I've been slowing down my angst ... letting go I think to my addiction to crossfit, my fear of missing a day, of falling short, of not improving every moment, all the time. I couldn't live like that.
I was on a high road to burnoutville and idolotry.
I'm on this journey for life. I don't think it's to prove myself or make a point.
This path of fitness & diet - it's about life.
Can I tell you a story?
Once upon a time I was just a girl who liked to play. I played soccer, I played kickball, I played whatever anyone would play with me. I started crossfit in the spring of 2009. Just for fun. Okay. it was for a guy really. That's how God gets me into all sorts of things - youth group, college of choice, & crossfit... sigh..
It was just following my second sprint triathlon, and I thought I wanted to face an olympic distance in the fall. Crossfit would be a good way to get fitter and improve my results (which had been abysmal compared to my first one the fall before). Very quickly I realized crossfit was way way more fun than getting on a bike for a long ride. or running. or swimming. by myself.
I don't like to do things that aren't fun, so I just didn't do much triathlon geared training.
Two months later I did another sprint triathlon. Without having trained for it, I shaved 2+ minutes off my 5k, and did far better overall than the one in the spring.
I decided that I'd had enough and haven't done another tri since. Crossfit was all I wanted to do.
Why? Not exactly because the workouts are fun. They suck quite often, honestly. It can be brutal and painful. No, I loved it because it was always changing, and really I loved it for the people. I had a place I went every day, where we sweat, grunted, and triumphed together. It gave me goals: I got to see my name in the line up, and I had Rx (prescribed) stars to aim for. I had friends to try to catch. It was a fun competitive - not cut throat competitive. And maybe to them I'm just another girl at the gym, but to me they are family. When we finish grueling workout and some one suggests an extra conditioning kicker, I jump on board. I always love that we are pushing each other.
Eventually, I even stopped playing soccer. It took away time from crossfit and occassionally I would get injured at a game or practice and it would set my crossfit training back a few weeks. I didn't want that!
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4-5 months of Crossfit
September 2010 |
I felt so strong, so fit, so fabulous. I continued to eat whatever I wanted because I trained hard for it.
My clothes were getting a little tighter though....
And so, inspired to trim up, and improve my performance, I started the Zone Diet.
I did it for
lent, because it was the only way I would be faithful to stick through the discipline. It had to be a fast for something greater than myself.
I didn't really weigh myself. I didn't pay attention. I couldn't shop for new clothes for a reward (because I gave that up for lent too.) Just show up, train hard, and trust the process. I lost about 17 lbs and became a crossfit animal in a few short months.
About that time I was preparing to move from New Mexico back to California. Exciting? yes! Terrifying? ... um yes! I trained harder than ever to deal with my stress of leaving what I had worked so hard to make familiar. There was
Jiu Jitsu at our crossfit box too, so I added that into my program. (though VERY rarely could my body handle both crossfit and jiu jitsu in the same day).
And then I moved. Everything was uncertain to me, except that crossfit had become a part of my life and it would remain so. It had to. It was my stabilizing force.
After all, crossfit is like Christ; once you put your hand to the plow, there's no turning back.
(This little half truth joke may have been part of where my problems started.)
The idea began to grow in me that maybe crossfit is my calling in life.... I got certified as a level one trainer. If nothing else, maybe I could get a free or discounted membership for helping train. Because let's be honest. It IS expensive.
A weird thing happened too. When I moved and looked for a new crossfit home, I was like a big fish. I had been doing this for over a year. I wasn't the same client that walked in to
crossfit rio rancho 15 months prior - the 'ginger kid' that goofed around climbing and playing on the apparatuses. I was a contender or something. I'm not used to that. I started to feel like I had to be something more than I am.
Or maybe I just hoped for what I could be, and set myself up for disaster.
Terrified to let go, feeling I had something to prove, that if crossfit is my life's calling, I better be damn good at it, I tried to make it my life. But it's not. And I'm not damn good at it. I'm just good at it.
It's a part of my life. It's important to me. But it's not my life.
So I began trying to let go a little, ever so little, letting it fall into it's proper place I hope.
And in that I continue to be blessed and blessed:
I get to train with great people, finding that sense of belonging and community again. I'm surrounded by people I can encourage and who encourage and push me. I get to not be the best, but patiently journey toward my best. I get to not feel like a failure because I still have room to grow. I get to watch a master at work, beer in hand, as he trains (did I mention my highschool girl-esque devotion to the super trainer
Brian Thurmond? A man who lets me lift and drop heavy things in his garage. What's not to love? ;) With the level 1, I get to train myself and friends on my own time just to pay it forward a little bit, expanding my community and seeing others improve too. I have a little room in my budget and time to explore other things and regain my thirst for life and adventure.
Hello Beach Volleyball, Dancing, Bouldering, Gymnastics, and Crazy Obstacle Races!
Ultimately, I just get to continue the pursuit of happiness.
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| January 2011 |
Not exactly the way it was in the beginning, when every day is a PR and something to celebrate. That is harder to come by nearly 2 years later...
But I still have a few in the last few months, including:
120 lb overhead squat
135 lb split jerk
200 lb back squat
85 lb snatch
pistol squats
with more to come!
AND the diet... my body and my curves were pretty fine with me. I felt right sexy. Blessed to be one who gains weight pretty proportionately, I didn't feel like I looked bad. However, looking back I can see there is a difference, and I can feel the difference. The
Paleo diet has done it's work in helping my arms shred out - showing off the musculitas beneath. But also it's the hips... I feel like a tree trunk some times because I do have a strong and thick core; however my hips are narrower. Sometimes when I see myself in the mirror I'm surprised at how they look. I don't see myself that way.
I'm not skinny, but my body shape has changed a little. It is definitively athletic, and not because I was born that way.
So here's me checking in, checking up. Sharing a little more of my story with you on my journey.
Back to my Average Joe life of "I'm not ok, you're not ok, but that's ok" - white goodman, Dodgeball.
