Break out of that Box

Last weekend I ran in the San Diego Diva Dash - 5K obstacle fun run.
It was colorful. It was girl time - get out and move fun!  It was beautiful to see so many ladies encouraging each other and uniting to help each other through this accomplishment.

And it IS an accomplishment. Getting up and running 3.1 miles is something most Americans probably don't even try to do.  So way to go Divas, getting your dash on!

The size of our goals isn't so important. 

It's that we have them, and that we keep striving for them.

For me, I wanted to win. I'm not a runner - I'm a crossfitter.  But I believe crossfit equips me pretty well for most other athletic endeavors.  There was certainly some draw to just running with my friend and enjoying moving on a Saturday morning... But I just can't do it.  It's a race. If I pay for a race, If I have a chip timer, I must at least try to see how fast I can do it. 

I didn't win, but I finished in the top 2%.  That really is stellar.

What is really stellar also is that I had the courage to hope - to say - I want to win.
I never win, but I never will either if I don't set my sights on it.

We hear that sort of motivational talk from athletes all the time.  How often do we just dismiss it. just a little bit. with the notion, that there is something about them that we don't have, and never will?

3 years ago I ran a 5K in Daphne, AL.  I remember during the last mile seeing the "top finishers" jogging their "cool down" back our direction.   I was incredulous, questioning their sanity and humanity.
For me, a race had always just been the insurance that I would actually finish the distance, but by this point in my journey, I had completed a sprint triathlon.  I was on the the up, starting to feel like more is possible, but seeing those "real runners" seemed to negate my journey at the time - but no doubt they have a journey of their own.

I have a bad habit of thinking that people who are elite at what they do, were pretty much genetically programmed and nurtured to be that way.  Therefore I have no chance.   Lie.  What lies are you telling yourself?

In highschool I ran cross country for a season, my senior year.  Our races were only about 2 miles, so no time for numb feet, but do you know that I would actually WALK. yes, in the RACES.  as soon as I was behind the cover of some trees or something, I walked.  15 years later, I'll pick up and run 2miles just to relax and recover.

It's all relative. Today, if I set out to do a race longer than 5 miles, you better bet, my goal would be just to finish, and/or to not walk. Depending on the distance.  But given time I know I could be prepared.

What's the difference between me then and me now?  Time. Training. Patience. Desire. Determination. and Choosing not to let any one define what I will be capable of... starting with myself.

Goal Setting 2012

I kind of love putting my head down, blinders on, and doing my thing. It's liberating.
It's when I'm looking around at others and comparing that I start to lose focus and freak out about where I'm at and how far I have to go.  OR worse.  I start getting cocky - "yeah! better than you. Look how awesome I am."  Either side is a set up for failure, not to mention $h*tty character, and there will be none of that here.

It is me against myself. every day.
setting out to be better than me yesterday.

The list of things to work on seems to grow daily, but I must start somewhere. Goals and Plan to achieve them.

A Few to Get Started:

Shoulder Press 100#

Deadlift 265#

Back Squat 235#

Squat Clean 160#, but if I can power clean it, I'll take that too!

Jerk 155#

Snatch 115#

400m run 1:10

500m row 1:50

2 Handstand Pushups full ROM

1:20 Hanstand Hold (wall)

1 Muscle up on rings

4 Bar Muscle ups

25 hand release pushups

Max pullups 35

Max ringdips 15

Hanstand Walk 5 ft.

Got Dumped?

I don't really know how to write concisely about my "life in the balance" at this moment.  There are too many words in my head and yet. nothing.

Let's start with a mental picture:
Remember grade school gym class.  Remember the picking of teams:  two team captains, usually the more coordinated and agressive in the bunch.  They stand set apart while you stand with the rest of the class in a line up helplessly before them, waiting for the determination of your fate.  Waiting. Waiting. As each  classmate got chosen and placed, the coolest and most athletic first. And maybe you weren't dead last (which is it's own brand of awful), but you certainly weren't first, and every moment you waited was like and eternity as embarassment and shame filled your heart. It was horrible, right? Or is that just me?  An asthmatic chubby kid with allergies...

Left with the sense of being NOT chosen, NOT picked, considered not worth it, cast aside, left out, and dismissed.  And the resulting desire: Run!  And the resulting agreement: Never expose yourself willingly to such an awful feeling.

I think grade school gym class bears some guilt in why so many people think sports or fitness in general, "just aren't their thing."  It was branded into them this way and others.  It was shaming, not fun.

This is one of the memories that stirred up in my heart last weekend, after the public announcement of the team that our gym wants to take all the way to the Crossfit Games - and the absence of my name.
If you know me much, or have followed this blog for any length of time, you probably understand how heartbreaking this was to me. How much of my time, energy, heart and life I've poured into crossfit and trying to be my best.  How what brought me to this gym was being on the team last year.

To be pretty much told - you're not enough, but if you think you are, prove it.
I'm sorry I don't work that way. I'd rather just settle into resignation where I'm not going to be cut down and cut out.

And Yet.
There's a diference between who I am today and that poor little girl in gym class.
There's a difference between how I feel and what's true.

It is a grace to be able to separate the present from the past.  To seek healing for the past so that I can gracefully handle my present.
Scrambling in my mind with the situation and where do I go from here, I determined to choose to be the person I want to be in the face of this disappointment, To be a blessing.  I was determined to choose to put my hurt feelings aside and continue to be a blessing to those in my life. I knew that as soon as possible I needed to approach my teammates and coach, and be sure they knew I am with them and behind them. 

Over the course of the following three days I accepted my feelings, I sought healing for the wounds of the past that were affecting my now, I reached out to those by whom I felt betrayed to hear their truth.  I found that their truth dispelled the lies, and their compassion and encouragement eased my hurt.

It's not about being unwanted, and it doesn't negate all I've done. 
How far I've come. It doesn't change who I am.

I am the same.  I still love crossfit.  I still want to be my best.  I am afraid to compete as an individual.  But no matter what team I am or am not a part of, at the end of the day it's just me.  This is a call to grow more. 

The challenge is not to take account of the "winds and waves" as Peter when walking on the water - not to fret over my own weaknesses and how the odds are not at all in my favor.  But to just set my feet, keep my eyes fixed on Jesus - the only one who gets to define who I am - and stay my course.

from my friend Courtney on FB... This experience gave evidence to support this fact.