Thursday, January 12, 2012

Got Dumped?

I don't really know how to write concisely about my "life in the balance" at this moment.  There are too many words in my head and yet. nothing.

Let's start with a mental picture:
Remember grade school gym class.  Remember the picking of teams:  two team captains, usually the more coordinated and agressive in the bunch.  They stand set apart while you stand with the rest of the class in a line up helplessly before them, waiting for the determination of your fate.  Waiting. Waiting. As each  classmate got chosen and placed, the coolest and most athletic first. And maybe you weren't dead last (which is it's own brand of awful), but you certainly weren't first, and every moment you waited was like and eternity as embarassment and shame filled your heart. It was horrible, right? Or is that just me?  An asthmatic chubby kid with allergies...

Left with the sense of being NOT chosen, NOT picked, considered not worth it, cast aside, left out, and dismissed.  And the resulting desire: Run!  And the resulting agreement: Never expose yourself willingly to such an awful feeling.

I think grade school gym class bears some guilt in why so many people think sports or fitness in general, "just aren't their thing."  It was branded into them this way and others.  It was shaming, not fun.

This is one of the memories that stirred up in my heart last weekend, after the public announcement of the team that our gym wants to take all the way to the Crossfit Games - and the absence of my name.
If you know me much, or have followed this blog for any length of time, you probably understand how heartbreaking this was to me. How much of my time, energy, heart and life I've poured into crossfit and trying to be my best.  How what brought me to this gym was being on the team last year.

To be pretty much told - you're not enough, but if you think you are, prove it.
I'm sorry I don't work that way. I'd rather just settle into resignation where I'm not going to be cut down and cut out.

And Yet.
There's a diference between who I am today and that poor little girl in gym class.
There's a difference between how I feel and what's true.

It is a grace to be able to separate the present from the past.  To seek healing for the past so that I can gracefully handle my present.
Scrambling in my mind with the situation and where do I go from here, I determined to choose to be the person I want to be in the face of this disappointment, To be a blessing.  I was determined to choose to put my hurt feelings aside and continue to be a blessing to those in my life. I knew that as soon as possible I needed to approach my teammates and coach, and be sure they knew I am with them and behind them. 

Over the course of the following three days I accepted my feelings, I sought healing for the wounds of the past that were affecting my now, I reached out to those by whom I felt betrayed to hear their truth.  I found that their truth dispelled the lies, and their compassion and encouragement eased my hurt.

It's not about being unwanted, and it doesn't negate all I've done. 
How far I've come. It doesn't change who I am.

I am the same.  I still love crossfit.  I still want to be my best.  I am afraid to compete as an individual.  But no matter what team I am or am not a part of, at the end of the day it's just me.  This is a call to grow more. 

The challenge is not to take account of the "winds and waves" as Peter when walking on the water - not to fret over my own weaknesses and how the odds are not at all in my favor.  But to just set my feet, keep my eyes fixed on Jesus - the only one who gets to define who I am - and stay my course.

from my friend Courtney on FB... This experience gave evidence to support this fact.

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