Saturday, January 15, 2011

Break Down

I have been struggling the last several months, in case you didn't notice. This blog may have been an escape, an outlet, or a motivation to pull it together, whatever IT is. 
and my stalling time is up.  

I've had two days of emotional melt downs... 
thoughts proceeding (as regards topics relevant to this blog so far):
1) maybe now is not the right time to be resetting and diving into a paleo challenge 
2) It's already Day 7 of my whole 30 and I know I have missed the boat on a few things - things that may be paleo approved, but whole 30 not approved such as almond milk, gum, and honey.
so why don't I just stop and try again later, maybe lent? or at least give myself a mondo cheat day and then restart tomorrow since I'm already not doing it right.
3)  I'll just stop and pick up some wine... hmm what other cocktail would be better? I'm down, alcohol is what I need, right?

WRONG.  that's when a flicker of a light went off in my head. (I would say Holy Spirit.)
Wine, or even dairy queen, is not going to make me feel better, and honestly it won't even taste that good. 
I want to quit because I want to turn to food as a balm for my sadness, but it won't work.
As much as many of us may do this,  As socially acceptable as it may be, 

I can hear the script:
"you deserve it", "treat yourself", "you will feel better...", "relax"

there is nothing about food that is going to fix my heart. 
Food is fuel for my body, not therapy. 

I KNOW this.  I have known this.  This is not rocket science or in any way a novel idea...
unfortunately KNOWING the truth doesn't fix my brokenness. 
But today acknowledgement was enough to stop me from quitting. 
and that little light bulb made the continuing easier.

Now that the temptation is past I get to go on facing my demons and dealing with them in ways that WILL drive them away and heal my heart. 

The only way out is through.  
I am afraid, angry, frustrated,
 but on I go.    ...  

So you see, Paleo is NOT hard. The food is delicious.  It's a great way to eat and live.  You will feel better.  It's the baggage of lifetime in the way you approach food that is HARD. 

Friends, I'm banking on freedom being worth it. 

No comments:

Post a Comment