Thursday, December 30, 2010

oh the pain...

My body hates me.  Everything hurts... stiff, achy, acute weird pains even. Congested and draining.  I awoke this morning with very puffy swollen eyes and face. 
just the truth.

I did not intend to express any regrets about my choices this holiday.  I have eaten freely of things I 'do not eat', vaguely trying at meal times to make moderately good choices.  But often I made blatantly poor ones for the sake of vacation, family, relaxing, being 'out of my element'...
My belly doesn't swell up and bloat so obviously; my digestion seems good to me.  I don't believe myself to be gluten or lactose intolerant. But I. FEEL. AWFUL.

Knowing that I was hitting the rum cake and cookies pretty hard, I was determined to hit WOD's reasonably hard as well... I mean I'm not trying to completely let go, and besides a new gym/new people - enticement to put up respectable efforts.
I had a few PR's on weightlifting this week, but I'm paying for it. My recovery is ... absent.

Sigh... it is obvious to me that I am a sugar junkie, and I'm far off the wagon. Rehab will commence soon, but not soon enough.  Why do I crave and almost compulsively munch at things that are clearly destroying me, and am SO happy to do it?  Friends, I ask this repeatedly.  The answer is we are in a fallen world and we have to fight for everything true, good, beautiful... and healthy! Lord, help me. I'm reaping my just reward now.  My body has no strength but I'm re-awakening.  I still want beer!  I still want beans and cake and wine and peanut butter balls and pizza! Even as I feel like death.

A new year is coming- renewed strength of will.  This was both fun and not - time to move on.
But I pray I remember this clearly so I won't be so arrogant at my next 'break'.

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