Thursday, March 24, 2011

Crossfit Games Open

"Why on earth did I think it would be fun to compete for this?"  was my immediate reaction to the first sectionals open WOD. 

Reasons to do it:
1) It's been on the radar since August.  Marc at CFNC put a bug in my ear that I should compete for the sectionals.  I was flattered at the time, and I've been mulling it over for so long, I may as well just do it, right?

2) I was invited.  I love to be invited, don't you?  It makes me feel special.  Crossfit 760 invited me to submit my times for their team qualifier.  I don't know exactly how that works but all I heard was "team" and I felt the warm fuzzies of being welcomed.  Crossfit for me has always been in the biggest way about the comraderie, so yes!  If there's a team option, let's do that! Then it's not just about me.

3) My pride.  I'm a feisty competitive little bit of a person so I have been curious where I stand in the masses of crossfit women. But this is my downfall.  This pressure I put on myself at times to be super human, wanting to be the best is seriously hazardous to my health and relationships.  Allow me to exhibit for you....

WOD 1: 
10 min. AMRAP 30 double unders
+ 15 Barbell Power Snatches @ 55#

Oh my gosh I'm nervous just writing it down here, and I've already done it!
Setting: Allow me to clarify, that I am going to be doing these workouts at an affiliate that is not my regular stomping ground, with a trainer who has only met me a handful of times, to compete for a place on a team of people that I don't know.   I felt like I was having an asthma attack of anxiety just driving to the box.

Begin WOD:  1st set of double unders - nailed them!  1st set of snatches moving right along, but then I hear the promptings of  Casey, my new adopted coach, "faster", and I lost whatever mental game there was right then and there.  In my head I followed that word with a paragraph of "not good enough's".  As my entire life of feeling not good enough crashes down on me, my breathing constricts, my focus is gone. It took me 30-40 seconds to get a rythym on my second set of double unders, and for the rest of the WOD all I wanted to do was quit.  
It was not pretty, friends.  I battled for life out there.  I swore at Casey to get out of my f#@$%^g head.  I shot him death glares. I even moved to strangle him at one point.   I'm not proud of this, but he's a champion and has faced much worse I'm sure of it.

Time!  4 rounds and 9 snatches 

I hung my head in agony, feeling like a failure.  I apologized to Casey, shrugged off his words of encouragement that it was a good result, went to my car, and cried. and cried. and cried. 

I didn't even get five rounds.  The top competitors got NINE!  It took me several days and a few hours of therapy to realize that compared to the world of average jane crossfitters (as if any crossfitter is an average jane. ha!) I did respectably well.
(There's that word though, "compared"!  Why the hell am I comparing myself to anyone? I need to be doing this for me, and because I have something to contribute to the team effort.)
As I've talked to others who did it over the week, I felt better.  I felt better to hear in their voices how hard it was for them too.  I felt better that I wasn't the only one that didn't do as well as I'd hoped. 
I told one of the girls, "It was an eye opener to how not competition ready I am". 
She responded, "I think that's what we're all finding."
I'm not alone! and that makes the world seem like a better place.

So here we go... Take 2: I faced the WOD again.

Setting:  Still not my main stomping ground, but Casey and I have an understanding now.  He knows I need to be encouraged by making me feel I'm doing well and what I'm doing is ok and worthwhile.  And I rolled in with my own possy!  I brought two crossfit girls that just wanted to be there to support me.  It was hard for me to accept this, but I'm so glad I did. They were willing to work out with me, so I wasn't alone, and so all eyes weren't JUST on me.  (I can't stand that! really I don't like being the center of attention. Once upon a time I thrived on that but that's another story, for many years it's been my goal to disappear, rather than stand out.... )  AND I solicited the prayers of my super prayer warrior team - not that I would be the best or anything, just that I wouldn't freak out.  That I would live my glory in this, not my brokenness... Let me tell you, those ladies have some powerful prayers. THANK YOU!

Begin WOD:  I went at my own pace.  I took deep breaths and breaks when I needed to, to calm myself down.  I had my girls and Casey to cheer me on.  When I choked on double unders I quickly recovered. It was manageable.  I had one moment of frustration at some comment meant to be encouraging, but fortunately it was near the end and I still finished.  Not entirely healed yet, but doing better.

End Scene:   5 rounds and 7 double unders!

I passed my goal!  holla! But more importantly I kept my peace.
What started as a train wreck has met a different ending... for week ONE of SIX (or more if we make the cut!) Holy Crap. You guys, pray the miracles keep coming.  I would like to see the victory in this where competition does not send me into a Mr. Hyde personality split.  That would be a good thing for all, yeah?  I want to believe in transformation, and live it through this journey.

Reasons to do it:
4) I want to come through this a better person for having tried.
5) Community.  I want to share this journey with people, share in one another's sufferings and triumphs, and. choke. gasp. to be vulnerable and realize it's ok and good to let others care and help me. whew.  that is tough.  but I want that.  I need to be reminded I'm not alone.

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