I don't do this for me

even against who I think I am.

Lately I've been struggling to remember why I do this?

Crossfit. Training. Competing.

Life = Sleep. train. eat. work. train. eat. Repeat... (and don't forget to mobilize and recover!!)

Why?  Is it all just vanity?  Dust and Ashes.

When there is a whole world out there that's so much bigger than this. 

With these thoughts my heart and my limbs get very heavy.

Without purpose, why push and drive and fight?

"Because I'm worth it, Because I CAN, Because I deserve to be my best."

Sure.

Empty. Vanity. Blah. Blah. Blah...

That's not enough for me.

And so I take it to prayer.  I pour out my heart to the only one that holds the TRUTH.
Desperately seeking, "Is this for your glory or mine?"

And there is no peace other than this is where I am right now.
This what I have been given to do.  Nothing else makes any sense.
Small and simple as it is, when I push and drive and fight for my best in this path, I am more ALIVE.
more free, more me.
Yes, there is more pain and exhaustion.
But that is far better than numbness. dullness. deadness. going through the motions of life.
Seeking and Not finding.
Restless.

The key to freedom. Every thing is grace.

God is with me here.
I don't need to seek.
I don't need to question.
I just need to do.
Even if I'm the guy with only one talent. Better to risk it all and allow God to multiply it than to bury it.
And if I suck. If I fall.  Well then it was all vanity, wasn't it?

Not at all!
Because I don't do this for me anyway.
I do this for God.
It's his work in me.  SO what then?
The outcome is all on Him. I just need to do the work.

I do this because it is what I've been given to do.
This is my one talent, I won't bury it.

In the meantime I'll try not to hate Bob Harper for getting a 6:58 Diane, when I can't even put two HSPU's together these days.  It's not about him. It's not even about me :)  I need to remember that.

Gratitude - part 2

Have I really only done one Gratitude post?? Ok. Well, I'm fixing that right now.
My life is overflowing with goodness, and it seems like a necessity in my lenten resolution, "Don't be a Jerk" to acknowledge it.  Besides, if I don't get it out I might explode.  Or worse... forget.



to which I must answer, "Heck yes I will!"



1) I did it.  Crossfit Regionals here I come.  I didn't just make top 60 either friends. I finished 24th in SoCal. That's bananas. 



2)  I get daily motivation from my former 4229 roommate - every day through the open she helped me believe in myself and get my head on straight, ready and driving to succeed - Including little gems like this one...

3) My whole crew at Crossfit 760 is the best - even when I have melt downs ending in a DNF and crying on the gym floor.   They love me anyway and still think I'm super.  I'm so grateful I'm surrounded by people waiting for me to succeed.  So many out there are surrounded by peops waiting for them to fall - but maybe that's just because that's what they put out to the world.  No lie, peops,  when you send love and gratitude out into your world, you will find it.  St. John of the Cross knew what he was talking bout.

Yep, showed you this before. Still true.



PS "Princess" is kicking butt finishing grad school right now. Stud!



4) I got flowers!!! Such love.  I don't care if it IS cliche; Nothing says you love me like beautiful fragrant flowers. Thanks, Princess! 

These are the kind of awesome thoughtful people I have in my life.  I am not that person - so it makes it especially humbling and me especially grateful.

5) God KNOWS. He knows, He cares. He's got my back.  Winning or losing or whatever.

There's a bigger plan, and it's a good one.

At the moment, I have a touch of tendonitis or something that flared up quite unkindly 2 weeks ago. I was still able to kick heiny in the final work out, and now I am resting. and resting. and resting it.

While this is not exciting - I am taking a grateful moment and choosing to trust. It IS exciting to know that God sees the bigger picture. He sees how it will all end, and I can choose to relax, go with what is, do what I can, and know all things work together for good. 

Four out of Five 2012

So. who's tired?  Everyone.  That's what it looks like from this angle.
There's one week left in the crossfit open for 2012, and the fatigue is permeating the atmosphere.
I took almost a whole weekend of rest and still Monday finds me feeling apathetic and exhausted.

What to do when you burn out on striving for your goals:

Step One:  Breathe.

Step Two: Take a break and do something you love. that makes you smile and fills your heart.  for me that's: Dance right now. or the beach when the sun returns.

Step Three: Remember, you love this. No matter what the outcome is. Breathe THAT in.

Step Four:  Stay in the present.  Where you are right at this moment is where you are.  That is okay. Don't worry about next week or month or all the what if's.  Do what you need to do today.

Meanwhile, get rest and remember you did not get to the point where you are overnight.  You will not lose it over night.  Give your body what it's asking for, and just start moving again on your journey... with a smile and a full heart. No excuses or fears. Just do it.

Finally, for my crossfitters in the open right now, check out Katie Hogan's tips.

Waiting & Wishing & Hoping & Dreaming... with Muscle ups

Hold the gasoline friends, because I am on FIRE!

Seriously. I've crossed three more goals off my list since posting last week, including the ever elusive muscle up!

It's not pretty, and I know it wouldn't count in competition, but so what! It's a huge step forward!

I'm not going to lie.  I turned into super sad sauce after this victory.  Which of course led to some introspection, because why should a long hoped for accomplishment make me sad???

I realized that there's a part of me that never thought it would happen.  There's a part of me that believes my hopes and dreams will never be accomplished.  And this victory brought that broken hearted part of me to the surface.  The part I hold quietly tucked in the corner, not wanting to give a voice.  The part that has been afraid to dream, to aspire, to love, to risk.  I think it was good for me to let that part of my heart break, or just to express it's brokenness, and to let it be consoled by a dream fulfilled, one goal accomplished that has been a repeated failure for 2 yrs.

Dramatic? meh. maybe, but that's my heart for you.

It was one way that God was telling me my heart matters to Him - in a way, through experience, he let my heart feel the reality of a truth my mind accepted on faith long ago:

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a future and a hope." Jer 29:11

He is with me.  The littlest things matter to Him. It's not about winning; it's about believing, and about becoming whole. Wholey who I was made to be - holy.

So.. carrying this theme out into other areas of my life- particularly my single state - there is someone for me.  I will find him.  God is not holding out on me, or punishing me for past sins.  He's preparing me for the best. 

When I heard this song, I kind of thought it will be the theme song when I finally find that some one.   "I have died every day, waiting for you."  Every day that I've chosen to be chaste, to be patient, to not settle, I died to a cheaper desire... hoping and trusting that I will receive the real thing one day.  I am waiting for an authentic love, and my best friend.  I love him, even though I don't even know him yet.  And some days it does feel like I've been waiting 1000 yrs.

In the meantime, I get to see the fruit of my effort and labor and sacrifice in the crossfit world each day... there's something tangible.  Here's my mantra against all the thoughts that tell me I'm going to blow it, that I'm not enough, that it's all going to fall apart....

Watch me :)



Follow up on Crossfit Goals 2012

We all have our ups and downs.  Our "on" times and "off" times, but I'm rejoicing in setting my mind and choosing to "not let victory go to my head, nor failure go to my heart." - and from that place of power watch limits and walls break before me.

I received a challenge at the beginning of this year.  Blind sided, my personal goals for the crossfit games season changed.   At first, the thought of trying to qualify through the crossfit open for regionals as an individual was laughable.  Literally, I LAUGHED when a teammate and coach said they'd like to see me make it on my own. 

Then I set my heart on it.  I dared to hope and put it out to the world that I wanted and was aiming for something so bold - top 60 in SoCal. 
In making this delcaration, and as we began the open, I surrendered my paralyzing fear of failure.

If I don't make it, so what?  I will be better for having tried.  I will be better for having put my heart out there and laid it all on the line. At least I will know that I did all that I could, and I will be stronger than ever before. So if I fall flat on my face and finish last in the end of this, but I fought to give my all, to be my all, to not play small or hide.  I will be no less glorious than if I finish first.

And presently, I am so thrilled and so humbled by where this journey, and  the daring to surrender the fear of failure, has taken me. 

It is with great excitement that I give my progress report for my 2012 crossfit specific goals.  Only two months into the year I have crossed off 8 goals!!  Several of these have been walls I kept running my head into for the past year or more... Hello handstand pushups!  I still have so much to improve, but seeing progress is a great encouragement.

I added a few to the list (in red) from my initial goals.

2 Months into 2012 Crossfit Goals: 

Shoulder Press 100#  (5 more #)

Deadlift 265#

Back Squat 235# (5 more #)

Squat Clean 160#, but if I can power clean it, I'll take that too! (5 more #)

Jerk 155# (10 more #)

Snatch 115# (5 more #) I got 120# !!

400m run 1:10

500m row 1:50
500m row 1:45

2 Handstand Pushups full ROM

1:20 Hanstand Hold (wall)

1 Muscle up on rings

4 Bar Muscle ups

25 hand release pushups

Max pullups 35

Max ringdips 15
Max ringdips 20

Hanstand Walk 5 ft.
Handstand Walk 3 yds.
Max L sit 45 sec
Max L sit 60 sec
Top 60 in SoCal for the Crossfit Open

Ashes & Aspirations

Today is a big day!

It's Ash Wednesday. Coincidentally, it is also the beginning of the crossfit open.

The Open kicks off the Games Season, and the test of my training.
Ash Wednesday ushers us into Lent, and the 40 day journey to strip away the unnecessary and unhelpful.

It's pretty cool actually that they arrive at the same time.

~Ashes~
Lent means "spring time" literally.  It's a time for new growth, new life, but spring is always preceded by the starkness of winter. 

In the paraphrased words of my Facebook Friend, "Lent comes as an intense penitential time where Christians spiritually follow Christ into the desert and spend 40 days with Him there. We ramp up our prayers, penance and alms to mortify our senses and bring our flesh under subjection to the higher power of the soul, the will. We do these things for love of God and to be reminded that we do not live on meat and veggies alone* but our good God. Everything culminates on Holy week, the week preceding Easter... where Christ suffers His Passion... then Easter Vigil when we await Easter... then Easter!!! The greatest feast day of the church calendar!
I personally always come out of Lent, more disciplined, grateful and realizing how many superfluous things I add to my life."

*because since when have crossfitting Christians eaten bread?

~Aspirations~

Coming into the Crossfit Open, I have a high goal.  Top 60.

Only the top 60 each of men and women will go onto the regional competition. 
Top 60. 
Last year I was 89th. 
But it didn't matter last year, because I got to go as part of a team onto the next level.
But it didn't matter last year, because I had never competed EVER and had no idea where I would fall
...so as absolutely emotionally bananas as I was... I didn't have a reference point.  

This year there are twice as many people participating and at least half are likely to have been training as hard as I have this year.... or harder. That pretty much translates into I have to have improved more than 60% since last year to reach my goal.
Right?
I just crunch numbers. Not so good at knowing if they actually mean what I think they mean :)

~Ashes~
We wear ashes on our foreheads today to remember what happened to the human race with sin...
"Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return"
It's humbling.  This isn't what we were created for, but there's such a beauty and a simplicity in wearing it.
It says,  "I know you are bigger than me, God.  I know on my own I go off all kinds of crazy ways.
Everything in this world will end in ash and dust.
But I know if I trust in You and walk with You through this desert.
I will be with You.
In the end there will be life."

~Aspirations~
I discipline my body daily.  I train diligently.  I eat mindfully.
When I'm not in the gym, I seek chiropractic adjustments, pilates for strength and alignment, massage for release and recovery, mobility, contrast showers, ice, stretching, compression, and SLEEP.
please more sleep!
And still it too often feels like its not enough. I'm not making the progress I want at the pace I think I need.
Southern California is pretty undebatably the toughest region for women.
I don't even have hand stand pushups or muscle ups yet.
My propensity to freak out is great.

But... Seeing so many people compete in the open, so many just giving it a go,

Is beautiful. and simple. and humbling.

It brings back the big picture of why we all do this - because we love it.  because we want to push that much harder to find our new best each day. because we are a community, encouraging one another to grow.

~Ashes~

I love lent. I love the austerity.  I love the simplicity.  The focus.  I love that it lasts 40 days, because you know it takes me nearly that long to "get it".

I love that it lands right along side something that would tempt me to pride and vanity and self depricating insanity, with the fear of "not making it".

Because with these two things together I feel like life balances out...

The daily cross and the hope.

I'm ready!

Reading Projects

I'm the kind of girl that gets into a novel and has to finish it as fast as possible... when it's Twilight, Hunger Games, Harry Potter, or Kristin Lavransdatter...oooh or the Fairy Tale series by Regina Doman.   You know mostly teeny bopper books.
But then there are so many other books that take me FOR. EVER. to get through.   I always have a list of books I'm working on, when an occassional super novel will make it on the list and remind me that I can be productive ;)

Here's what I have in the works

Goal: finish 80% by June

Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer

really good stuff, but takes a lot of prayer and reflection time

Healing Life's Hurts by Edward Smith

doing this one with a group, so I've got to finish it right?

Count of Monte Cristo by A. Dumas

This one's been in the works for at least a year, need to come back to that.

The Brothers Karamozov by Dostoevsky

Recommended because I loved Kristin Lavransdatter, and well it's a classic,

 but I never made it through the 1st chapter.

The Paleo Answer by Loren Cordain

Follow up reading from the Paleo Solution, but unfortunately Cordain isn't as engaging a writer as Robb Wolf

In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson

recommended and gifted from a friend - great message, but I get so annoyed with his paraphrasing and interpretation of scripture it's hard get the good messages out of it. 

How to Find your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul by Jason & Crystalina Evert

Yes, I'm reading this. Yes, that's kind of embarassing.  BUT it's got a lot of good stuff and good reminders. A lot about growing a backbone, and being the woman to desrve the kind of man I would want and pretty much a lot about why I might be single forever. 

Maybe I'll post more on this one when I finish it.

Rediscover Catholicism by Matthew Kelly

Thought it looked dumb, but it's actually really good stuff. It's simple.  I like simple. Basically breaks it down to the point of our Faith is that we become holy, and what is holiness other than being the best version of yourself and most truly who God made you to be.  I recommend it.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

was supposed to read it for a book club that I never attended.  Still it looks like it could be good, and I bought it so I better go ahead and read it.

Desire by John Eldredge

I started this one after "Waking the Dead", which was awesome.  I didn't make it that far though because I think it just made me cry.  I may come back to it on a stronger day when I'm ready to face up to what the true desires of my heart are and what's keeping me from them.  For now though I think I'm still weeding through what I THINK I want and separating out what's really me and what's been planted.

AND I don't have them yet, but I want to read...

CS Lewis's Space Trilogy.

somehow I think I've read them before, but don't remember.

Any recommendations for a novel a just won't be able to put down?... there's too much heavy on this list!

Break out of that Box

Last weekend I ran in the San Diego Diva Dash - 5K obstacle fun run.
It was colorful. It was girl time - get out and move fun!  It was beautiful to see so many ladies encouraging each other and uniting to help each other through this accomplishment.

And it IS an accomplishment. Getting up and running 3.1 miles is something most Americans probably don't even try to do.  So way to go Divas, getting your dash on!

The size of our goals isn't so important. 

It's that we have them, and that we keep striving for them.

For me, I wanted to win. I'm not a runner - I'm a crossfitter.  But I believe crossfit equips me pretty well for most other athletic endeavors.  There was certainly some draw to just running with my friend and enjoying moving on a Saturday morning... But I just can't do it.  It's a race. If I pay for a race, If I have a chip timer, I must at least try to see how fast I can do it. 

I didn't win, but I finished in the top 2%.  That really is stellar.

What is really stellar also is that I had the courage to hope - to say - I want to win.
I never win, but I never will either if I don't set my sights on it.

We hear that sort of motivational talk from athletes all the time.  How often do we just dismiss it. just a little bit. with the notion, that there is something about them that we don't have, and never will?

3 years ago I ran a 5K in Daphne, AL.  I remember during the last mile seeing the "top finishers" jogging their "cool down" back our direction.   I was incredulous, questioning their sanity and humanity.
For me, a race had always just been the insurance that I would actually finish the distance, but by this point in my journey, I had completed a sprint triathlon.  I was on the the up, starting to feel like more is possible, but seeing those "real runners" seemed to negate my journey at the time - but no doubt they have a journey of their own.

I have a bad habit of thinking that people who are elite at what they do, were pretty much genetically programmed and nurtured to be that way.  Therefore I have no chance.   Lie.  What lies are you telling yourself?

In highschool I ran cross country for a season, my senior year.  Our races were only about 2 miles, so no time for numb feet, but do you know that I would actually WALK. yes, in the RACES.  as soon as I was behind the cover of some trees or something, I walked.  15 years later, I'll pick up and run 2miles just to relax and recover.

It's all relative. Today, if I set out to do a race longer than 5 miles, you better bet, my goal would be just to finish, and/or to not walk. Depending on the distance.  But given time I know I could be prepared.

What's the difference between me then and me now?  Time. Training. Patience. Desire. Determination. and Choosing not to let any one define what I will be capable of... starting with myself.

Goal Setting 2012

I kind of love putting my head down, blinders on, and doing my thing. It's liberating.
It's when I'm looking around at others and comparing that I start to lose focus and freak out about where I'm at and how far I have to go.  OR worse.  I start getting cocky - "yeah! better than you. Look how awesome I am."  Either side is a set up for failure, not to mention $h*tty character, and there will be none of that here.

It is me against myself. every day.
setting out to be better than me yesterday.

The list of things to work on seems to grow daily, but I must start somewhere. Goals and Plan to achieve them.

A Few to Get Started:

Shoulder Press 100#

Deadlift 265#

Back Squat 235#

Squat Clean 160#, but if I can power clean it, I'll take that too!

Jerk 155#

Snatch 115#

400m run 1:10

500m row 1:50

2 Handstand Pushups full ROM

1:20 Hanstand Hold (wall)

1 Muscle up on rings

4 Bar Muscle ups

25 hand release pushups

Max pullups 35

Max ringdips 15

Hanstand Walk 5 ft.

Got Dumped?

I don't really know how to write concisely about my "life in the balance" at this moment.  There are too many words in my head and yet. nothing.

Let's start with a mental picture:
Remember grade school gym class.  Remember the picking of teams:  two team captains, usually the more coordinated and agressive in the bunch.  They stand set apart while you stand with the rest of the class in a line up helplessly before them, waiting for the determination of your fate.  Waiting. Waiting. As each  classmate got chosen and placed, the coolest and most athletic first. And maybe you weren't dead last (which is it's own brand of awful), but you certainly weren't first, and every moment you waited was like and eternity as embarassment and shame filled your heart. It was horrible, right? Or is that just me?  An asthmatic chubby kid with allergies...

Left with the sense of being NOT chosen, NOT picked, considered not worth it, cast aside, left out, and dismissed.  And the resulting desire: Run!  And the resulting agreement: Never expose yourself willingly to such an awful feeling.

I think grade school gym class bears some guilt in why so many people think sports or fitness in general, "just aren't their thing."  It was branded into them this way and others.  It was shaming, not fun.

This is one of the memories that stirred up in my heart last weekend, after the public announcement of the team that our gym wants to take all the way to the Crossfit Games - and the absence of my name.
If you know me much, or have followed this blog for any length of time, you probably understand how heartbreaking this was to me. How much of my time, energy, heart and life I've poured into crossfit and trying to be my best.  How what brought me to this gym was being on the team last year.

To be pretty much told - you're not enough, but if you think you are, prove it.
I'm sorry I don't work that way. I'd rather just settle into resignation where I'm not going to be cut down and cut out.

And Yet.
There's a diference between who I am today and that poor little girl in gym class.
There's a difference between how I feel and what's true.

It is a grace to be able to separate the present from the past.  To seek healing for the past so that I can gracefully handle my present.
Scrambling in my mind with the situation and where do I go from here, I determined to choose to be the person I want to be in the face of this disappointment, To be a blessing.  I was determined to choose to put my hurt feelings aside and continue to be a blessing to those in my life. I knew that as soon as possible I needed to approach my teammates and coach, and be sure they knew I am with them and behind them. 

Over the course of the following three days I accepted my feelings, I sought healing for the wounds of the past that were affecting my now, I reached out to those by whom I felt betrayed to hear their truth.  I found that their truth dispelled the lies, and their compassion and encouragement eased my hurt.

It's not about being unwanted, and it doesn't negate all I've done. 
How far I've come. It doesn't change who I am.

I am the same.  I still love crossfit.  I still want to be my best.  I am afraid to compete as an individual.  But no matter what team I am or am not a part of, at the end of the day it's just me.  This is a call to grow more. 

The challenge is not to take account of the "winds and waves" as Peter when walking on the water - not to fret over my own weaknesses and how the odds are not at all in my favor.  But to just set my feet, keep my eyes fixed on Jesus - the only one who gets to define who I am - and stay my course.

from my friend Courtney on FB... This experience gave evidence to support this fact.