for the whole weekend.

My MIL did this!
amazing talent!

Chris's mom blessed us, pouring hours into making favors (with the help my mom and aunts too) AND she made our wedding cake, which was stunning! see? -->

SIL Stephanie made my bouquet
She was the most accommodating
loving artist!

My parents blessed us! Their generosity was incredible - instead of going into debt we were able to pay some off!!
Our families and friends blessed us - everyone came together to help in any and every way - decorating, Arranging flowers, running out to buy more supplies (or non alcoholic drinks after the virgin Margaritas were found to be not virgin after all. Thanks Hammes'!)
And all our guests blessed us - it was truly heart warming to see people come from so far to celebrate with us. My only regret at the end of the day was that I did not have more time to enjoy the day with our guests, to catch up, to express how very much it meant to us that they were there.

St. Margaret's Parish ~ Oceanside, CA

To say we are grateful just doesn't do it justice. From that day forward our lives are forever changed. Thank you for sharing it with us and making it what you did.

(all photos by the talented Jon Robershaw :)

Our Wedding... 15 days away.

As I turned my attention (which is very hard to nail down these days) to write this post... for some reason one of my old posts came up in my browser.
This one.

I would never have thought of it in the context of what I intended to write today.
Nonetheless... it is more fuel behind the beauty of this journey.
I didn't know then, I HOPED, but I didn't know, that by learning to be more me and sloughing off all the pressure of the world to be something else, that I really was walking step by step toward this man.

He found me!  This guy cherishes my fierce beauty. He LOVES my muscles and strength and all that I worked to be ...  authentic. (learning to just BE me.) Shined brightly and perfectly to match him. Chris.

I love him. shhh....

Here we are now, wrapped up in wedding plans, here, there and everywhere.

Does every little girl at some point dream of her wedding?  pick out flowers and dresses and visions from magazines? I did. just a little. when I was very young.  I gave that up about 25 yrs ago, but there is still a little princess somewhere deep in my heart with fantasies about the most perfect day.

And it will be perfect - because we will become one.
We will be surrounded by family and friends and our parish community.
We will receive their support, their prayers, their blessings.
We will celebrate and rejoice.
And then... we will begin a new life.

I think this reality is set deep in my core. what it is all really about.
 And I think that's why I'm floating in peace through all the stress and plans and supposed craziness of this time... I am aware. I am susceptible.  For heaven's sake I am enjoying alcohol and novels, and video games and all sorts of escapes - which, I tell you is PROOF that this peace is not mine, not by my merit.
I am a grasping, overanalyzing, crazy woman.
but you know. That doesn't seem to matter.
nope.
All really is well. 

Am I in a trance? don't think so but it does seem very trancelike when I think about it all flowery as I am prone to do. Floating along toward the altar in a lovesick daze,  not really affected by all the distractions and bumps along the way.  not REALLY. (despite all my humbling moments.)

So what about our wedding plans???
I'll tell you about it I hope. soon. :) Because it's pretty freaking cool.

But for now, I only have time for the overarching theme:

In the end the fantasies and hollywood and fairytales melt away and only we remain.

Just us.

real.

ordinary.

imperfect.

just.

us. 

and Oh! is it beautiful!

 Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

What happened to 13.3, 4,& 5??

I'm late on this one, by a few weeks, and I figured I should get it out sometime before regionals ;)

Perhaps, it's helpful to look back. I just reread this post I wrote a few months ago.  It was good to be reminded of this. I was right for almost all my predictions.

Except, It was the THIRD not the second week of the open before I got my mojo back after all the disruption of mid December to mid February.
Unfortunately, or maybe providentially, I didn't remember the calm, prophetic view I had just 6 weeks prior. My meltdown in 13.2 changed it all for me.

A few thoughts in summary:

1) It's all mental.

2) Knowing you need to change your life doesn't make it easy.

3) In the end we are always better than we were before. And if we're not better, then it's not the end. But "better" isn't defined by a score board.

4) Sometimes we have more good in our lives than we can hold at a time, and in order to embrace new gifts we have to put something down, but that doesn't mean it's gone forever.

Crossfit Open 13.2 - the turning point

The Greatness of man's power is the measure of his surrender. -William Booth

Oh what an adventure this season is turning out to be.
Be warned - 
this post is ~3% about crossfit and 97% about love and life!  
Just wanted to let you know, so you can stop here if you've been misled :)

This is Mary & I. Those are flowers
she brought me when she came to support me
during 13.2.
She's amazing.
Love frees us to do what we are being called to do.
I am so grateful. 

13.2 arrived last Wednesday:
10min of 5 Shoulder to Overhead, 10 Deadlifts, and 15 Box Jumps, oh my!
Hello posterior chain explosion.

It also marked the arrival of the (for real) realization that it's not important to me to go to regionals this year. I won't go through the details of the 2.5 attempts I took at it ... Yes even after I said I wanted to be "one and done" ...  cut me some slack I was working through some stuff.
AND guess what?! I found my answers.

Ready for it?
Competing this year is not my priority...
No, taking a 1000 pilgrims to World Youth Day in Brazil is my priority. oh. and. Getting MARRIED is my priority too. Actually that's the first order of business.

I have had and have crossfit dreams... but the time is NOW for my original dream and heart's desire.
It was not something I could go out and achieve. It's a gift God had to deliver to me in His time, and hello Calves with your head in the clouds, that time is now, Darlin'!  yes i just spoke to myself, and yes I'm really southern. My dream and desire is being given to me now.  And I've been missing it.
Oh Hello, Mr. Sheets, there you are!

So I decided ... somewhere between Wednesday and Sunday, that there is no reason to delay when God is calling.  Chris has been ready for this... and now I am.

As soon as I declared and accepted that I do not have the time and dedication necessary to pursue being competitive at crossfit this year, that it is not my priority to put in the time and energy for the gauntlet, THEN clarity came. What are we waiting for?

The pieces of life are never going to fall perfectly into place. It's never going to be all figured out financially and where you'll live or how long you'll be doing the things you do now.  It's enough to know that we want to be on this journey together, that we want to be one.
It's enough.
We choose that. We move on that.

And Look what I finally learned to do.
With my dear husband to be.
New tricks - new hope for the future ;)

We know that God will place each piece into place along the way as we go.

I love it when I get to see what God is up to.  It's pretty neat.
I love it when I finally let go and see how he wants to place the pieces... and I see. "hmm.. that's not what I thought, but hey! That's gooooood!" 

So between 13.2 and 13.3... my wedding date has moved forward 4 months. YAY!!
the countdown is on 69 Days!!!

Now I get to be a princess. Now I get to be a girly girl and plan and dream and think about my wedding day - That thing that I didn't allow myself to even consider all those years that my dream was deferred. Now I get to live it.  Sometimes, I guess you just have to make a seemingly difficult decision... and then you find it only seems so hard and confusing and scary until you do it.

So YAY! and YIKES!!
I'll take all the help and tips and support and advice you guys can throw at me.
I am abundantly blessed!

Dark Night of the Crossfit Soul

Let's be honest.

... I feel like I have to say it out loud. I have to declare it to claim it, so I'm writing it. 

I have been so twisted up in my head and my heart over crossfit for the last six months. I've been so confused and probably over trained. 

That won't do - I need a clear goal. To continue through the open I need to know what my purpose is. I need to name what victory is to me. 

I thought it was finishing in the top 48...actually I'm not even sure that was honest, because I wanted to place top 15 at regionals so even if I make top 48 I'm sure I'd find a problem with it. But that's not my purpose anymore. 

So what is it?  

What is victory to me right now?

Finishing.  Just finishing. 

It's a reassessment of my goals.

I'm not copping out, or giving up. But I am gaining clarity and focus. 

I just need to get through this season as far as it takes me. 

I just need to show up at the box day in day out, disciplined as I have been. 

I need to do the open workouts like any other workout. 

Hitting it hard as I always do.  I need to give it my best effort and then just keep going. 

Just keep going. 

Winning right now is showing up, giving my best, and letting the chips fall where they will. 

No agonizing over what score I need. No leader boarding. 

No anxiety and scrutinizing myself. 

No doing it over and over. 

My goal is to finish what I started. 

That I keep showing up is all that matters right now. 

Sometimes victory is just doing what you need to do, even when you don't feel like it. When your heart isn't in it. 

Being competitive at crossfit was my dream.  Last year was great. 

I have a new dream right now. 

And I want to soak that up and walk in the light of its beauty. 

I just need my love story right now. 

Another time, another season I may change my mind. 

but now. 

It is what it is. 

13.1 Crossfit Open

Just for the record... here's what I have so far about the crossfit open 2013.
It's a very different experience this year:

1) Balance. Breathe. One thing at a time.
I began my approach to this Open with less desperation than last year.

• That's good - it's more balanced. 
• That's bad - it's lacking the firey motivation to do EVERY THING necessary to achieve my potential. 

2) 13.1 was a serious mental and conditioning challenge.
I thought the snatches would have taken more focus and that the burpees were a filler. But I found the burpees needed some due respect to force myself to go faster than I wanted... and the snatches I should have gone faster than I wanted also... I was not going to fail on the 75# and there was very small chance of failing on the 100#... but I didn't know that, until I felt it.

3) What I did well - I made a really awesome, thoughtful plan.  I didn't get upset when I changed the plan mid workout.  I smiled and stayed calm through about 95% of it.  Cue: www.menalitywod.com. Seriously if you don't follow her on twitter or facebook get on it! Great advice for competing and life.

4) What I could improve - dig deeper!! trust myself that even if it feels like I will not finish if I push harder, I will finish.  I will not die.  I can do more than I think.  Also, I didn't want to. I just didn't want to go faster, dig deeper, push harder ... I wanted to pace it. and I paced myself down to a score I know wasn't representative of what I CAN do.

5)  Lessons

• You can't get it back. Make it count. 
• Don't sell yourself short at any point, aiming for something less than you know you are capable of doing. I aimed big but then when it hurt I set my sights lower than I should have.
• Restructure training to allow myself to be fresh, recovered, and ready for the open wod's with enough time to repeat if needed. 

6) New approach, Do what's necessary.  There are a lot of other important demands on my attention right now. and at least two other things that I need to give my best to - work and Chris.

I didn't want to do this one twice.  I didn't want to even consider it. I wanted to take this season as a test of my training more than my heart for the sport, because my heart is in other places.

But I NEED my heart. I need my passion.

No, this sport isn't my entire life, and I would much rather enjoy my weekend with my dear husband to be, investing in one another, than having the anticipation of the competition still looming over my head.

BUT this is only a SEASON.  It's a season I've worked all year toward.
And I wish I would have taken the effort to make 13.1 a stronger start.

I owe it to myself to make it a bigger priority, so I come out of it without any regret.
Even though I don't necessarily FEEL like it.

This is where Chris's support is invaluable.
Even though I would rather save more energy for him and for us than pour it all out on the Open,
it's something he is happy to sacrifice for this time to help me reach a goal I set.
My goals are important to him.
This is a new concept to me.

I've always treated life as though I had to be a loner to get what I need - I could tell other people, and ask for prayer, but in the midst of it, in action, I had to withdraw and do it on my own.
Now I am learning to trust that someone else is on my side and will stay by my side even if it means I have very little to give back for a while.

This is revolutionary. See why I can't help but love him so much :)

Shifting Gears

Today's musical inspiration

Contrary to the fact that she is singing about a relationship fallout... and I am walking in the most exciting relationship of my life on the threshold of forever...  you know. besides that. this is the song resonating with me.

"White knuckles and sweaty palms, from hanging on too tight.  

Clenched jaw, I've got another headache again tonight."

As per my last post. Life is changing. It's awesome. But welcoming the new means letting go of some of the old. Shifting. surrendering. Reassessing. ummm. I think that's called Growing. 

And this is hard. Why?  It means trusting that everything will still be okay if I adjust my course.  The truth generally is that it turns out BETTER than okay. Better than it was. 

But it's different, and for some reason (scar tissue maybe?) different is stressful and scary and takes a little extra TLC to walk through. 

True Story Tangent:  when I moved from New Mexico to California two and a half years ago, 

EVEN though I was coming back to something familiar, that I had loved, 

I was so anxious that I started jiu jitsu on top of crossfit, 

AND sold my (4 yr old, paid in full) car and bought a new financed one.  

Why? why do things that add stress to escape stress? 

It's the distraction factor no doubt.  

I cover my fear about the unknown future with lots of activity

 for the present that doesn't let me think about it. 

So Here today. I am possibly ever such a little bit stressed out. Don't worry. I'm coping. but my default mode is "It all depends on me" - and I relapse sometimes.

Fortunately I am marrying the most loving, supportive, helpful man on the planet.
and that makes it better.

I have been pushing SO hard, for so long in my training, that it's now hard for me to shift.
Now is the time to take a different perspective.
Train less volume but higher intensity. Take more time to recover, mobilize, dial in my nutrition, and get my head straight... .
It is the time for that - we are leading in to competition season.
relaxed mental focus is the most powerful driving force. 

Fortunately this is all coming together at the same time.
Lent is just around the corner and that is my ultimate reset button.
Just common sense wise my training needs to chill for this season.
Which is convenient because I don't have the time or flexibility with work to train twice a day any more.
AND I have a wedding to give just ever so little attention to... one piece at a time.
and that's fun :)

Meanwhile I'll give you the highlights of my last month which have forced me to come to this enlightened (ha) place:
Holiday travel.... OC Beatdown umm.er. I mean throwdown (more to follow on that)...
immediately leading into a week long sickness.
with a few days to spare before I flew to Brazil for a week... yay!
only to contract a latin american micro-beast in my innards. leading to another week of sickness.
Now I am 9 pounds lighter and heading to my future in laws in oregon for a long weekend.

I predict that
1) workouts in the next several days will be a victory despite the empirical outcome, simply because I'm DOING it. 

2) I will enjoy my mini vacation. 

3) I will be back to normal weight and routine by February 15th, 

AND
4) By the second week of the open my performance and strength will be back on track! and I will feel as great as ever. 

Yes. There it is:  new and simple and beautiful goals.

I will leave you with a visual snack of my time in Rio de Janeiro last week :)

Reorganizing Priorities

2012 was a life changing year.... and I've failed to document half of it.

Sorry gang. And really that's not much happening in this post either.
This space seems to be more about reflections, and I have some that are close to my heart right now.

Two things: Crossfit & Chris.

Crossfit has nearly consumed my blogging efforts from the beginning... then came Chris.
Who, apart from one or three references, has been absent from text as I let our journey unfold quietly.

But it's private no more :) we're engaged!
Whirlwind of a year, right?!
There I was plugging away at all my crossfit ambitions and God dropped this person right into the middle of it. Literally - We met at regionals after he judged me on event 4.  We had our first "date" at the crossfit games. And the last 6 months have been learning to let this love grow in the midst of all "my plans".

Funny. In search of a little reminder and motivation for the crossfit side of life I dug this up From the archives.
I needed to remember why I do this. I needed to reset my head in how I'm defining victory and success.
But I didn't find what I was looking for - I found why I was meant to do this last year.
Is it possible all of that was to bring me to the place where I was ready to meet the man I'm going to marry?
If I hadn't been competing that weekend, divine intervention aside, we would not have met.

There's some pretty mind blowing - stars aligning - details to our story. The way all the pieces were set, at the time they were set, that make it work just right that we would work.  If it had been at another time or place in either of our lives we would not have been a match. I'm pretty sure of that. Because you know, life affects us. Changes and molds us.  All those experiences made us who we are today - what we needed to be ready to embark on a life together from here on out, til death do us part.

Here's the thing. And this is where the "SHOULDS" have got me in frequent distress.
But in this time that should be SO EXCITING I find myself most often overwhelmed. and then it overwhelms me that I'm overwhelmed. because really I have pretty much nothing but goodness in my life.
You'd think I have no faith at all.

In all the stressors the biggest culprit is crossfit. Not crossfit for fitness sake. Crossfit in what I have made it - Crossfit in what it has become in my life. I have put so much empahasis on my goals there.
So much time, energy, blood, sweat, tears, so much of my purpose. It's become my purpose.
And that's just so wrong.  Is it time to set about smashing idols in my life?


I've questioned so many times in the past if I was putting too much value on it. And I never discerned that I was. There just was no other answer.
Now there is another answer.
It has to come second (actually 3rd....I've been leaving my job stress out of this equation... but paying the bills is important, and my work is very important).  And I just don't think having it as 3rd place in my life is going to be enough to earn me top 10 in So Cal this year.

If I could have lunch with any crossfit competitor and pick their brains it would be Val Vobril or Lindsey Smith - both working mamas and seriously amazing athletes. I want to know how they do it?
I want to know where their heart is as regards winning and losing and how they define it?  I want to know what competing means to them.  Somehow I think that almost every person at the Games has a story about how they balance life.

This whole concept of competing is relatively new to me. Until this endeavor I've never set my sight 'to win'.  Am I operating under some false notion of what it takes?  Is it time to redefine my goals?
I think so.   Of one thing I'm certain, the way I'm approaching my life right now, is not the person I want to be.  Changes are coming.
You'll see.

The Eye of a Hurricane

I'm here. Just here.

Life is happening  - all spinning and swirling around me, moving too fast to really make it all out.  And I stand in the middle - like standing in the eye of a hurricane.

Growing up on the Gulf Coast, we had a lot of hurricanes.
I know that as an adult, especially if you've only seen them on the news, hurricanes are associated with devastation and havoc, and even ruin and despair.  But that's not my experiential knowledge of hurricanes.
To me, as a kid, Hurricanes meant:

source

Maybe we'll tape our windows?
NO SCHOOL!
Maybe we'll go on a road trip?! aka evacuate...
Sometimes it flooded, and that meant we could go 'swimming' in the street.  That was fun.
If the lightening wasn't too close we could stay in the pool while it was pouring rain pretending we were out conquering the raging sea. That was fun too.
Sometimes it meant a party.
Sometimes we lost power and life got pretty stinking boring for a kid, just waiting around.

One of those times, I remember the storm passing and being told that it would come back.  We were in the eye.  I used the opportunity to escape the house and go to the park - It was deserted and wet, messy with leaves and small branches.
The air was refreshing and it was a nice escape, but the sky was gray.
It was peaceful and beautiful in a way, but knowing it was passing and leaving us with an unknown was...strange.
I don't know what it was I felt in that moment... but now feels the same.

I was probably 16 at that time, and maybe that's part of it... starting to see things and understand things differently than I had 'as a kid'.

Life now is peaceful... but it feels strange.  Maybe because I know there is A LOT going on.
Crossfit, Work, Chris. (It's official, I'm giving him a name ;)

I feel like life is spinning in motion around me, and I am very aware that is enormously bigger than me.
The picture is so much bigger than my life or how I feel about it.
God is moving, and that is GOOD!
But what on earth is He doing and how will the picture change?

Crossfit. I don't know what is happening there. I just don't know.
Pretty shortly after I began blogging I began my adventure in competing.
I overcame so many obstacles this year and achieved a goal that was beyond what I hoped possible.

There it is, friends.  The magic moment.
A girl and her judge... umm.
I mean a princess and her prince ;)

And in doing so I met my match - not looking for him, not expecting, actually not even really seeing him.
But that didn't matter.  He saw me, and laid out his strategic plan to win my heart. ;)

While he was plotting his conquest, I was dreaming crossfit dreams. Setting even higher and bolder goals.
I began training heavier and heavier and higher volumes.  I got to keep on training like I had been for regionals.  I actually really love training. It was fun and exciting, and admittedly exhausting.  But lately has been more duty, and stress, and fear of failure than fun and exciting.  Oh yes, and the exhausting part remains.
And I question, "Do I really want to do this?"

I have asked that question at least 20 times over the last two years, and I always come out with a yes... but right now... I honestly don't know.  I don't know what part this is meant to play in my life. That's a strange place to be.

Work is becoming increasingly demanding, as it does for 9 months out of every 2 to 3 yrs.  (I can not complain. at all!) I am going to be traveling much more.  In fact I have at least 5 trips I'll be making in the next 10 weeks.  Ok fine. only 2 of the 5 are work related and the rest are holidays. But still that's a lot of movement.  A lot of interrupted routine. A lot of sleeping and eating that are not in my own home.  It's not bad.  In fact, it's some very good things, and I want to be able to ENJOY it, but it does mean that I need to lighten up a bit. I need to loosen my grip on my way of being and having uninterrupted control over my life (ha!), and realize that my best right now is not the same as my best other times. It's just different. (Thanks Holly for your post on this topic leading into the holidays :)  And ultimately it means there are going to be stretches of time that are "out of my control" - meaning I won't be doing what I please. I will be doing what needs to be done and eating what is served.   I have an incredible opportunity to enjoy this.  But will I let myself?  It's strange.

"All I ever wanted" was to meet Mr. Right, become Mrs. Right, and make lots of little right babies. Isn't that so super cute??!  Well that did not happen on my timetable, so I went and got another dream in the meantime - I filled my heart with crossfit.
AND I LOVE IT.  I do. most of the time. I will always crossfit, but how do I meld my two dreams?  I don't know what it will look like. Or do I trade one dream for another? I don't know. But I know no one can tell me the answer. I know it means walking one step at a time and letting it take shape. I know I can't cookie cut it... and that's strange.

Life is changing, and that's a good thing. It's out of my control, and that's a good thing too. It just feels... strange ;)  I'm praying for the grace to continue to surf the waves around me and feel myself content and at peace with being on the edge of the unknown and not rushing to uncover it all.  Oh it's nice to write... but for now I'll end with a prayer and advice from Pierre Teilhard de Chardin ~

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.  We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay. We like to skip the intermediate stages . We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.  Yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability, and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you. Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.

Let them shape themselves with undue haste. Do not try to force them on.  As though you could be today what time - that is to say grace - and circumstances, acting on your own good will will make you tomorrow.  Only God can say what this new Spirit forming in you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing that His hand is leading you.  And accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete. "

One year later... & thoughts on slipping into smitten

Theme music for today's post.

Despite the fact that in this blog I clearly expose all my frantic, messy, train wreck, struggling and striving imperfections to the internet... somehow I still seem to imagine that I hold some sort of perfection and togetherness of appearance. yeah, I know. No clue.

In my adventures in dating, or lack there of, I think it is precisely this divide - between reality and what I want to believe (and have others believe) is the reality - that is the primary culprit in the better named "misadventures" ...

Exactly one year ago, I posed the question to you all of what the heck is my problem and do I even want to change it?  Now seems like a good time to follow up on that point - because I have a pretty good comparison to make, and progress reports are always in order. Are they not?


1) Yes, yes. I'm NOT perfect, but someone has recently entered my life that insists daily on seeing me with my strengths and weaknesses, my daily battles, as something of the most beautiful and amazing nature.   So while I freak out and fight to keep up all my defenses and anxieties that I'm the one holding "it all" together (even though I know this is not true) ... he challenges me to love myself, mess and all.

2)  So he's not Catholic. meh. no one's perfect ;) 
In fact, it might be better this way. We'll see.
Considering my point from last year that Catholics seem so often to disagree on the ways they believe and live their faith and what's optional and what's not... such that you often don't really know what you're going to get even with someone that calls themselves the same religion as you,  it seems so much  more about growing together. 
And here is someone that respects and admires my faith and convictions...
So what I have found, despite denominational differences, is that we're able to share a love of Christ and both daily invite Him into each step of the journey - and that really is the core of it all.
It's so freeing to know the whole thing is in God's hands and we're both leaving it there.

My relationship with God, absolutely, IS the only way I make sense of and come to peace with anything in life, and that relationship is inseparable from the Sacraments through the Church.  I could no sooner abandon my faith than I could stop breathing. And he doesn't ask that of me. He's even been coming to Mass! This openness and acceptance of something that is so important to me is a precious gift, even if he never shares every aspect of it. 

3) It's still true.  All I do is work and crossfit, but lucky me!  Crossfit brought this Captain Awesome Mr. Tough guy, honey snuggle muffin to me ;)  I didn't have to compromise my goals, and force myself to go out looking.  He was up close and personal in the midst of my competition mode and still picked me out as his crossfit crush.  That's so awesome. Even though I'd like to keep a pretty face on, knowing he's seen me in the raw. really raw. beast mode. and still thinks I'm attractive is encouraging.

4) This is the painstaking part.... I have been VERY comfortable in the perfect little order and delicate balance of my life and emotional health, that I've fought to create.  It IS a process of learning to extend my life to include some one and stretch beyond work and crossfit.  BUT this is just about as organic of a transition as I could hope for, with someone that supports me and my lifestyle in every way.  I am SO grateful to have such an incredibly patient, caring, and strong man in my life.

5) Again... have I met one of the most understanding and supportive men on the planet?
Date 3 (or 4 depending who you ask)
Him: "SO, what are your goals, dreams, ambitions?"
Me: "Honestly, I've never been a career driven person... all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mom..."
I don't think we ever got past that point in this particular conversation. 
No talk about how that has changed.
Nothing about how I have adapted my goals in light of a "dream" so long deferred. 
I think at the time I didn't think he was really listening to me. But he was. He just didn't need to hear more than that right then. I guess even though I don't have clear power career woman goals it's clear enough that I'm immensely loyal, committed, and driven in anything I set as valuable to me.   It's enough.  It's a beautiful thing.  He sees that, and that is rad.
About the rest ... well he's had plenty of time for abundant adventures of his own: snowboarding, and rafting, and skating, and traveling... a lot like me in different ways.... trusting that God has the plan and the timing.
His providence has never disappointed.

So... I say let the adventure continue.
one day at a time :)

So Blessed.