Saturday, September 15, 2012

One year later... & thoughts on slipping into smitten

Theme music for today's post.

Despite the fact that in this blog I clearly expose all my frantic, messy, train wreck, struggling and striving imperfections to the internet... somehow I still seem to imagine that I hold some sort of perfection and togetherness of appearance. yeah, I know. No clue.

In my adventures in dating, or lack there of, I think it is precisely this divide - between reality and what I want to believe (and have others believe) is the reality - that is the primary culprit in the better named "misadventures" ...

Exactly one year ago, I posed the question to you all of what the heck is my problem and do I even want to change it?  Now seems like a good time to follow up on that point - because I have a pretty good comparison to make, and progress reports are always in order. Are they not?

1) Yes, yes. I'm NOT perfect, but someone has recently entered my life that insists daily on seeing me with my strengths and weaknesses, my daily battles, as something of the most beautiful and amazing nature.   So while I freak out and fight to keep up all my defenses and anxieties that I'm the one holding "it all" together (even though I know this is not true) ... he challenges me to love myself, mess and all.

2)  So he's not Catholic. meh. no one's perfect ;) 
In fact, it might be better this way. We'll see.
Considering my point from last year that Catholics seem so often to disagree on the ways they believe and live their faith and what's optional and what's not... such that you often don't really know what you're going to get even with someone that calls themselves the same religion as you,  it seems so much  more about growing together. 
And here is someone that respects and admires my faith and convictions...
So what I have found, despite denominational differences, is that we're able to share a love of Christ and both daily invite Him into each step of the journey - and that really is the core of it all.
It's so freeing to know the whole thing is in God's hands and we're both leaving it there.

My relationship with God, absolutely, IS the only way I make sense of and come to peace with anything in life, and that relationship is inseparable from the Sacraments through the Church.  I could no sooner abandon my faith than I could stop breathing. And he doesn't ask that of me. He's even been coming to Mass! This openness and acceptance of something that is so important to me is a precious gift, even if he never shares every aspect of it. 

3) It's still true.  All I do is work and crossfit, but lucky me!  Crossfit brought this Captain Awesome Mr. Tough guy, honey snuggle muffin to me ;)  I didn't have to compromise my goals, and force myself to go out looking.  He was up close and personal in the midst of my competition mode and still picked me out as his crossfit crush.  That's so awesome. Even though I'd like to keep a pretty face on, knowing he's seen me in the raw. really raw. beast mode. and still thinks I'm attractive is encouraging.

4) This is the painstaking part.... I have been VERY comfortable in the perfect little order and delicate balance of my life and emotional health, that I've fought to create.  It IS a process of learning to extend my life to include some one and stretch beyond work and crossfit.  BUT this is just about as organic of a transition as I could hope for, with someone that supports me and my lifestyle in every way.  I am SO grateful to have such an incredibly patient, caring, and strong man in my life.

5) Again... have I met one of the most understanding and supportive men on the planet?
Date 3 (or 4 depending who you ask)
Him: "SO, what are your goals, dreams, ambitions?"
Me: "Honestly, I've never been a career driven person... all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mom..."
I don't think we ever got past that point in this particular conversation. 
No talk about how that has changed.
Nothing about how I have adapted my goals in light of a "dream" so long deferred. 
I think at the time I didn't think he was really listening to me. But he was. He just didn't need to hear more than that right then. I guess even though I don't have clear power career woman goals it's clear enough that I'm immensely loyal, committed, and driven in anything I set as valuable to me.   It's enough.  It's a beautiful thing.  He sees that, and that is rad.
About the rest ... well he's had plenty of time for abundant adventures of his own: snowboarding, and rafting, and skating, and traveling... a lot like me in different ways.... trusting that God has the plan and the timing.
His providence has never disappointed.

So... I say let the adventure continue.
one day at a time :)

So Blessed.


  1. Replies
    1. :) thanks Holly. I often think back on your words about "this precious little garden" you spoke of in your early relationship with Garrett. It's a pretty neat little time!