Follow up on Crossfit Goals 2012

We all have our ups and downs.  Our "on" times and "off" times, but I'm rejoicing in setting my mind and choosing to "not let victory go to my head, nor failure go to my heart." - and from that place of power watch limits and walls break before me.

I received a challenge at the beginning of this year.  Blind sided, my personal goals for the crossfit games season changed.   At first, the thought of trying to qualify through the crossfit open for regionals as an individual was laughable.  Literally, I LAUGHED when a teammate and coach said they'd like to see me make it on my own. 

Then I set my heart on it.  I dared to hope and put it out to the world that I wanted and was aiming for something so bold - top 60 in SoCal. 
In making this delcaration, and as we began the open, I surrendered my paralyzing fear of failure.

If I don't make it, so what?  I will be better for having tried.  I will be better for having put my heart out there and laid it all on the line. At least I will know that I did all that I could, and I will be stronger than ever before. So if I fall flat on my face and finish last in the end of this, but I fought to give my all, to be my all, to not play small or hide.  I will be no less glorious than if I finish first.

And presently, I am so thrilled and so humbled by where this journey, and  the daring to surrender the fear of failure, has taken me. 

It is with great excitement that I give my progress report for my 2012 crossfit specific goals.  Only two months into the year I have crossed off 8 goals!!  Several of these have been walls I kept running my head into for the past year or more... Hello handstand pushups!  I still have so much to improve, but seeing progress is a great encouragement.

I added a few to the list (in red) from my initial goals.

2 Months into 2012 Crossfit Goals: 

Shoulder Press 100#  (5 more #)

Deadlift 265#

Back Squat 235# (5 more #)

Squat Clean 160#, but if I can power clean it, I'll take that too! (5 more #)

Jerk 155# (10 more #)

Snatch 115# (5 more #) I got 120# !!

400m run 1:10

500m row 1:50
500m row 1:45

2 Handstand Pushups full ROM

1:20 Hanstand Hold (wall)

1 Muscle up on rings

4 Bar Muscle ups

25 hand release pushups

Max pullups 35

Max ringdips 15
Max ringdips 20

Hanstand Walk 5 ft.
Handstand Walk 3 yds.
Max L sit 45 sec
Max L sit 60 sec
Top 60 in SoCal for the Crossfit Open

Ashes & Aspirations

Today is a big day!

It's Ash Wednesday. Coincidentally, it is also the beginning of the crossfit open.

The Open kicks off the Games Season, and the test of my training.
Ash Wednesday ushers us into Lent, and the 40 day journey to strip away the unnecessary and unhelpful.

It's pretty cool actually that they arrive at the same time.

~Ashes~
Lent means "spring time" literally.  It's a time for new growth, new life, but spring is always preceded by the starkness of winter. 

In the paraphrased words of my Facebook Friend, "Lent comes as an intense penitential time where Christians spiritually follow Christ into the desert and spend 40 days with Him there. We ramp up our prayers, penance and alms to mortify our senses and bring our flesh under subjection to the higher power of the soul, the will. We do these things for love of God and to be reminded that we do not live on meat and veggies alone* but our good God. Everything culminates on Holy week, the week preceding Easter... where Christ suffers His Passion... then Easter Vigil when we await Easter... then Easter!!! The greatest feast day of the church calendar!
I personally always come out of Lent, more disciplined, grateful and realizing how many superfluous things I add to my life."

*because since when have crossfitting Christians eaten bread?

~Aspirations~

Coming into the Crossfit Open, I have a high goal.  Top 60.

Only the top 60 each of men and women will go onto the regional competition. 
Top 60. 
Last year I was 89th. 
But it didn't matter last year, because I got to go as part of a team onto the next level.
But it didn't matter last year, because I had never competed EVER and had no idea where I would fall
...so as absolutely emotionally bananas as I was... I didn't have a reference point.  

This year there are twice as many people participating and at least half are likely to have been training as hard as I have this year.... or harder. That pretty much translates into I have to have improved more than 60% since last year to reach my goal.
Right?
I just crunch numbers. Not so good at knowing if they actually mean what I think they mean :)

~Ashes~
We wear ashes on our foreheads today to remember what happened to the human race with sin...
"Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return"
It's humbling.  This isn't what we were created for, but there's such a beauty and a simplicity in wearing it.
It says,  "I know you are bigger than me, God.  I know on my own I go off all kinds of crazy ways.
Everything in this world will end in ash and dust.
But I know if I trust in You and walk with You through this desert.
I will be with You.
In the end there will be life."

~Aspirations~
I discipline my body daily.  I train diligently.  I eat mindfully.
When I'm not in the gym, I seek chiropractic adjustments, pilates for strength and alignment, massage for release and recovery, mobility, contrast showers, ice, stretching, compression, and SLEEP.
please more sleep!
And still it too often feels like its not enough. I'm not making the progress I want at the pace I think I need.
Southern California is pretty undebatably the toughest region for women.
I don't even have hand stand pushups or muscle ups yet.
My propensity to freak out is great.

But... Seeing so many people compete in the open, so many just giving it a go,

Is beautiful. and simple. and humbling.

It brings back the big picture of why we all do this - because we love it.  because we want to push that much harder to find our new best each day. because we are a community, encouraging one another to grow.

~Ashes~

I love lent. I love the austerity.  I love the simplicity.  The focus.  I love that it lasts 40 days, because you know it takes me nearly that long to "get it".

I love that it lands right along side something that would tempt me to pride and vanity and self depricating insanity, with the fear of "not making it".

Because with these two things together I feel like life balances out...

The daily cross and the hope.

I'm ready!

Reading Projects

I'm the kind of girl that gets into a novel and has to finish it as fast as possible... when it's Twilight, Hunger Games, Harry Potter, or Kristin Lavransdatter...oooh or the Fairy Tale series by Regina Doman.   You know mostly teeny bopper books.
But then there are so many other books that take me FOR. EVER. to get through.   I always have a list of books I'm working on, when an occassional super novel will make it on the list and remind me that I can be productive ;)

Here's what I have in the works

Goal: finish 80% by June

Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer

really good stuff, but takes a lot of prayer and reflection time

Healing Life's Hurts by Edward Smith

doing this one with a group, so I've got to finish it right?

Count of Monte Cristo by A. Dumas

This one's been in the works for at least a year, need to come back to that.

The Brothers Karamozov by Dostoevsky

Recommended because I loved Kristin Lavransdatter, and well it's a classic,

 but I never made it through the 1st chapter.

The Paleo Answer by Loren Cordain

Follow up reading from the Paleo Solution, but unfortunately Cordain isn't as engaging a writer as Robb Wolf

In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson

recommended and gifted from a friend - great message, but I get so annoyed with his paraphrasing and interpretation of scripture it's hard get the good messages out of it. 

How to Find your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul by Jason & Crystalina Evert

Yes, I'm reading this. Yes, that's kind of embarassing.  BUT it's got a lot of good stuff and good reminders. A lot about growing a backbone, and being the woman to desrve the kind of man I would want and pretty much a lot about why I might be single forever. 

Maybe I'll post more on this one when I finish it.

Rediscover Catholicism by Matthew Kelly

Thought it looked dumb, but it's actually really good stuff. It's simple.  I like simple. Basically breaks it down to the point of our Faith is that we become holy, and what is holiness other than being the best version of yourself and most truly who God made you to be.  I recommend it.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

was supposed to read it for a book club that I never attended.  Still it looks like it could be good, and I bought it so I better go ahead and read it.

Desire by John Eldredge

I started this one after "Waking the Dead", which was awesome.  I didn't make it that far though because I think it just made me cry.  I may come back to it on a stronger day when I'm ready to face up to what the true desires of my heart are and what's keeping me from them.  For now though I think I'm still weeding through what I THINK I want and separating out what's really me and what's been planted.

AND I don't have them yet, but I want to read...

CS Lewis's Space Trilogy.

somehow I think I've read them before, but don't remember.

Any recommendations for a novel a just won't be able to put down?... there's too much heavy on this list!

Break out of that Box

Last weekend I ran in the San Diego Diva Dash - 5K obstacle fun run.
It was colorful. It was girl time - get out and move fun!  It was beautiful to see so many ladies encouraging each other and uniting to help each other through this accomplishment.

And it IS an accomplishment. Getting up and running 3.1 miles is something most Americans probably don't even try to do.  So way to go Divas, getting your dash on!

The size of our goals isn't so important. 

It's that we have them, and that we keep striving for them.

For me, I wanted to win. I'm not a runner - I'm a crossfitter.  But I believe crossfit equips me pretty well for most other athletic endeavors.  There was certainly some draw to just running with my friend and enjoying moving on a Saturday morning... But I just can't do it.  It's a race. If I pay for a race, If I have a chip timer, I must at least try to see how fast I can do it. 

I didn't win, but I finished in the top 2%.  That really is stellar.

What is really stellar also is that I had the courage to hope - to say - I want to win.
I never win, but I never will either if I don't set my sights on it.

We hear that sort of motivational talk from athletes all the time.  How often do we just dismiss it. just a little bit. with the notion, that there is something about them that we don't have, and never will?

3 years ago I ran a 5K in Daphne, AL.  I remember during the last mile seeing the "top finishers" jogging their "cool down" back our direction.   I was incredulous, questioning their sanity and humanity.
For me, a race had always just been the insurance that I would actually finish the distance, but by this point in my journey, I had completed a sprint triathlon.  I was on the the up, starting to feel like more is possible, but seeing those "real runners" seemed to negate my journey at the time - but no doubt they have a journey of their own.

I have a bad habit of thinking that people who are elite at what they do, were pretty much genetically programmed and nurtured to be that way.  Therefore I have no chance.   Lie.  What lies are you telling yourself?

In highschool I ran cross country for a season, my senior year.  Our races were only about 2 miles, so no time for numb feet, but do you know that I would actually WALK. yes, in the RACES.  as soon as I was behind the cover of some trees or something, I walked.  15 years later, I'll pick up and run 2miles just to relax and recover.

It's all relative. Today, if I set out to do a race longer than 5 miles, you better bet, my goal would be just to finish, and/or to not walk. Depending on the distance.  But given time I know I could be prepared.

What's the difference between me then and me now?  Time. Training. Patience. Desire. Determination. and Choosing not to let any one define what I will be capable of... starting with myself.

Goal Setting 2012

I kind of love putting my head down, blinders on, and doing my thing. It's liberating.
It's when I'm looking around at others and comparing that I start to lose focus and freak out about where I'm at and how far I have to go.  OR worse.  I start getting cocky - "yeah! better than you. Look how awesome I am."  Either side is a set up for failure, not to mention $h*tty character, and there will be none of that here.

It is me against myself. every day.
setting out to be better than me yesterday.

The list of things to work on seems to grow daily, but I must start somewhere. Goals and Plan to achieve them.

A Few to Get Started:

Shoulder Press 100#

Deadlift 265#

Back Squat 235#

Squat Clean 160#, but if I can power clean it, I'll take that too!

Jerk 155#

Snatch 115#

400m run 1:10

500m row 1:50

2 Handstand Pushups full ROM

1:20 Hanstand Hold (wall)

1 Muscle up on rings

4 Bar Muscle ups

25 hand release pushups

Max pullups 35

Max ringdips 15

Hanstand Walk 5 ft.

Got Dumped?

I don't really know how to write concisely about my "life in the balance" at this moment.  There are too many words in my head and yet. nothing.

Let's start with a mental picture:
Remember grade school gym class.  Remember the picking of teams:  two team captains, usually the more coordinated and agressive in the bunch.  They stand set apart while you stand with the rest of the class in a line up helplessly before them, waiting for the determination of your fate.  Waiting. Waiting. As each  classmate got chosen and placed, the coolest and most athletic first. And maybe you weren't dead last (which is it's own brand of awful), but you certainly weren't first, and every moment you waited was like and eternity as embarassment and shame filled your heart. It was horrible, right? Or is that just me?  An asthmatic chubby kid with allergies...

Left with the sense of being NOT chosen, NOT picked, considered not worth it, cast aside, left out, and dismissed.  And the resulting desire: Run!  And the resulting agreement: Never expose yourself willingly to such an awful feeling.

I think grade school gym class bears some guilt in why so many people think sports or fitness in general, "just aren't their thing."  It was branded into them this way and others.  It was shaming, not fun.

This is one of the memories that stirred up in my heart last weekend, after the public announcement of the team that our gym wants to take all the way to the Crossfit Games - and the absence of my name.
If you know me much, or have followed this blog for any length of time, you probably understand how heartbreaking this was to me. How much of my time, energy, heart and life I've poured into crossfit and trying to be my best.  How what brought me to this gym was being on the team last year.

To be pretty much told - you're not enough, but if you think you are, prove it.
I'm sorry I don't work that way. I'd rather just settle into resignation where I'm not going to be cut down and cut out.

And Yet.
There's a diference between who I am today and that poor little girl in gym class.
There's a difference between how I feel and what's true.

It is a grace to be able to separate the present from the past.  To seek healing for the past so that I can gracefully handle my present.
Scrambling in my mind with the situation and where do I go from here, I determined to choose to be the person I want to be in the face of this disappointment, To be a blessing.  I was determined to choose to put my hurt feelings aside and continue to be a blessing to those in my life. I knew that as soon as possible I needed to approach my teammates and coach, and be sure they knew I am with them and behind them. 

Over the course of the following three days I accepted my feelings, I sought healing for the wounds of the past that were affecting my now, I reached out to those by whom I felt betrayed to hear their truth.  I found that their truth dispelled the lies, and their compassion and encouragement eased my hurt.

It's not about being unwanted, and it doesn't negate all I've done. 
How far I've come. It doesn't change who I am.

I am the same.  I still love crossfit.  I still want to be my best.  I am afraid to compete as an individual.  But no matter what team I am or am not a part of, at the end of the day it's just me.  This is a call to grow more. 

The challenge is not to take account of the "winds and waves" as Peter when walking on the water - not to fret over my own weaknesses and how the odds are not at all in my favor.  But to just set my feet, keep my eyes fixed on Jesus - the only one who gets to define who I am - and stay my course.

from my friend Courtney on FB... This experience gave evidence to support this fact.

Gratitude

"If you had nothing today that you didn't thank God for yesterday, what would you have?"
-Fr. Scott Mansfield.

Over the last several months, I've myself feeling especially grateful, sometimes teemingly grateful.
It's such a wonderful place to be - I want to savor it... because it's too easy to forget and get negative and forgetful about the blessings in my life.

What better way than to make a list and publish it?  So later, when I think I am lost and miserable and alone, I can come back here and start making a new list.

Also it may be significant to note that almost all of these things are things I complain and suffer over frequently, but today I choose to see the good.

2011's Top TEN of my life ROCKS -

1)  Sick of hearing about Crossfit yet?  If so you may want to skip ahead a few paragraphs.
So. About Crossfit, There has been nothing else, since the decision to give my heart to Christ, that has had such an incredible and transforming effect on my life - and I am so immensely grateful for it.
Crossfit is my happy place, my thing. It grounds me. It holds me accountable for my actions. It is relentless on pity parties and excuses. It doesn't care what kind of day I'm having, and it always gives me the opportunity for bigger and greater feats than I have done before.  Performance is the standard and measure of all things, not appearances.  I can't lie to myself about who I am in crossfit.  Illusions don't last long. AND I love it.  I thrive there. I skip, I dance, I laugh. But I also grunt and kick things, and cry.  And that's okay.  We all have those days. It's beautiful.

2) And It keeps giving.  It's more than just my own journey. There's a family to it. I loved my crossfit family in New Mexico - we bonded in the gym, we sweat, suffered, and rejoiced together, supporting one another to succeed. Leaving was so sad, and scary.
But moving has been a story of giving God my yes, letting go of something, and then him giving me back so much more.  I love my new crossfit family - on a whole new level.  I have been blessed abundantly in stepping out and opening my heart to my teammates.  I have found beautiful friends and support both within and beyond the box.

3) Then there's My Living Situation - sometimes I complain about my current scenario; I think my life would be better or more complete in some way if I lived in a thriving young professional community.  Pacific Beach, Downtown, Some where with more social life built in, or just blocks from the beach.  But the truth is I get tired and overwhelmed pretty easily and my situation now is peaceful. It's safe. It's far nicer than anything I could afford moving out.  I don't have to worry about roommates that I may or may not get along with, and yet I'm still not alone.  I have a family life almost built in and cute little ones to come keep me company from time to time and play as I cook. It's precious.  So what if I'm pretty much being taken care of with a deal too good to be true. Why is that a bad thing? Does it really make me irresponsible and childish, or is it just an incredible blessing for this time in my life that I should accept!? I'm voting for the latter.

4) My boss -  I have often suffered all sorts of anxiety over his lack of loquaciousness, and my inability to ask for what I need.  However, I have recently begun to see how much my boss really cares about and values me. He really tries, and I see that he goes out of his way to make sure I'm taken care of in anything I need.  He's more like a big brother or a dad than a boss, and an incredibly humble man of integrity. How many people can say that?

5) My Job - completely unconventional.  I have agonized over this one quite often as well.  I think I don't deserve my job, and yet I also think that I'm not a grown up because I don't have a 'real job'.  I think all sorts of things about how terrible it is because I'm not good at it and I get bored. I'm not inspired or motivated on a daily basis.  And while that is true sometimes, my job is something of a sanctuary, and that is not a bad thing to have.  It keeps me closely tied to something that I believe in passionately - pilgrimage.
I am involved in creating opportunities that will change lives as youth encounter Christ in a way they never have.  That's awesome.  I believe in what we do. That is more important perhaps than "feeling passionately" about it everyday.  Feelings change all the time.  My job is tied to my core beliefs, and I am so grateful.  Instead of waiting for the bottom to fall out and creating excuses for why I don't deserve it or  anxiously wondering how I will survive with any other job, today I am happy to relax and just say, 'thank you'

6) I wish everyone had their own fellowship.  You know.  Like Frodo had the fellowship of the rings. I have a fellowship.  I have a possy of girl power like I have never seen before.  We call it FLAG - fight like a girl - and fight we do.  We pray for and fight for one another every day.  We fight the battles for one another that go unseen, but the results are tangible.  I really don't have words for this here.  But they are rising on the list of powerful forces changing my life and freeing my heart to thrive.  Because really, none of us were meant to face life alone.

7) This is my blogging debut of my struggle with bipolar disorder. I've never mentioned it, and really I don't intend to talk about it now, except to share my gratitude for my Emotional Health - medication helps, but all these things in my gratitude list have worked together to foster a great level of emotional health -  I am grateful for the strength and balance to face my triggers and brokenness and find true healing.  Problems aren't really problems when you have the emotional health and fortitude to face them. Priceless.

8) Surprise!  I am so grateful for Being Single.  This time in life has allowed me to do some serious work on myself - and boy have I been working!  If I had a husband or kids right now, I wouldn't have had the freedom of time and finances to take such serious care of myself and really work on addressing the things that trip me up in life and relationships. I might not have the time to invest in crossfit and training and recovery the way I can now or TRAVEL.
 I also LOVE that I get to keep sleeping when I hear the kids playing early in the morning, because they aren't mine!  The last thing about being single right now that thrills me is looking back on the guys in my past and being able to honestly say, "I'm glad that didn't work out; they really aren't what I'm looking for."

9) Family - oh my family. I am so grateful that my parents are still together. I am grateful for that stability and for the testimony to a big part of what love is - transformation through unconditional commitment.  My family wears out the words, "I love you" - we shower one another with encouragement and affection, even though many of us are vastly different and can't agree on anything other than that we love each other.  I am so grateful to be a Carey.

10) And the source of every good thing - FAITH. If everything else were taken away, I still have my Faith.  Nothing makes sense without it.  Without Christ, I don't make sense.  And I am so grateful for this relationship - to be so loved, so priceless, so precious, and to have such a powerful ally - I've only barely scratched the surface of how much He wants to do in and for me.

2011 has seen some great work in my life, and no matter what 2012 holds I know I have been so blessed. And I am grateful.

Is it REALLY a treat?

A whole cheesecake showed up in my fridge today - the real deal, cheesecake factory sublimity.  I made a narrow escape, by sprinting out to the gym for my lunch break.  This gave me enough distance to break the trance luring me closer and closer, fork in hand, arm outstretched.... sort of like Aurora drawn to prick her finger on a spindle in Sleeping Beauty.

As I sped along frantically, I thought about why not eat that cheesecake.  I thought about my goals.

In and of itself what's so bad about treating myself to some cheesecake?  Nothing. 

Nothing except I have already 'treated' myself quite a bit in the last week, 'celebrating' the conclusion of the NLI series.  There's a voice that says, "you deserve it!"  but you know what? I deserve BETTER than what the cheesecake has to offer me.

I really want to heal.  I want my body to truly recover from all the work I've put it through the last few months, so that it can come back stronger.  Nutrition is essential to that process.

A small treat every now and then is ok, but it has to stay exactly that, a small treat every now and then. 

Otherwise those cheats add up  "like a thief in the night" and the next thing you know my goals are riding off into the sunset, along with all the hard work I've put in to earn my successes.  I know what my goals are.  I know what my body needs to reach them.  Every choice paves the way closer or farther from them.

It's Christmas. I'm taking two weeks vacation.  That's wonderful!!  But the way I take that vacation is critical to my ability to heal and recover during this rest time, to rebuild and be ready for the training ahead, and to be the happiest about the time I took.  I want to be grateful and pleased with the time I had with my family, not angry at myself and blaming them for derailing me.  I am the master of my choices.

I know (with a little distance between us) that cheesecake is my gateway.  It sets the stage for how I will handle every opportunity and temptation of this holiday season.  If I approach them with the carefree attitude of  "It's my vacation.  It's not a big deal. I've worked hard so I can indulge."  I will be taking rapid steps away from my goals. 

Last year, the rum cake won.  Here it is.  I didn't mention that I ate the WHOLE THING. and that bottle of bailey's, and more. I've been training myself to be prepared to face that rum cake this year and win.  I think that little bastard knew I was ready for him so he sent his cousin the cheesecake to trip me up and weaken my will.  I'm not having it.  No, I'm drawing a line.  To help, I made this sign to keep the cheesecake company until I find the right party to donate it to.



Inflammation and Weight gain do not equal HSPU's and Muscle Ups.
Those are two big goals I have, which I can't really practice until my bicep tendonitis is healed.



I'm also going to put this on my phone background.  As I face choice after choice this holiday - I want to make my decisions empowered by my goals. Will I make a few indulgent choices?  Probably, but I want to make them will full awareness of what I'm saying yes and no to.

Saying NO takes having a bigger YES :) 

How are you approaching the holidays this year?

The Confessions of Vainaholic

A vainaholic.  I googled it just to see if it could be a word, and a brilliant girl already had the same idea :)

However, I have a little different interpretation of the word.  Not limiting vanity to appearance, but to concern over others' opinions in general.  I feel like this blog often looks like the confessions of a vainaholic - confessions of how much undue emphasis I put on what others think of me and my journey to break free.

So here we go.

Fierce Right?

Fierce and Beautiful.

Some think so.  I know it because they said it! and others...

the others are less documented but I'm sure they are present.  They don't think "fierce and beautiful."  They don't think, "wow.  There is an amazing woman." 

Instead, they think,
"I'm a little scared right now."
"So much muscle isn't feminine."
"That's not pretty."

or heaven forbid, "She looks fat"

All debatable, but wounding nonetheless.  It's hurtful, because most women don't want to be scary.  They want to be nurturing and life giving; we want to be encouragement and hope.  We want to be feminine -BEAUTIFUL.

If I were already married, if I had already found some one that thinks I'm wonderful and beautiful and amazing, that I feel the same way about, maybe I would be less sensitive.  But probably not.  We all need to find our peace with ourselves without needing the opinions of anyone else to dictate it - because people are changing and fickle (frankly they are just not God) and therefore, they will always fall short or disappoint at some point.  They can't help it; they are human.

Some one once advised me, regarding the search for my soulmate, "Don't appeal to a man's baser nature. Appeal to his nobility."
I think I understand more what he meant.  But he followed it with the encouragement that I focus on "grace, beauty, elegance, and modesty."

While it was a good pep talk... I was frustrated and discouraged.  I felt he was telling me to change, to be a whitewashed version of the feminine genius. To be something I am not. I was discouraged because I spent years with my only ambition in life to be a wife and mother of a large family (6. 7. 8. the more the merrier.) Because I held that up as the standard of a beautiful, worthy, and virtuous woman. 

And that never happened. And so I began to think about me.  Who am I?  What was I created for? What are my gifts and contributions?  Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother of a large family?  Maybe I have other joys and delights in this world, and maybe that is good too?
In fact, I am grateful for my life!

I was discouraged because I've been shedding my stereotype of who I 'should be' and on so many levels I feel more alive, more truly myself than ever before - and yet In the pictures above - grace, beauty, elegance, and modesty are not the dominent messages. 

I see strength, sacrifice, victory, endurance, hope.

And well, if that is not enough to win the love and respect of a good and noble man, then I guess I will live a life alone.

With this, very sad, but clear conviction - I rejoice in the deliverance from vainaholic land - from man pleasing land.

The part of me that is strong to resist lies, discrimination, scrutiny, and the ever changing opinon of the world is growing.  I feel poweful - like the martyrs were powerful, lke the saints have been powerful, like we are all called to be powerful over our own domain.  Faithful stewards of the gifts we've been given.

So at the end, we stand, empty, naked, transparent - and unashamed, because we know we've been true.  We've been real. 

And real is beautiful.

Next Level Invitational Series... and such



The coolest part of pressing through a 3 part competition series = TShirts!

 This autumn was a big benchmark for me.  It was the first time I set out as an individual competitor.  Translation - I was accountable to myself to deal with my own sh*t :)  The journey of this series has been deeply meaningful to me.  I tend to want to look at stats and scores and outcomes - of course. That's exciting, but it's not the whole point. A person that is only looking at the result misses the true beauty of the apparent victory or failure. It's so sad how much they miss.

So what's the real beauty?  The whole picture.
Nothing great ever happens without opposition.

It's almost Christmas - so I'll use that example. Mary faced great opposition to say Yes to be the Mother of God Incarnate.  She was an unmarried teenager.  Her fiance was ready to dismiss her quietly - though he could have had her stoned.  She risked ridicule, judgement, public shame, and even death to say yes to the glory God wanted to bring through her.  And then there's JC, just trying to be born, and who has room for him in their inn?  Herod was so pissed about him even coming into the world that he slaughtered every male child under the age of 2, just to stomp out the threat to his own glory that was made by this "newborn king".  The family had to flee into Egypt, etc. etc. The life of Christ is filled with opposition, judgement from others, rejection, and wrong expectations.  If he had lived worrying about living up to the expectations of people, he would have never accomplished what he did - but he changed the world forever.

My dear friend Karen shared this with me
It's on my phone wall paper until it's written
on my heart.

There is so much in me that is flustered, that places my worth on things outside myself, instead I need to turn into my heart where the Lord speaks what is true and listen. 

It's not about me and them.  It's not about my coach or my team or my opponents. It's not about whether they will consider me worthy, whether they will be proud or disappointed. It's not about whether I will measure up and be enough, because whose standards are those anyway? and how often do they change? 

I want something eternal.  I want to live up to my own calling in this epic story.  To be the person I was created to be and so fill the unique place in this world that only I can fill. And that's about the journey, the fight, the day in day out determination and fortitude - The humility not to get swept up with any victory of the moment & the humility not to get beat down and discouraged by any disappointment of the moment.  It requires taking a longer view, a more grounded and focused view, pulling all the elements into the balance before casting judgement.  Because beneath it all it comes down to the Who that created me - what I am to Him, what He thinks and says about me.

The other day, I started to feel some judgement, some scrutiny - whether it was in my head or real.  It came at church, of course, from the people you expect to lift you up to whom God made you to be, but all too often tear you down instead, (because that's just what our enemy wants to see).  In that moment, I took a deep breath, looked to heaven, and closed my eyes. Do you know what I heard?  "I've got your back, Kath."

Act justly, love tenderly, repent of wrong doing and wrong thinking, leave it behind, and walk humbly with your God.

He's got your back!

In the overwhelming gratitude of that moment - it made me want to be better, to be holier.  He's got my back.  I don't need to get ugly, I don't need to be defensive.  I want to be patient. I want to be humble. I want to be kind and confident in goodness. I want to be generous in thought and deed - because I have been given so much. That's what it's all about. He's got my back.

So Next level Invitational series - Here's how it played out.



1) Sign up - I chose intermediate over advanced division since... a) I'm stumped on some necessary skillz, and b) I'm a head case at competing and never competed as an individual before.  This was going to be my test of competitor grit.

2) Beginning of August = Qualifiers. I'd been training hard for ages. I got 3rd. AWESOME.

3) For work and fun I took 3 weeks off training... working 20 hr days, eating all sorts of less than optimally nutritious choices and enjoying the best of Italy, i.e. Gelato, Wine, Pasta, Capaccino... you get the idea.



Another treasure from Karen!



4) Sep 10, 2011 = 1st event. I had 3 days in the gym, after my hiadas.  Then a hailstorm threw a wrench in the programming and gave me unexpected wod's that I was definitely not conditioned for. Result = 31st place.

5) I was fired up to regain my conditioning and get back on track -> too much too fast -> Back injury.  I was out for nearly 3 weeks resting  then rehabbing, but came back stronger.

6) Nov 12th = 2nd event.  It was all strongman type events.  I was pumped.  The confidence and joy fueled my performance.  This was the turning point for me.  I had so many mental victories this day.  So much prayer power behind me.  This is where the switch flipped. I experience freedom to rejoice in my own victories and not be ruled by the leaderboard.  As a competitor I realized I have to fight for it. No one is going to show me any mercy out there or do me any favors.  I am worth fighting to do my best.   Result = 11th place

7) I had 10 days of travel in the 28 days between competitions.  This will throw any one off.  But I also started to experience some problems with my shoulder and ankle/foot.  I worked to train smart and carefully.  Testing and gratefully seeing what my body will take, what it can do when I tell it to, and when to respect it's limits.

8)  Dec 10th = 3rd and final event.  I just knew it would be a great day.  The weather would be sunny and nice.  The workouts were varied and a decent broad range of capacity, and there was a chipper.  I love chippers. Despite this hope, I just didn't feel well all day. 
It was super exciting to have new competititors representing our box (as in November too).  I love it!  It's so exciting and inspiring to be fighting for your best beside your buddies fighting for their best.  To share one another's journey, agonies, and triumphs, is one of my absolute FAVORITE things about crossfit.  Result = 7th place

Overall standings for the whole seires - TBA