When you set out to conquer (achieve is a better word for our culture) do you question, why? Do you weigh out all the reasons and desires with your head and heart and prayerfully consider, "Is this a worthy conquest?"
I do, but not faithfully. Sometimes I just want to conquer. I want to triumph. I don't want to count the cost or the worth of it. I just want the victory! Charming. Valiant. Impressive. And Foolish.
Over and over. I have done this. Some times I succeed and that's great for a moment, and sometimes fear creates my failure and gives way to shame.
Alexander the Great. Great for his massive conquest - which would have been even more massive if his troops hadn't rebelled. He held it together; his whole life conquering more and more, but he died far from home, only to have his empire divided by civil war within a relatively few short years of his death.
He "conquered the world". Would he have ever been satisfied? Was there a vision? Was there a purpose other than his own glory? Sure, he spread Greek culture which was a legacy for the areas he conquered in life. They gained something from it I'm sure. But why did he do it? From eternity, would he count it worth it? Does he regret not having loved more? Not having lived a peaceful life and happy life in ensuring the prosperity of the already strong nation he had inherited from his father? It was strong. It was beautiful. Ultimately, was he happy?
And Me. I am not Alexander the Great. I self sabotage and bolt in the face of potential "failure".
Except when I don't.
I am a stubborn and determined girl. I'm not particularly talented. Seriously. I'm not being humble; it's true. There is no prodigy about me. But I have loads of passion and life. I work hard - I do. I pour my poor little heart into life so much that I so often FEEL completely passionless and lifeless and loss of all motivation. Conquering, or Striving, and never satisfied. It's never enough for me.
ENOUGH. I say it's enough now. I'm tired of being a sieve with all the beauty and joy spilling right through me... others see it in me but I don't feel it, own it, live it. It's time to be a reservoir.
"If you are wise, you will show yourself rather as a reservoir than as a canal. A canal spreads abroad water as it receives it, but a reservoir waits until it is filled before overflowing, and thus without loss to itself it shares its superabundant water" - St. Bernard of Clairvoux
What does this have to do with Alexander the Great? I don't know really, probably it's not a real correlation at all, it's just something about conquering for conquering's sake and never being satisfied... someone told me I had an Alexander the Great complex and it led me to these musings here.
If I will shift and live full - not letting my peace and joy pour out from the bottom but over flow from the top - then maybe I can continue to bless others, to triumph, to suceed, and to LIVE fully and freely without fear of the fallout from within.
If I will be triumphant I want it to be for true glory, from my fullness not my grasping.
I hope you are living fully today... soaking in everything about your life and journey that is beautiful, noble, and true... and sitting with it... FULL. grateful, joyful, peaceful, bountiful. It can't help but overflow and others will be better for it too.