In all my drama, and musings, and the stress I bring on my own head and heart, and in all my efforts to be not extreme and to be PC, I forget. I am not my own.
I am a baptized Christian.
My life is not mine; it is Christ's. I have entrusted it to the One, the only One, who really does know best and loves me better than I love myself.
My life has been (and continues to be, I would do well to remember) blessed.
I really do try to daily surrender my life to His care and direction, and I know He has never steered me wrong. I get bitter about things sometimes, because I am essentially like a 4 yr. old. I want what I want when I want it, and I am angry or I am disappointed that the world does not bend to my every whim and desire at all times, or that natural law and truth is not what I would prefer it to be. But God is patient and He's so good with mess. He lets me rage and rave and kick and scream and run the wrong way over and over, waiting lovingly with me, until I am ready to listen.
I have given a lot of attention and care to my food and fitness in the last year, knowing that the body is the channel of the soul, hoping that if I can gain some control and self mastery there then it will spill over to the rest of me... AND knowing exercise is necessary to my sanity.
Still true, but
This year I need to work a little harder again at caring for my soul, and I need to relax a little.
I really DON'T have to have it all figured out and the more I stop trying, the more I let go the more I can just let God show me. He has soooo much He wants to show me.
Plan of Action/Answer: Adoration. It's like radiation treatment. Just show up and the grace sinks in. (I think that's true even if you're not a catholic or a believer. Just show up with a little faith that you can be healed too.)
There have been times when I have been a better sport about 'enjoying the ride' in life, and there are times when I think 'enough!' I need to be a responsible adult already.
Yes yes that's true, but there really is so much that is out of my control, in some ways even more than the average person, because I deliberately pass the torch to the Holy Spirit in my life asking for the way... I guess it's a balance between ownership/take charge-ness and surrender/trust.
I am so grateful to be reminded of this. My heart is lighter already. It is true; I am not alone.
I am so grateful for those of you who get this. I am a social being, and it's encouraging to be understood.
And I'm grateful for those who have no idea what I am talking about, but just love enough to let me be me. You are beautiful. I am grateful that we don't all have to be the same or completely understand one another to journey together and still enrich one another's lives.
That's all... anti-climatic denouement... thanks!