Waiting & Wishing & Hoping & Dreaming... with Muscle ups
Hold the gasoline friends, because I am on FIRE!
Seriously. I've crossed three more goals off my list since posting last week, including the ever elusive muscle up!
It's not pretty, and I know it wouldn't count in competition, but so what! It's a huge step forward!
I'm not going to lie. I turned into super sad sauce after this victory. Which of course led to some introspection, because why should a long hoped for accomplishment make me sad???
I realized that there's a part of me that never thought it would happen. There's a part of me that believes my hopes and dreams will never be accomplished. And this victory brought that broken hearted part of me to the surface. The part I hold quietly tucked in the corner, not wanting to give a voice. The part that has been afraid to dream, to aspire, to love, to risk. I think it was good for me to let that part of my heart break, or just to express it's brokenness, and to let it be consoled by a dream fulfilled, one goal accomplished that has been a repeated failure for 2 yrs.
Dramatic? meh. maybe, but that's my heart for you.
It was one way that God was telling me my heart matters to Him - in a way, through experience, he let my heart feel the reality of a truth my mind accepted on faith long ago:
"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a future and a hope." Jer 29:11
He is with me. The littlest things matter to Him. It's not about winning; it's about believing, and about becoming whole. Wholey who I was made to be - holy.
So.. carrying this theme out into other areas of my life- particularly my single state - there is someone for me. I will find him. God is not holding out on me, or punishing me for past sins. He's preparing me for the best.
When I heard this song, I kind of thought it will be the theme song when I finally find that some one. "I have died every day, waiting for you." Every day that I've chosen to be chaste, to be patient, to not settle, I died to a cheaper desire... hoping and trusting that I will receive the real thing one day. I am waiting for an authentic love, and my best friend. I love him, even though I don't even know him yet. And some days it does feel like I've been waiting 1000 yrs.
In the meantime, I get to see the fruit of my effort and labor and sacrifice in the crossfit world each day... there's something tangible. Here's my mantra against all the thoughts that tell me I'm going to blow it, that I'm not enough, that it's all going to fall apart....