Wednesday, April 17, 2013

What happened to 13.3, 4,& 5??

I'm late on this one, by a few weeks, and I figured I should get it out sometime before regionals ;)

Perhaps, it's helpful to look back. I just reread this post I wrote a few months ago.  It was good to be reminded of this. I was right for almost all my predictions.

Except, It was the THIRD not the second week of the open before I got my mojo back after all the disruption of mid December to mid February.
Unfortunately, or maybe providentially, I didn't remember the calm, prophetic view I had just 6 weeks prior. My meltdown in 13.2 changed it all for me.

A few thoughts in summary:

1) It's all mental.

2) Knowing you need to change your life doesn't make it easy.

3) In the end we are always better than we were before. And if we're not better, then it's not the end. But "better" isn't defined by a score board.

4) Sometimes we have more good in our lives than we can hold at a time, and in order to embrace new gifts we have to put something down, but that doesn't mean it's gone forever.

So what happened after my new found awareness/reshuffling of priorities in the week of 13.2?
Some good things. Some hard things.

GOOD :) we changed our wedding date to May! Only 5 weeks away now, we moved in to full force planning. stat!
 Look we FINALLY took our engagement pictures. We sent out save the dates FIVE full days before our invitations. You know. because it's short notice we had to be sure people were bombarded with notices all at once to be sure they caught the date change.

Back to the Open:
I really enjoyed the programming of the last 3 weeks.  I enjoyed that I had taken the pressure off myself, and I enjoyed being able to compare 13.3 to where I was last year and see improvement. 500,000 front squats and a crap ton of Oly lifting over 9 months does translate into better wall balls.

HARD:  while my coach respects that I have other things in life that matter more to me right now than being the best at crossfit, it still left an emptiness and loneliness to have my additional programming removed. To no longer be part of the team workouts.  It was hard and sad, like my choice was leaving me out of my crossfit family and the life I have lived for the last... 2 yrs??

I felt lost. I finally realized how long I have been living out of balance and how long I had been ignoring my needs as a whole person for the sake of "pushing through" and "sticking to the program", relentlessly driving forward at the expense of everything else - And while that approach works for my coach, it doesn't work for me - I was hit was a wave of bitterness and desolation.  I went to crossfit only twice the following week... the second time being for ....
Oh the freaking cuteness! I loved this day.

13.3  A repeat from last year's programming.
I actually like that Castro has done this sort of "repeat" the last 2 years.
When tempted to despair of my training and programming over the last year and my current fitness - there is nothing like a great comparison with my last year self rather than with everyone else on the leader board.  I improved my score by 3 muscle ups. And I finished the 150 wall balls in under six minutes!  That's more than a minute faster than last year. I was pleased enough with this that I didn't stress about where it would land me on the SoCal leaderboard. That was GOOD!

HARD:  Everything in life comes at once doesn't it?  For 3 weeks. 3 WEEKS. I was getting my blood drawn every other day.  This was draining. Literally.
Combined with all the other deluge of life, I ended up taking a 2 week Haidas from the gym.
Taking that break and feeling sort of down left me feeling very disconnected from the people I've spent my life with for the last year. My training partners.
Going from training 2x day to popping in once a day 2-4 times a week... felt like an enormous chasm....

13.4  Was another fun one.  I really enjoyed it. It was a good one for me.  Easy-ish. Straight forward. I like that.   The HARD part was that I was still in emotional chaos and hiding from my coach and teammates.  So I did the workout in an environment where no one would really push me where I could just cruise it without pressure.  As a result I felt like I had short changed myself for not trying to crush it, when it was really in my wheel house.

but this was a test.
It was holy week. I was fasting, and still giving blood ever other day.
I was mourning and pretty much everything felt hard.
If I were going to redo this workout it would have had to be on Easter, which was also my birthday.
And you know. I just didn't feel right about that, so I let it be as it was, sticking to the resolve that competing is NOT the priority.

In light of my NEW priority to LOVE my life right now - I spent the weekend celebrating my birthday with my dearest husband to be, and old friends, and treats I haven't had in... mmmm... maybe 11 months!
Cheesecake. Pizza. Mimosas. Cookies :) It made me really happy.

If you have read "It starts with food" you know why it made me really happy and why I'm paying for it now, but that's another story.

13.5 My favorite, not favorite. I sort of crushed this one. I was the only girl in our training team to make it past the 3rd round, and that's cool. That's a victorious and hopeful note on which to end my season, such as the season was.
But in the moment, Holy Crap, was I pissed. I mean I was ANGRY at the 4 minute mark.
I became much less graceful...  "I didn't want to do another 4 minutes"  I cried out to the crew now cheering me on.  So I moved a little slower, but I kept going. That's a good feeling.

GOOD: It's over.  I finished the open even though it was excruciating for my pride. What do I mean?
After finishing 24th in the region last year, after setting the goal to make it to event 6 at regionals this year, after training SO hard all year long... to end in 70-something-th place. (I don't even know. I spent as little time with the leaderboard as possible this year).  It was a blow to my ego, even though in a sense it was the choice I made.

I know that I was honest this season.  I made the right choices for me. They were not the choices I was really prepared mentally and emotionally to face. But in the end I stand by them. And now just set about healing and rebuilding my relationship to this sport.

I learned some other things, as an athlete.  I underestimated my competition, and I over estimated my ability.
"Respect the weight" Coach Burgener would say.
No matter how light I think it is, "RESPECT THE WEIGHT"

I had an over confidence in my physical training through the year and I failed in my mental training - in staying in touch with what really matters most and why I do this.  I completely lost that vision. I couldn't find my focus.
At the start, I was looking past the challenge at hand - taking for granted that I could coast through. That was a fail. 13.2 was a blow.
But over all it's a step forward to a stronger and happier self. Now I know. I have learned.

And NOW... the fun begins.  I'm getting MMMMMMAAARRRIED! I'm getting married!!
This IS a dream come true. NOW I get to soak in every moment of it, and that. is. thrilling.

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity
under the heavens"  
                  -Ecclesiastes 3:1

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