Friday, March 15, 2013

Dark Night of the Crossfit Soul

Let's be honest.

... I feel like I have to say it out loud. I have to declare it to claim it, so I'm writing it. 

I have been so twisted up in my head and my heart over crossfit for the last six months. I've been so confused and probably over trained. 

That won't do - I need a clear goal. To continue through the open I need to know what my purpose is. I need to name what victory is to me. 

I thought it was finishing in the top 48...actually I'm not even sure that was honest, because I wanted to place top 15 at regionals so even if I make top 48 I'm sure I'd find a problem with it. But that's not my purpose anymore. 

So what is it?  
What is victory to me right now?
Finishing.  Just finishing. 

It's a reassessment of my goals.
I'm not copping out, or giving up. But I am gaining clarity and focus. 

I just need to get through this season as far as it takes me. 
I just need to show up at the box day in day out, disciplined as I have been. 
I need to do the open workouts like any other workout. 
Hitting it hard as I always do.  I need to give it my best effort and then just keep going. 

Just keep going. 

Winning right now is showing up, giving my best, and letting the chips fall where they will. 

No agonizing over what score I need. No leader boarding. 
No anxiety and scrutinizing myself. 
No doing it over and over. 

My goal is to finish what I started. 

That I keep showing up is all that matters right now. 
Sometimes victory is just doing what you need to do, even when you don't feel like it. When your heart isn't in it. 

Being competitive at crossfit was my dream.  Last year was great. 
I have a new dream right now. 
And I want to soak that up and walk in the light of its beauty. 
I just need my love story right now. 
Another time, another season I may change my mind. 

but now. 
It is what it is. 

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